Previous “Headlines” posts

Paging Dr. Dre to the Onstage OR. Dr. Dre, to the Onstage OR.

Friday, October 27th, 2017

I’m really not much for awards shows on television, but if this report from People is correct, I’m truly sorry I missed the 2017 American Music Awards show.

Headline reading 'Selena Gomez Will Take the Stage for the First Time Since Her Kidney Transplant at the 2017 American Music Awards'

An organ transplant performed live on stage? That is compelling television! I can’t seem to find video of this surgery anywhere, which seems very odd.

Anything’s Possible

Wednesday, August 9th, 2017

Some severe weather occurred in Maryland on Monday, leading to a great deal of property damage, as well as this headline:

Possible Tornado Tosses Cars, Destroys Building, Knocks Over Trees

Yes, it was possibly a tornado, but let us not be hasty. After all, other possibilities include “Sudden Gravity Malfunction”, or perhaps even “Angry Wizard”.

For what it’s worth, the Weather Channel was less equivocal about this, using a much better headline:

Likely Tornado Flips Cars, Downs Trees in Salisbury, Maryland

There may not be 100% certainty of a tornado, but we can be pretty sure, and “likely” sounds a lot better than “possible”.

It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere, But Not Here

Monday, July 10th, 2017

I recently read the following headline:

5 Local Beers You Should Be Drinking Right Now

First of all, it’s not even noon yet! And second of all, even when it is drink o’clock, who has enough hands to quintuple-fist?

Headline Review: December 16th, 2013 Edition

Monday, December 16th, 2013

It’s time for another look at recent headlines. We’ll start with the BBC:

Mandela Leaves South Africa In Good Shape

You know, I thought I had heard that Nelson Mandela had passed away. I guess he’s not just up and moving around, he’s healthy enough to travel! He won’t have a lot of time to go sightseeing though:

Collapse of the Universe Even More Likely Now, Physicists Say

Well, shit. I guess maybe since everything in the universe will “be compressed to a small hard ball”, just try to focus on what really matters, and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Seattle Police Officially Launch Tumblr for Posting Dog GIFs

Right, like that.

Update (December 16th, 2013): Ha! It looks like some editor at the BBC had the good sense to change the Mandela headline to the much clearer “Post-Mandela South Africa Is in Good Shape”. Ah well, it was a good laugh while it lasted.

Headline Review: August 31st, 2012 Edition

Friday, August 31st, 2012

It’s time for another look at headlines, and we’ve got some doozies today.

First up, news from the tennis world:

Roger Federer’s Backhanded Complimenting Is in Peak Form

All those years of practice and training are finally paying off!

Next up, a story related to an earlier feature on ram groping:

Iceland’s Best Ram Gropers Awarded with Semen

This raises the obvious question: What exactly do the worst ram gropers get?

Speaking of disgusting semen, there’s this:

Shia LaBeouf: I’ll Have Sex for Real in ‘Nymphomaniac’

Ugh.

You likely need a chaser for that one, so try this one for size:

Thief Who Broke Into Steve Jobs House Gave Stolen iPad to Clown

Now that’s how you write a headline!

Headline Review: November 2nd, 2011 Edition

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

Headlines aren’t always dumb – sometimes, they’re amusing. Such was the case for this puntastic article:

Moving Horses Long Distances Makes Them Faster as Scientists Discover ‘Jet Nag’

Apparently, horses get the opposite of jet lag, which makes me wish I were more like a horse. I’d probably regret that decision the first time I sprained an ankle though.

Other times, headlines are so badly in need of editing that it results in hilarity:

Anti-Wall Street Protesters March From NYC to San Francisco

Wow, a march from New York City all the way to San Francisco? That will be an incredibly journey, and a fascinat-oh, it’s distinct marches, in multiple cities? Well that’s just terrible writing.

This, however, is wonderful:

Letter ‘G’ Goes Missin at Scrabble Championship

[Sic]. Fantastic.

Dumb Headlines

Tuesday, August 30th, 2011

Here’s a quick sample of stupid headlines from recent news:

Matthew Fox Arrested for Assaulting Lady Bus Driver‎

Well honestly, can you blame him for this? It seems likely he simply wanted to take control of the Lady Bus, which I can only assume is a bus full of pretty ladies. Who wouldn’t?

Earthquake Surprises Yankees Who Noticed It Occurred

That’s just crackerjack reporting by a top newsman. But what about the Yankees who didn’t notice? Were they surprised?

Sarah Jessica Parker Prepares for Hurricane Irene

Oh jeez, speaking of “stellar reporting”. Could USA Today possibly live up to its stereotype more fully? I submit that they could not.

With quality journalism like this, it’s difficult to understand why the media is in trouble.

Headline of the Week

Thursday, June 30th, 2011

I received a link to a New York Times article discussing rules surrounding sexual orientation in a recreation sports league, with the assertion that it has the greatest headline of the week.

Three Straights And You're Out Headline

That’s pretty great, but unfortunately, it’s a distant second to this article discussing the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on the sale of video games, and how it compares to pornography (via jimray). That winning headline?

Bush V. Gore Headline

It’s only Thursday, but I feel comfortable calling the contest for this week.

One Word Replies To News Headlines

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Ticketmaster/Live Nation Merger Approved: What’s in It for You? [Link]

“Nothing.”

Pocket Sitar Is a Virtual Sitar for the iPhone [Link]

“Finally!”

Do We Want Brain Scanners to Read Our Minds? [Link]

”      .”