Make ‘Em An Offer They Can Refuse

Tuesday, February 14th, 2012

Apparently figuring the world wasn’t stupid enough already, Pizza Hut has decided to get into the wedding business. Not content with ruining dinner, they’re now looking to ruin the wedding proposal too. Specifically, Pizza Hut is hoping to trick as many as ten idiots into proposing to their significant others with a big old box of disgusting. Don’t believe it?

Pizza Hut's Proposal Website
Even when their page disappears, OFT will remember.

There’s certainly a set of people willing to spend $10,000 on a proposal. It’s likely there’s also a set of people who would propose with chain restaurant pizza. Still, it’s disheartening to think that the intersection of those two sets may not simply be zero. Thankfully, it’s simultaneously hilarious.

So what exactly does Pizza Hut’s package contain? Their PDF has the details:

Ruby Engagement Ring: A stunning ruby stone flanked by shimmering diamonds

There are no pictures, but it sounds nice enough, or at the very least, expensive enough.

Limo Service: Pick up your sweetheart in style before popping the question

Hey, who doesn’t love a limo ride, even one that stinks of fast food and fear?

Flowers: No proposal is complete without a spectacular bouquet of her favorite flowers

Flowers are a nice touch, but isn’t a proposal truly complete as soon as the question is popped? Are pizza chains allowed to speak metaphorically?

Fireworks: A perfectly-timed fireworks display will vault this proposal into the record books

Oh, I think this proposal will be in the record books even without the fireworks.

Photographer: Photos taken of the happy couple before, during and after the moment

The photographer will be instructed to put the camera in burst mode, so as to best capture before, during and after pictures of the exact instant when the poor girl realizes exactly what’s happening.

Videographer: Capturing video of the moment she says “yes”

They can probably save a few bucks by just not bothering to hire a videographer at all.

$10 Dinner Box: Hands-down the most vital, and appetizing, piece of the package

Hands-down the most edible piece of the package, anyway.

How did this idea come about? According to Pizza Hut CMO Kurt Kane, it’s not the result of a Trading Places-style bet between executives. Kane states:

“Our customers want the best of everything, from their food to memorable life experiences.”

So logically, since they’ve already given up when it comes to dinner, they’ll probably compromise on their marriage proposals too.

If I had a spare ten grand1 lying around, I’d be awfully tempted to go deeper down this preposterous rabbit hole. After all, the fine print states that if the package isn’t used by March 31st, Pizza Hut will refund the total cost. Unfortunately for anyone foolish enough to actually go through with this, no refunds apply to proposals where the intended looks around in stunned silence, blinks a few times while thinking about where it all went wrong in her life, then walks out, never to be heard from again. Which, let’s face, has about an 85% chance of happening.

Sadly, if you want to hedge your bets by proposing to multiple women, or even if you just live in Utah, Pizza Hut has a strict limit of 1 package per person. This offer is only available for purchase through today, so if you’re interested, act fast. After all, it’s just what every little girl dreams of, plus a side of breadsticks!

If she says yes, a Pizza Hut-themed wedding at Pizza Hut headquarters could be in order.

I can see the invitations now. “You are cordially invited to 7100 Corporate Drive in Plano, Texas…”.


Footnotes:

  1. Actually, it’s $10,010. After finding someone who likes the shovelware they call food enough to give them ten thousand dollars to help with a marriage proposal, Pizza Hut can’t throw in the damned pizza for free?


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