💧 So Pumped for Christmas

This year, Home Depot has been airing a commercial entitled “Holiday Decorations”, and by Melchior’s myrrh it’s got me in the Christmas spirit.1 Watch it and just try not to get some yule in your log.

The basic concept is that your ordinary decorating just doesn’t cut it anymore, so you’d better get your ass to Home Depot, tout suite.

This is garbage, people, just real garbage.

Let’s follow along with the ad’s incredible “rally the troops” pump-up speech:

Let’s decorate. No, let’s dominate.

YES! Finally someone is saying it! There is a literal war on Christmas, and we are going to win it!

Let’s throw Christmas…a curveball.

Hell, let’s throw it a goddamned beanball!

Let’s do fresh, and wow, and never seen that before.

Let’s do 100 count, make it 1000.

Your old crap is old and crappy! Buy Buy BUY!

Let’s get the season going.

The day after Halloween is not soon enough!

Let’s add this, and keep this, so we can have more of this.

Get a box of giant Martha Stewart-branded ornaments, save $6, and your family might finally love you.

Tradition? We just made some new ones.

Like the tradition of not being able to see out your windows because you covered them with giant light-up snowflakes!

Let’s do this!

RAAAAAAWWWWR! YEAH LET’S FUCKING DO THIS LET’S TEAR SANTA’S HEAD OFF, GRILL UP THE REINDEER, AND FUCK CHRISTMAS RIGHT IN THE ASS!

God bless us, everyone.

Footnotes:

As usual, the ad is archived here. ↩︎