Shipping Trickery 

Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

If you want to drastically reduce the likelihood of damage to anything you’re shipping, just print a flat-screen TV on the side of the box.

Donald Trump Should Not Be President 

Tuesday, September 27th, 2016

The first presidential debate occurred last night, making it an apt time to link to a recent op-ed from the New York Times. In it, they provide a detailed look at just some of the problems with Donald Trump. I’ll be voting for Hillary Clinton in November, and I strongly urge all of my American readers to do the same. This is not a political site, but then, this is not a political decision. Donald Trump is categorically unfit to be president, and were he to win the election, it would be disastrous for both our country and the world. Let us do all we can to avoid that possibility.

First things first, register to vote at vote.org. If you think you’re already registered, check your status there to confirm.

Magnificent and Repulsive 

Monday, September 26th, 2016

Susanna Wolff is from New York, and she’s taking Los Angeles to task.

A kale-apple-ginger cold-pressed juice? Yeah, right. I’m from New York, where we’re given a lipstick-stained mug filled with dirty hot-dog water to carry down Sixth Avenue until a big drop of what is either Legionnaire’s-disease-infected air-conditioner leak or somebody else’s spit lands in it, then we drink that to get our immune-system boost, thank you very much.

Low-Tech Drone Prevention 

Friday, September 23rd, 2016

In the coming battles between birds of prey and high-tech drones, I’m firmly on the side of the eagles.

Half-Baked

Thursday, September 22nd, 2016

I recently received a sample of “Halfpops”, a “curiously crunchy” popcorn snack. As the name implies, it’s popcorn that’s not fully popped. Frankly, the concept sounds rather awful, conjuring images of cracking one’s teeth on the unpopped kernels at the bottom of a bowl of popcorn. In truth, the snack is not bad. However, the package includes some rather dubious math:

An equation reading 'Popcorn minus fluff plus crunch equals popcorn perfected'.

“Popcorn Perfected”? Like America, popcorn is already great! It’s not in need of perfecting, and even if it were, removing the fluff would not be the way to do it. Fluff is a key feature of popcorn, not something to be subtracted away. With math skills like these, it’s certainly good that these folks aren’t rocket scientists.

That’s a Hell of an Assignment 

Wednesday, September 21st, 2016

Perhaps you already heard about Royal Canadian Mint employee Leston Lawrence, who likely stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of gold by sneaking it out in his keister. But what you may have overlooked is that the prosecution actually tested the idea.

In preparation for these proceedings, in fact, a security employee actually tested the idea…

I doubt anyone said “Good job today, Simmons! As a bonus for your hard work, you may keep whatever you can fit up there.” So while Lawrence got away with his foul-smelling goods, some poor schmuck had to pull off the same trick with only a day’s pay as his reward.

Bad-Ass Nuns 

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016

In the Himalayas, a group of Buddhist nuns just completed a 2,500 mile bicycle trek to raise awareness of human trafficking. It has also raised awareness of the fact that some nuns know kung fu.

As if Running a Marathon Isn’t Difficult Enough 

Monday, September 19th, 2016

The Lehigh Valley Health Network’s Via Marathon is a popular race for those looking to qualify for the Boston Marathon. It flat course, featuring plenty of shade, helps runners achieve their fastest possible times. Unfortunately, this year’s race also included a rather substantial obstacle, in the form of a moving train crossing the course.

This Seems Like a Really Legitimate System 

Friday, September 16th, 2016

A developer building a $260 million luxury condo tower is looking to purchase a 3000 square foot parcel from the city of Boston. The developer hired an appraiser who valued the land at just $55,000, which seems low to say the least. As a result, the Boston Redevelopment Authority (a city agency) has hired their own appraiser to determine the price they should ask for the property. However, the BRA’s director was quoted thusly:

“If you had five reputable, professional, appraisers look at the same site, you’d come back with five values,” said BRA director Brian Golden. “We’re hoping that two data points help us come up with a fair price.”

Golden started by acknowledging that appraising is inexact, which is problematic, but true. However, he then essentially said “After hearing one amount, we’re paying an appraiser to get a second. Before they give it to us, I’m saying publicly that we hope the second is close to the first”. Why not just instruct the appraiser “Come in at 10% more than their appraiser did”?

What Could Be More Fun?

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

Yo, it’s about to get loud up in the pharmacy, because CVS has come to paaaaar-tay! They’re urging you to “bring in the gang”. Why? For flu shots, you sucka:

I know you want to get bumpin’, but before you boogie down the block, please bear in mind the footnote from the very first, and largest, line of copy.

* Flu shots available when MinuteClinic® health care provider is on duty, while supplies last. Age restrictions apply. Patients 18 months and older in most states, 24 months and older in KY, 5 years and older in CT.

It’s for the whole family, except not newborns, nor Kentucky toddlers, nor Connecticut preschoolers, ya heard? Change the phrasing of a marketing image to avoid the need for an enormous asterisk? That would simply not be fresh!

Now, while a high dose flu shot might sound like it’d simply be the flu injected directly into your body, that is not the case. It’s actually a dope vaccine designed for the AARP set, and it contains four times the antigen of the normal shot, giving your gran and pappy some powerful, popping protection against illness.

Peep those bandages in the image. So many stylish colors and sizes! What do they represent? I have no earthly idea! I am unable to match them up to any logical family structure. Please don’t give yourself a headache trying to make sense of this the way I did, or you will need to purchase aspirin while you are at the CVS.

If you have questions, don’t bother dialing, because this apothecary is off the hook, and also it does not have call-waiting. Just get your fly ass down to the drugstore, and you can ask them “What’s up, Doc?”. After that, prepare to receive your vaccination via a needle that punctures your forearm, which may be followed by several days of soreness and aches. Does CVS know how to party or what?