Money Quotes: August 10th, 2016 Edition

Wednesday, August 10th, 2016

It’s time once again for Money Quotes, the best in ridiculous quotes from the news. While it’s been quite awhile since our last edition, the collection process has been ongoing, and the archives overflow with goodness. Please enjoy!

Recently at New York’s botanical garden, the so-called corpse flower bloomed. When the flower blooms, it attract pollinators which ordinarily feed on dead animals by emitting its own foul odor.

Kathryn, an 11-year-old plant enthusiast, said it smelled like her cat’s litter box but sharper. Her six-year-old brother, Toby, said it smelled worse than “one thousand pukes”

Ah, from the mouths of babes. “Worse than one thousand pukes” is really a hell of a great line.

Meanwhile, though this particular story is a few years old, out-of-touch politicians remain a constant. While trying to explain how inflation is calculated, and why food prices were rising faster tha inflation, president of the New York Federal Reserve Bank William Dudley told a crowd “Today you can buy an iPad 2 that costs the same as an iPad 1 that is twice as powerful”. A man in the crowd was heard to retort:

“I can’t eat an iPad!”

Indeed you cannot, good sir. Indeed you cannot.

Speaking of eating (and over-eating), let’s turn to the NFL. After a successful season, running back Arian Foster gave each of his offensive lineman a gift: their own Segway.

The linemen screamed with delight when they discovered their new toys, and learned how to ride them with help from Foster, who has had one for a while.

The average NFL lineman weighs over 300 pounds, and is well over 6 feet tall. I just don’t think they “scream with delight”. But if they really did, well, that is just adorable.

Next, we go to space, which can often be very exciting. In this case, however, it’s dull. Very, very dull.

Asteroid 2005 YU55, a giant rock floating through space, looks like a giant rock floating through space, reports one astronomer, who observed the giant rock as it floated through space past the Earth on Tuesday.

It’s like the reporter was both bored and had a minimum word count to hit.

Finally, in stupid criminals, a man and woman were arrested after being caught engaged in sexual activity. Police believed this to be a case of prostitution (or as they called it, “engaging in sexual services for a fee”). However, the woman in question had a different spin on it.

The female told officers that they were not engaged in a sex for fee arrangement but instead that the male suspect was her boyfriend whom she had been dating for about seven or eight minutes.

The inexactness is what really makes this one. “Seven or eight minutes”! It’s glorious.

Save Money. Destroy Capitalism.

Tuesday, August 9th, 2016

This is a Banksy print (or more likely a Banksy-style print), which humorously depicts a line of people queued up to overpay for a t-shirt with the phrase “Destroy Capitalism” printed on it.

ALT NAME

For reasons surpassing understanding, this print is for sale from Walmart, for a very affordable $76. It is often difficult to believe this world is real, and yet, here we are:

ALT NAME
As seen on Walmart.com

Australia Is Coming for You, Papua New Guinea 

Monday, August 8th, 2016

Hey, do you know where Australia is? Nope! Apparently, it’s actually about six feet north of where we all thought it was.

Guess Who’s Swearing Frequently 

Friday, August 5th, 2016

Speaking of unpleasant things appearing in the Wall Street Journal, the paper has recently updated their policy on printing vulgarities.

Standards evolve, including The Wall Street Journal’s treatment of bad words. As you might have noticed, we now allow the printing of most vulgarities if they are in direct quotations and our news judgment is that the quotation is important to include because it gives insight into how the person communicates, his or her depth of feeling on a subject, or character. Thus, an executive referring to a “shit storm” or a politician (guess who) vowing to “bomb the shit” out of Islamic State’s oil operations.

This change is surely not entirely due to Donald Trump, but as the parenthetical jab above indicates, he’s certainly part of the problem.

A Thesis on Pants 

Thursday, August 4th, 2016

Recently, the Wall Street Journal had a fairly ridiculous article about cargo shorts, which sadly did not feature a stipple portrait of the clothing in question. While that article is amusing enough, Harry Cheadle’s review of the article is even better.


Update (August 4th, 2016): Friend-of-the-site Drew Shelton alerted me to what appears to be an addition to the article, wherein the Wall Street Journal added a delightful stipple portrait of cargo shorts.

ALT NAME
Stipple cargo shorts look far better than normal cargo shorts.

Happy Dying 

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2016

Speaking of Asia being oh-so-very-different from America, a somewhat strange new program is gaining popularity in South Korea: role-playing one’s own funeral.

For years now, South Korea has had the second-highest rate of suicide in the world. Public and private programs have been developed to address the problem, and one getting notice lately is called “Happy Dying.” The program, led by Mr. Kim Ki-ho brings participants together to reflect on their lives by experiencing their own fake funeral. They write their own eulogies, make out mock wills, and pen farewell notes. Then, they dress in traditional burial linens, climb into coffins in a darkened room, and meditate on their lives for 30 minutes.

While the pictures of this are quite interesting to see, I’d love to read more about the whole program.

Marketing Malaise 

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016

Japan is, as ever, delightfully weird.

ALT NAME
Meet Gudetama

Michael Caine Changes His Name To “Michael Caine” 

Monday, August 1st, 2016

Airport security is a pain for most travelers, but at least you’ve probably never had to legally change your name because of it.

Using Us for Our Axes and Fire 

Friday, July 29th, 2016

Speaking of cross-species cooperation, the African honeyguide is a rather fascinating little bird. In Disney-esque fashion, the bird will guide humans to honey.

Meditations on a “Fresh Paint” Sign

Thursday, July 28th, 2016

Some time in the late ’90s or early 2000s, I saw a sign on a recently-painted wall. As I looked at it, I realized it was more than a little odd. As there were several of these signs on the wall, I felt comfortable grabbing one for future amusement. I recently rediscovered the sign, and it seems worth sharing with the wider world. Have a look:

ALT NAME

Some Thoughts on This Sign I Snatched Nearly 20 Years Ago

  • I find it very strange that the sign reads not “Wet Paint”, but “Fresh Paint”.

  • As well, it seems likely that this sign is recursive. The sign itself features its own “Fresh Paint” sign, and given how it’s covered, that sign may include a drawing of a third sign, and so on. It’s “Fresh Paint” signs all the way down.

  • Like the girl pictured (let’s call her “Alice”), I nicked this sign off something which had recently been painted.

  • Alice is very coyly hiding the sign from the boy (who we’ll call “Bobby”).

  • Nevertheless, it seems clear that Bobby knows exactly Alice has done.

  • Even as Bobby plays it cool, he’s hiding his baseball bat from Alice.

  • Bobby seems as though he plans to get a very different type of red on Alice’s dress.