Lazy Rivers Seldom Occur in Nature 

Monday, July 25th, 2016

Earlier this month, three women in Michigan decided to go tubing on the Muskegon River, and they wound up having quite a ride. 20 some hours later, after sleeping outside on the river bank, they were rescued after a fisherman heard their cries for help. What went wrong?

“They were informed by somebody at the bridge that the river goes in a circle and if they put in there they would come back to their car,” he said. “Not knowing anything, they set off on their little adventure.”

Somewhere in Michigan is a jokester with a hell of a story to tell at the bar.

Foul on All Levels 

Friday, July 22nd, 2016

This article detailing the sexual harassment of Roger Ailes is a couple weeks old. Hell, Ailes is now out as the head of Fox News. And yet, the phrase employed below (emphasis added) has been stuck in my brain since I first read it.

He proceeded to pull down his pants and very gingerly pull out his genitals and said, “Kiss them.” And they were red, like raw hamburger.

I wouldn’t have thought it was possible to make Roger Ailes’s genitals less appealing, but Susan found a way.

The Encyclopedia of Matt Damon 

Thursday, July 21st, 2016

GQ has an entertaining collection of Matt Damon stories, told by friends, colleagues, and Damon himself. For instance, there was the time Matt Damon tried to make small talk with the late Prince:

Matt said, “So you live in Minnesota? I hear you live in Minnesota.”

Damon: Prince said, “I live inside my own heart, Matt Damon.”

Dryer Lint Donald 

Wednesday, July 20th, 2016

In Cleveland, where the Republican National Conflagration is currently taking place, artist Sandy Buffie has created a replica of Republican nominee Donald Trump made entirely of dryer lint. It’s worth remembering that dryer lint is incredibly flammable, so this piece could make a very nice effigy.

Explain Yourself, Groupon

Tuesday, July 19th, 2016

I just got this in my inbox today, and I feel like I’m going insane. It’s July 19th, a Tuesday:

ALT NAME

Cyber Monday is another sales holiday, one that follows Black Friday. It’s in November or early December, and as its name implies, it’s on a Monday (not a Monday and a Tuesday). What the hell are they on over at the Groupon offices? No matter what Donald Trump might lead you to believe, repeating a lie does not eventually make it true, goddammit.

Previously in Groupon Insanity: Only 163 Days Until Christmas

A Most Unusual Lawsuit 

Monday, July 18th, 2016

Works by Scottish artist Peter Doig have sold for millions of dollars, so it’s only natural that someone would want to believe they owned a real Doig painting. Unfortunately for the Canadian corrections officer who’s suing the artist, it seems likely he actually owns a “Doige”.

Only 163 Days Until Christmas

Friday, July 15th, 2016

Have the folks at Groupon just lost their damned minds? Or at least the ability to read a calendar? Yesterday, I received an email proclaiming:

  • Black Friday Doorbusters Are Here!

As you likely know, Black Friday occurs the day after Thanksgiving in America, and it’s a day when retailers around the country stoke buyers into a frenzy by offering sales. In the past decade or so, it’s grown into something of a madness, as stores open earlier and earlier in an effort to attract customers. In other words, Black Friday is a single day four months from now, and it’s certainly something a deals site like Groupon is aware of.

And yet, here we are, with a whole section on their site dedicated to this in(s)anity.

ALT NAME

I can find no explanation for why Groupon has decided to reuse the very distinctive name of a widely-known sales holiday. There’s not even a lame attempt, like calling “Black Friday in July”. It also shouldn’t be missed that this “Black Friday” actually spans three days, and seems to focus on “doorbusters”, a (rather violent) term which only makes sense when applied to physical retail stores. Jesus Crist.

A Sexy Navy Suit 

Thursday, July 14th, 2016

This article on the appearance of Philip May, husband to the new British prime minister Theresa May, is ridiculous. Of course, so are the countless articles describing the fashion choices of the wives of politicians, and female politicians as well.

Justice and Accountability Are Apparently Revolutionary Ideas 

Wednesday, July 13th, 2016

When players from the WNBA’s Minnesota Lynx denounced racial profiling before a game, four off-duty police officers who were working security for the event walked off the job1. The president of the Minneapolis Police Federation then praised this action.2

Asked about a report that seven or eight officers had walked off the job, Kroll said, “They only have four officers working the event because the Lynx have such a pathetic draw.”

Saturday’s Lynx game against the Dallas Wings drew 7,613 fans.

Thanks to the Star Tribune for noting the attendance, which shows that in addition to being classless, Kroll’s response was also rather inaccurate.


Footnotes:

  1. Possibly in, as they say, a huff. ↩︎

  2. Alternately, he praised this tantrum. ↩︎

Very Sorry Indeed

Tuesday, July 12th, 2016

Almost exactly five years ago, I wrote about what I then believed was Pete Rose’s nadir. I discovered that he was signing baseballs which included the inscription “I’m sorry I bet on baseball”, and worse, that these balls were being heavily discounted by Walmart. At the time, they had been marked down 37%, from $299.99 to just $189.99.

However, my inbox recently showed that it’s always possible to sink even lower, especially when Groupon is involved. The same ball now lists for just $159, and can be purchased on Groupon for just $129.99 (or from Walmart at just $125.78).

ALT NAME

As if all this didn’t make it painfully obvious, Pete Rose himself “wants you to know that he’s very sorry”.