You Get One, Donald 

Tuesday, July 21st, 2015

Donald Trump is a buffoon, one who unfortunately has been given far too much attention. After today, I don’t intend to waste further space on him, because he’s simply not worthy of thought. However, Trump’s recent comments on John McCain not being a war hero are simply too despicable to be ignored. You may not care for McCain’s politics, or his choice of a running mate, but denying his heroism as a member of our armed services is simply out of touch with reality. Here’s a blow-by-blow account of what Donald Trump was doing while John McCain suffered in Vietnam.

Baseball, Emoji, and a Rainout 

Monday, July 20th, 2015

History happened at Angel Stadium yesterday, but it wasn’t really the good kind. For the first time in over 20 years, an Angels game was called due to rain. The fans were no doubt disappointed, but at least the two teams had fun with it on their Twitter accounts, as the Angels solicited advice from the Red Sox on what to do during a rain delay.

Ridiculous Products: Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog Bites Pizza

Friday, July 17th, 2015

A hot dog (which is so obviously not a sandwich that no debate is even required) really doesn’t belong anywhere near a pizza. Way back in the late ’90s, shortly after the rise of the cheese stuffed crust pizza, I took some sort of online survey for Pizza Hut. They asked how I would feel about a ring of hot dog meat in the crust around a pizza. Then, as now, I was disgusted. Hot dog pizza? Barvd 🙊.

Despite my vociferous objections almost two decades ago, Pizza Hut has now opted to give it a go, albeit with some modifications. While that long-ago survey proposed a circular hot dog ring tucked inside the crust the same way cheese can be, this “limited-supply” Hot Dog Bites pizza is somewhat similar to the Cheeseburger Crown Crust pizza of 2012. The new offering features a circle of pigs in a blanket surrounding the pie. It’s a horrible idea, one which the Washington Post will tell you is best avoided. Pizza Hut has a brief commercial to pitch their vile creation:1

The Hot Dog Pizza
Does that look like something you’d want to eat?

“Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza! Hot dog! Pizza!” the commercial bellows, before combining the two foods into one abomination. The ad moves from being loud and uninspired, to truly and unintentionally hilarious. Referring to hot dogs and pizza, the commercial states that it’s:

  • Two classics, together at last.

When attempting to force a grotesque new food product down the gullets of the public, it is perhaps best not to call to mind this classic joke from The Simpsons2:

Nuts and Gum: Together at Last!

Then again, it does seem likely that Homer Simpson would approve of this creation as well.

Previously in terrible ideas from Pizza Hut: Make ‘Em An Offer They Can Refuse


Footnotes:

  1. The commercial is archived here. ↩︎

  2. This bit can be found in the episode “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy”. ↩︎

Think About What You’re Saying 

Thursday, July 16th, 2015

At the end of June, a dead toddler was found on Deer Island, near Boston. She remains unidentified, and the whole thing is awful. Authorities have circulated a forensic photo of what she may have looked like when alive:

Baby Doe

Hopefully someone will be able to identify this girl, and there can be closure. Even if that happens, however, the implications of this rather disturbing quote will remain:

“If she looked like this in life, I think we can all agree she’s precious and she really deserves the dignity of a funeral and a burial and in her own name,” Suffolk County District Attorney Dan Conley told CNN on Thursday.

But what if she hadn’t been cute, Mr. Conley?

Wal-Mart’s Hypocrisy and Amazon Prime Day

Wednesday, July 15th, 2015

Today is “Prime Day” over at Amazon. If you’re an Amazon Prime subscriber, you can get access to all manner of one-day only deals. If you don’t currently have Prime, you can try it out for free for 30 days to get access to the deals.

In an attempt to compete, Wal-Mart posted on their blog to tout their own low prices. This section really stands out:

We’ve heard some retailers are charging $100 to get access to a sale. But the idea of asking customers to pay extra in order to save money just doesn’t add up for us.

It’s funny. I could swear Wal-Mart ran an entire chain of stores which charges an annual fee to get access to save money. Oh that’s right, they do. It’s called Sam’s Club. But the Washington Post notes even more obvious hypocrisy:

Even as Wal-Mart declares that its deals come without an “admission fee,” the company is piloting a Prime-like program known as Wal-Mart Shipping Pass, which promises unlimited three-day shipping with the purchase of a $50 annual membership. For now, about 1 million best-selling items would be available under Shipping Pass, significantly less than the 20 million available for purchase with Amazon Prime.

Worth noting, the Washington Post article explicitly states “Amazon’s chief executive, Jeffrey P. Bezos, owns The Washington Post”. Whether that led to this particular piece of reportage, I can’t say, but the facts are the facts nonetheless.

