24/7 news is, by and large, awful. Though I’ve studiously avoided her, by all accounts, Nancy Grace is also awful. Combining the two results in something comically bad: a split-screen interview from the same parking lot. The Atlantic has a wonderful takedown, replete with animated gifs for increased hilarity.
These women are right next to one another.
Disney World makes it possible for handicapped guests to jump the line at their attractiongs, along with their families. Most would agree that this is a nice thing with little downside, given the relatively small number of handicapped patrons the park is likely to have. Apparently, however, some horrible shrews from Manhattan have instead viewed it as an opportunity. They’ve taken to hiring disabled “tour guides” for their children, which enables the entire group to jump the line.
“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours,” crowed one mom, who hired a disabled guide through Dream Tours Florida.
That’s incredibly low. According to one mother, however,
“This is how the 1 percent does Disney.”
If you refer to yourself as “the 1 percent”, don’t be surprised if you wind up getting beheaded.
It’s been awhile, but it’s now once again time for Money Quotes from the news. Let’s watch!
In a story similar to one seen in the very first Money Quotes post, a cockpit distraction has again caused problems. OFT reader Ajay M. wrote in with the story of a possibly-pilotless Air India flight. Initial reports indicated that both the pilot and co-pilot had left their posts, but India’s Directorate General of Civil Aviation is claiming that the pilots and two flight attendants were instead locked in the cockpit for an extended period.
“What happened inside is best left to your imagination. We’re conducting an inquiry,” a source said.
I dunno — my imagination can get pret-ty sexy.
Next up is the story of Hugh Jackman’s crazy-ass stalker Katherine Thurston, who apparently came after him with an electric razor. Why?
“I hated him having those whiskers,” Thurston told police.
Apparently Thurston also spoke to Jackman’s wife at some point, telling her “I’m going to marry your husband”. Wow.
Meanwhile, a man named Justin Green recently attempted to surf a subway train. That’s certainly stupid, but it gets worse.
When confronted by an officer, Green said he had a “God-given right to do anything he wants”.
More people should avail themselves of their right to remain silent.
Finally, we have the tale of crazed driver Mercedes Austin, who apparently attempted to run over a girl for quote “shaking her butt”. Austin was so outraged that she drove directly at a police officer and two young women as they crossed the road. In addition to saying that she needed to teach that girl a lesson “because she was shaking her [butt] in the middle of the road”, Austin stated:
“I didn’t know that guy was a cop, I thought he was a security guard.”
Seriously, idiots, the Fifth Amendment is there for you.
Researchers in Africa working to save elephants have discovered a fascinating way to reduce human-elephant conflicts, using bees as a barrier. Their idea is worth checking out, and it certainly trumps dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you. Still, given that the solution requires farmers to become apiarists, I can’t help but be reminded of a quote from Mitch Hedberg:
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, ‘Alright, you’re a stand-up comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script’. They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said, ‘All right, you’re a cook — can you farm?’
Alright, you’re a farmer — can you beekeep?
Tom Cruise is perhaps most famous for his role as Ron Kovic in “The Making of ’Born on the Fourth of July’”. Throughout his 30 year career, however, Cruise has also played several Jacks. Let’s look!
Jack
Film: Legend [Link]
Year: 1985
Trivia: The sound of the unicorns at play is actually a recording of humpback whales!
Note: Filmed with a (then-quite-large) $30 million dollar budget, “Legend” grossed only around $15 million, making it quite a flop. Cruise’s first true blockbuster “Top Gun” was released just one month later.
Jack Reacher
Film: Jack Reacher [Link]
Year: 2012
Trivia: The character in the book series is described as being 6 feet 5 inches tall. Tom Cruise is 5 feet 7 inches tall.
Note: The rather-ridiculous character name purportedly originates from author Lee Child’s own lofty height. While struggling with the first book, Child and his wife were at the grocery store when an elderly woman kindly asked Mr. Child if he could reach a product on the top shelf for her. Child’s wife mused that if he couldn’t finish his book, he could always get a job as a professional reacher.1
Jack Harper
Film: Oblivion [Link]
Year: 2013
Trivia: Writer/Director Joseph Kosinski is not related to “The Office” star John Krasinski.
Note: With this film, Tom Cruise has actually played a Jack in two consecutive films.
Stay tuned for Cruise’s next Jack ____er role.
This completes our tour of the Jacks of Tom Cruise. I hope you have enjoyed this list. For a similar list, please see A Man for All Seasons, featuring Nicholas Cage.
Footnotes:
Saudi Arabia has apparently opened a luxury rehab center for Al-Qaeda militants. Does deep tissue massage work out the deep-seated hatred?
Cameron Lyle was a 21 year old student athlete. Now, he’s just a student. The University of New Hampshire Wildcat has cut his athletic career short and pulled out of the America East Conference championships, in order to donate bone marrow and save a life. Lyle was nervous about telling his coach, Jim Boulanger, but his coach’s response shows exactly the right perspective:
“Here’s the deal,” Boulanger told Lyle. “You go to the conference and take 12 throws or you could give a man three or four more years of life. I don’t think there’s a big question here. This is not a moral dilemma. There’s only one answer.”
You too can sign up for the National Marrow Donor Program and potentially save a life.
Update (May 9th, 2013): Well, this is quite a coincidence. Just a few hours after posting this story, I got an email from the National Marrow Donor Program:
Apparently, it’s my 8th anniversary in the program. Why not join, and make today your 0th?
American citizen Kenneth Bae was recently sentenced to fifteen years of hard labor in North Korea, for “crimes aimed to topple the DPRK”. The nature of those crimes is not known, but it’s likely that Bae is being used to get America’s attention. Now, the big guns have been called in:
Yes, in a story which clearly should have been in The Onion, Dennis Rodman has entered the fray. Hopefully he’ll be as successful as Bill Clinton.
The Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell are fascinatingly more complex than you might expect from a Doritos-flavored taco shell.
I’ve long suspected Baz Luhrmann’s take on F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” will be awful. Turning a classic novel into a $100 million dollar big budget 3-D movie seems a recipe for disaster, and the response from critics seems to bear this fear out.
“Periodically, as if by accident, something like real emotion pokes up through the film’s well-manicured surface…”
Rough.
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