42 results found for “penis”

Now That’s a Conversation Piece 

Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

What does one do when a hand-crafted table has a rather unfortunate penis-shaped knot, and is rejected by the customer for whom it was created?

A naturally-occurring, very phallic, wood knot

For one British carpentry shop, the answer is “Auction off raffle tickets for the table, raising thousands of dollars to fight testicular, prostate, and penile cancers”. If you’re in the UK, you can get a ticket for just £2. If you’re wondering if the piece will fit in your space, it measures 76 cm (~30 in) tall, 150 cm (~59 in) wide and 85 cm (~33 in) deep, and seats four to six.

The phallic knot, measured with ameasuring tape

Meanwhile, the penis knot measures 8 cm (~3 in) long.

The Math Says Make It Look Like a Wanger 

Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

All rockets are rather phallic, but the rocket which took Jeff Bezos to space on Tuesday was especially so. Just look at it:

A visual of the rocket Bezos took to the edge of space, which looks an awful lot like a penis.
“I don’t know, sir. But it looks like a giant…”

The Guardian dove in on just why this rocket looked especially like a penis.

Ups, Downs, and Vulgar Graffiti 

Monday, June 21st, 2021

In the city of Topeka, Kansas, there’s an unusual problem with Bird scooters.

Topekans are using the public-share Bird scooters to make vulgar graffiti.

The tires of the scooters can make skidmarks, and some riders are using them to draw penises on sidewalks. They are doing it at a level that Bird hasn’t seen elsewhere.

“We just haven’t seen that in other markets,” said Adam Davis, government partnership manager for Bird. “I personally don’t know why somebody would find entertainment in destructing property like that.”

I don’t know if someone actually crunched the numbers and told Davis “Topeka is out of control with the skidmark penises!”, but I like to imagine they did.

The Time Charlton Heston Wrote to “Dear Abby”

Tuesday, June 1st, 2021

Back in 1998, advice columnist Abigail Van Buren took a letter from a woman who was deeply upset about her husband urinating in their front yard. Her response was, frankly, not terribly helpful.

This is not a subject that’s often discussed, but I suspect the practice is not unusual. Dogs and cats urinate to mark their territory. Your husband may be doing it for the same reason. For pets, the problem can be resolved by neutering; however, I wouldn’t recommend that for your husband.

That’s some advice, Abby. “Don’t have your husband neutered”. Got it. That really was about all she offered, except that according to the Los Angeles Police Department1, it’s “not illegal as long as it is not in public view.”

A few weeks later, the column printed a response from Charlton Heston. More than two decades later, I still think about it.

DEAR ABBY: Though a frequent reader (after my wife), I’ve only now found reason to write to you, in response to the lady who feared her husband’s habit of urinating on their lawn was inappropriate.

So it may be, but the fact remains that all men pee outdoors.

My best to you and continued good luck with your column.
— CHARLTON HESTON, BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF.

Once I get past the obvious joke about prying Heston’s outdoor-micturating penis from his cold, dead hands, I really just have to wonder what compelled him to write this letter. How could a world-famous actor feel so strongly about peeing outside that he’d take the time to mail a letter in support of the practice? Did no one suggest he might be better off passing up the opportunity to assert his allegiance to this particular cause?

Unfortunately for me, from Heston to his wife to (the original) Dear Abby, all the major players in this drama are now dead. As such, I don’t think I’ll ever get answers to my questions. However, at least now you can enjoy this bizarre occurrence as well.


Footnotes:

  1. I haven’t a clue why she chose the LAPD to answer this question. I don’t believe she lived in LA, nor does it appear the letter writer did, and her column was nationally syndicated. ↩︎

A Site for Ursine STDs

Friday, March 5th, 2021

Many moons ago, I received a rather bizarre offer to purchase the domain baronvd.com. As I noted then, it sounds like a site for fancy sexually-transmitted diseases. Early this morning, I received a new and perhaps even more ridiculous come-on:

An email offering bearvd.com for sale

Long-time readers will recall that I own the Barvd.com domain, which is no doubt why I’m receiving this email. Still, despite the closeness in letters, there’s no actual relation between the domains. Barvd.com was initially purchased to showcase the grossest in social media tweets, and now covers all matter of vomit-inducing unpleasantness. Though this bearvd.com domain adds just one letter to Barvd, it is about as related as pens.com1 and penis.com2 would be.

However, if you’re a veternarian specializing in treating venereal diseases in bears, this could be just the site for you. Let me know, and I’ll put you in touch with Lloyd Childs.


Footnotes:

  1. At the time of publication, this is a site for crappy branded items, including pens, as well as notepads, glasses, and much more. ↩︎

  2. Shockingly, this domain currently leads to no site at all, though it is available for purchase if you have a spare $1 million (USD). Alternately, you can lease it for just $21,667 per month. ↩︎

DR Is the Danish Equivalent of PBS 

Monday, January 11th, 2021

A Danish kids show called “John Dillermand” probably doesn’t sound too interesting, until you learn that “Diller” is Danish slang for “penis”. Apparently, the title character has an absurdly long male member, and uses it in all manner of situations. It’s difficult to believe this is real, but you can see the opening credits right on YouTube.1


John Dillermand’s diller tames a lion


Footnotes:

  1. Archived here ↩︎

Real Art Should Excite 

Thursday, December 3rd, 2020

What I particularly enjoy about this story is the “2nd consecutive year” part of it.

Cops Are Generally Not Laissez-Faire Proponents 

Monday, April 20th, 2020

The story of a man pleasuring himself on public transit would be little more than gross local Boston news, if not for some stellar writing:

Police say Adam Smith’s hand and penis were anything but invisible as he enjoyed the wealth of, if not nations, himself, around 11 p.m. on an inbound Red Line train.

Bravo, Universal Hub. Bravo.

Holy Humblebrag, Batman! 

Thursday, January 30th, 2020

Recently, Burt Ward got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. As part of the press for this, he told a completely true and not at all ridiculous story about his prominent Boy Wonder bulge, and how the network attempted to get him to reduce it. You might think the pills Ward mentions are made up, but that is obviously not so.

Thousands of ‘Penis Fish’ Washed Up on a California Beach 

Monday, December 16th, 2019

“Oh come on,” you’re thinking. “Do these “penis fish” really look like a penis?”

A fish that really looks a lot like a human penis.

Yes. Yes they do.