I should probably also note that the first paragraph of this post contains referral links to Amazon. I can state that the possibility of earning literally ones of dollars did not convince me to write about this.

This Robot’s Headed to Vegas 

Tuesday, July 14th, 2015

There aren’t many people hitchhiking in America anymore, but the population of hitchhiking robots is about to explode, from zero to one. Next week, hitchBOT will begin a journey across America, relying on the kindness of strangers along the way.

hitchBOT on a motorcycle

Most laws seem to state that no person may stand in a roadway to solicit a ride, but it seems like a robot is in the clear. If you spot this little fellow, why not join in the fun?

One Foot Tsunami Thinks It’s Funny That the Washington Post Thinks It’s Funny That Boston.com Thinks It’s Funny the NY Times Just Noticed Our Huge Snow Pile Is Still There

Monday, July 13th, 2015

Let’s begin with a rough sequence of events:

  • The winter of 2015 was the snowiest on record for Boston, with a total of 110.6 inches of snow falling.

  • As snow pounded the city, crews worked to find places to put it all. They piled it into so-called “snow farms”, creating massive, multi-story high mounds.

  • Eventually, winter mercifully let us up off the mat, and went away for a few months.

  • The aforementioned snow piles, however, did not go away. In late May, the science of their persistence was explored.

  • Throughout June, wagers were placed on when the piles would finally melt. The mayor even started a social media contest.

  • On July 6th, the New York Times published a piece on the remnants of the snow pile in Boston.

  • On July 7th, Boston.com’s Eric Levenson ribbed the Times for being late to the party.

  • Later that same day, the Washington Post took note of Boston.com’s post, joining in the mockery.

Which brings us to today, when I’m adding my own link to this goofy chain. It may be the final link, however, as it appears the last remaining pile has finally given up the ghost. On the evening of July 11th, I went hunting for the remnants of our last snow pile, on Tide Street in the Seaport area of Boston. Here’s what I found:

Side by Side Comparison
Not exactly a mound

Frankly, I was unsure if I was at the same location as the snow pile Katharine Q. Seelye had described thusly:

The well-insulated mound is actually quite chilly. Standing next to it is like standing next to a freezer with the door open. The gelid interior keeps any melting to a trickle.

Obviously, no such mound can be seen in my photo. It hardly seemed possible that a 12 foot mound could have disappeared so quickly. Yet it’s clear this is in fact the same location. First, there’s this side-by-side comparison, with the New York Times photo on the left and my own on the right:

Side by Side Comparison
Early July (?) on the left, July 11th on the right

Note the assorted telephone poles and trees, which show these shots were taken in the same place, and from the same angle. Second, mixed in with assorted hats, scarves, and coffee cups, one distinctive piece of trash was clearly visible:

Side by Side Comparison

Yes folks, that right there is a portion of Christmas tree. There can be no doubt that this accumulation of garbage stowed away with the snow back in February and March. Now, it’s all that remains. It seems finally time to declare the Boston’s last remaining snow pile dead. So long, winter of 2015. You won’t be missed.

Massterisk

Friday, July 10th, 2015

Speaking of brain-dead computer algorithms, I stumbled on this gem while reading the lyrics to the Modern Lover’s song “Roadrunner”:

Massachusetts, Censored

Bravo, automatic censoring formula. Bravo.

Emoji Battle 

Thursday, July 9th, 2015

NBA center DeAndre Jordan is a free agent, and both the Dallas Mavericks and Los Angeles Clippers are hoping he’ll sign with their team. Yesterday, the battle for his services led an emoji battle to break out between NBA players. It quickly spread beyond the two teams.

Perhaps the best part of the whole thing was this pair of tweets:

[Picture of an emoji]
@paulpierce34

Paul Pierce just tweeted with his Game Boy color lol
@rudygobert27

Rather than tweeting an emoji, Paul Pierce tweeted a picture of an emoji, and Rudy Gobert took him to task. What a time to be alive.

A 13-Email Delay

Wednesday, July 8th, 2015

Thanks in part to American Airlines’ exceedingly old fleet, I recently had a rather arduous journey down to Florida. At least the airline’s cocktail napkins provide a link to information on their new planes which are surely coming any day now. Anyhow, this trip produced a wondrous collection of automated crap in my inbox. Allow me to present a new piece of art, just added to this museum’s collection:

13 AA Travel Emails“Impact” by Paul Kafasis, 2015. Mixed media.

Future American trips will now be measured by the raw number of emails they cause the airline’s mindless algorithm to spit out. For instance, my flight home was only somewhat delayed, resulting in “just” a three-email delay.

A hat-tip is required to the slightly-imitable Neven Mrgan, whose wonderful collection far surpasses this museum’s.