More Stings to the Penis, Please 

Monday, April 7th, 2014

Cornell graduate student Michael Smith recently published a paper based on self-experimentation he’d performed. His paper includes this note:

“Cornell University’s Human Research Protection Program does not have a policy regarding researcher self-experimentation, so this research was not subject to review from their offices. The methods do not conflict with the Helsinki Declaration of 1975, revised in 1983. The author was the only person stung, was aware of all associated risks therein, gave his consent, and is aware that these results will be made public.”

So, what exactly was Smith testing on himself? He was working to determine where on the body is the most painful place to be stung by a bee. He caused bees to sting him over and over again, then rated the pain. If it sounds hellish, well, that’s the life of a grad student. To really get a sense of the torture, here’s a map of locations where stings were administered:

Sting locations

Men may be surprised to learn that a sting on the penis is not nearly the most painful you can suffer. According to Smith:

“It’s painful, and there’s definitely no crossing of wires of pleasure and pain down there,” he says. “But if you’re stung in the nose and penis, you’re going to want more stings to the penis over the nose, if you’re forced to choose.”

Ouch all over.

Baseball Bloopers (April 4th, 2014 Edition)

Friday, April 4th, 2014

As noted on Monday, the baseball season is now upon us. As usual, the return of the boys of summer also brings plenty of stories both bizarre and amusing. First up, in the bizarre category, Angels hitting coach Don Baylor broke his leg on opening day. That’s a bad day, to be sure, but the circumstances are worse. You see, Baylor was catching a ceremonial first pitch before the game. Add another to the list of bizarre injuries sustained at home plate in Anaheim.

In lighter news, the World Champion Boston Red Sox had an off day on Tuesday, and they paid a visit to the White House. As the players met the president, slugger David Ortiz took the opportunity to get a selfie. The tweet this picture accompanied has now been retweeted over 40,000 times, and is nearing 50,000 favorites. Not too shabby.

David Ortiz's presidential selfie
[Photo credit: David Ortiz]

Next up comes video of a hometown fan doing just what he should when a visiting player attempts to catch a foul ball. The anonymous fan snatched the ball away from the St. Louis Cardinals Matt Adams, preventing him from recording an out. Adams gave a semi-serious shove before walking away, which earned him an unnecessary-but-fair middle finger from the fan.

Matt Adams loses the ball
[Screen capture from Chris Looy's Vine video]1

A long time ago on a site far, far away, I wrote about the heroics of one Danny Vinik. I’m delighted to see other fans following the Vinik Rule.

Without a doubt however, the best laugh of the week came courtesy of an article in that bastion of sports reporting, the Wall Street Journal.

Mets Blow A Save And Fan 18 Times
[Photo credit: Mark Fishkin]

Sure, that sounds great. But frankly, at a certain point, that’s going to start to hurt even more than Don Baylor’s broken femur.


Footnotes:

  1. That video is archived here.

John Popper Looks on the Bright Side 

Thursday, April 3rd, 2014

Blues Traveler frontman John Popper was recently fleeced by a Las Vegas prostitute, one who didn’t even have the courtesy to have sex with him. He lost $2,500 in cash and a Rolex worth nearly $20,000, but he’s looking on the bright side.

“I could have had people cut me up and serve me as a cannibal meal,” he said. “I could have wound up with (an adult sex toy) shoved (into an orifice).

What exactly would a non-adult sex toy be, and why is a Las Vegas newspaper censoring content to the point of ridiculousness?

The NCAA Took Away My Cat Mug 

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2014

While covering the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, reporter Jason Gay decided to engage in a small act of civil disobedience toward the NCAA, using a goofy cat mug to make a larger point about the major questions concerning the business of college sports.

Where Do You Buy a Rat Trap That Big? 

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

The picture below is not an April Fools’ joke. Apparently, a massive 16 inch (40 cm) rat attempted to move in with a family in Sweden. Its advances were, as you might expect, unwelcome.

That is one giant goddamned rat.
[Photo credit: Justus Bengtsson-Korsås, via Facebook]

The rodent had gnawed through cement and wood to break into the the Solna apartment, pest controllers said. And once it was in, it flooded the kitchen by chewing through the water pipes connected to the dishwasher. It eventually became “so domesticated” that it “just sat under the table,” Bengtsson’s husband, Erik Korsas, said.

A few days after the first sighting, the family put their kitchen on “lockdown” and called an exterminator…

A few days? What the hell were they doing in the meantime?

Shoulda Shipped It Priority Flat-Rate 

Monday, March 31st, 2014

It’s opening day for the World Champion Boston Red Sox and most of the rest of Major League Baseball, so why not a story from America’s pastime? This one is about pennies. About the only good reason to keep pennies around is to use them in protest when paying tickets and fines. Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington paid $45 in shipping to do just that.

[MLB vice president in charge of discipline] Watson: “And you just had $200 in pennies hanging around?

Washington: “Yes. Bob, I didn’t have my checkbook. I wasn’t trying to be funny. Now go to the bank and put that in the [change] machine and get your $200.”

I Think the Food Was Good

Friday, March 28th, 2014

If you make a reservation via OpenTable, you may be asked to rate the restaurant after your visit. One of the questions asks you to rate the noise level. It even has what seems to be a helpful little level meter, as seen below.

Quiet

Perhaps you ate at a romantic restaurant that was very “Quiet”. Was it French? It sounds French. They sure eat some strange things.

Moderate

Most likely, however, the noise level was “Moderate”. Most restaurants are moderately noisy right?

Energetic

Some might call this level of noise “Loud”, but OpenTable euphemistically calls it “Energetic”. That’s some pretty good whitewashing, but OpenTable didn’t stop there.

Do Not Recall

Yes, apparently, some restaurants on OpenTable are so noisy that you’ll have no memory of even having eaten there. Now that’s loud!

Dumpster Dining 

Thursday, March 27th, 2014

The plan was for a café to serve free food pulled out of dumpsters. How could it possibly fail?

Go Jumbos.

Why, That’s Almost Three Quarters

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

Amazon Settlement

The system totally works, and this is in no way stupid or a waste of everyone’s time and money.

Blue Bloods 

Tuesday, March 25th, 2014

It’s likely you will learn at least two things from this article on blood and horseshoe crabs. First, horseshoe crab blood is harvested in massive quantities for use in medical tests. And second, that blood is blue.

Horseshoe Crab Blue Blood
Crazy.