Previous “In My Inbox” posts

Target’s Undiscountable Items in Early 2024

Target Circle is still not a registered trademark.

Tuesday, February 20th, 2024

Earlier this year, I once again received a birthday present from everyone’s favorite Minneapolis-based retail chain, Target. Just as in 2022 and 2023, those nice Minnesotans emailed me the thoughtful gift of a 5% discount on a single order, with many exceptions applying.1 Wanting to track how things have changed over the three years I’ve paid attention to this offer, I created an honest-to-god spreadsheet. Let’s have a look at what it revealed.

A Few Notable Items Which, in 2024, Target Has Decided Must Not Be Discounted 5%

  • Black History Month
    Black history already gets the shortest month, and now there are no deals to be had on it? This is a very bad look.

  • Latino Heritage Month
    Latino Heritage Month runs from September 15 to October 15, which isn’t even a month, though it is a full 30 days, unlike February. I’m not sure which group got it worse.

  • Pride
    I don’t know if this refers to LGBTQ+ products, but if so, this year’s list really has a lot of discrimination going on.

  • Dynamic Coins, Lights From Anywhere (Junior), Marvin’s Magic Drawing Board and Pens, and Svengali Magic Cards
    In a terrible magic trick, Target made the savings disappear.

  • Elf on the Shelf
    If I can manage to buy this little snitch in February, I ought to be able to get it at a discount.

  • Umbrellas
    This is by far the strangest item on the list. After an assortment of very specific toys and other items, now we get “umbrellas”?! I can’t get 5% off on an umbrella, regardless of the weather? Outrageous.

Modifications to Items Which Still Must Not Be Discounted 5%

  • “Beats Fit Pro, Beats Flex, Beats Powerbeats Pro, Beats Studio Buds” is now simply “Beats”
    I applaud the simplification here.

  • “Motrin” has been replaced by “Motrin Baby”
    This, however, I must decry. Babies, who are almost universally unemployed, can least afford to pay full price for their pain relief.

  • “PlayStation consoles and accessories” is now “PlayStation – consoles virtual reality and accessories”
    It’s interesting to see “virtual reality” added here.

  • “Tylenol pain relief, Tylenol PM” is now “Tylenol (and baby) pain relief”
    Again, the poor young children are made to suffer. Won’t somebody think of them?

A Full List of Previously Undiscountable Items Which, in 2024, Target Has Decided May Now Be Discounted 5%

  • DockATot

  • Hot Wheels Ultimate Garage

  • Ninja

  • Peg Perego

  • Shark

It was not a great year for items coming off the undiscountable list. That said, if you need a kitchen appliance or vacuum cleaner from a company named for a deadly one-word noun, you’re in luck.

Unless, that is, you actually try to redeem the offer. The page Target’s email routed me to had two major problems. First and foremost, despite the fact that the offer doesn’t expire until next month, I can’t access it:

A discount offer purportedly not expiring until next month, but showing as “unavailable”

Second, what in the name of jaggies is this image:

An extremely pixellated image
Ow, my eyes. I’m not supposed to get pixels in them!

If only someone would update this image with even a small amount of the care they clearly use in modifying their list of undiscountable items.

Footnotes:

  1. The current full list of undiscountable items: “alcohol, Apple products, Barbie camper and houses, Beats, Black History Month, Bose, Bratz Collector and Designer Dolls, Bullseye’s Playground, Cards Against Humanity, Casper, clinic & pharmacy, Cricut, dairy milk, Disney Princess Castle, Dockers, Do-a-Dot, Doona, DSLR cameras & lenses, Dynamic Coins, Dyson, Elf on the Shelf, Fisher Price Laugh n Learn, Fitbit, Funko Standard Pop, gift cards, GilletteLabs Heated Razor Starter Kit by Gillette – 3ct, Google, Hair Appliances, HALO Baby, Hasbro Games (Classic Monopoly, Connect Four, Jenga, Sorry, Trouble), Healthy Roots Dolls, HP Inc., ICU reading glasses, Infant Optics, JBL, Latino Heritage Month, LEGO, Levi’s Red Label, LG OLED and QNED TVs, Lights From Anywhere (Junior), limited-time designer partnerships, Lovevery, Marvin’s Magic Drawing Board and Pens, Mega Bloks, Meta Oculus and Portal, mobile contracts, Motrin baby, Nintendo hardware and Switch games, Polder, Philips Avent, Plan B, power shave, power dental, prepaid cards, Play-Doh Ice Cream Truck Playset, PlayStation – consoles, virtual reality and accessories, Pride, Revival, Samsung TVs, Scratch Art, Shipt Membership, simplehuman, SI Thunder Glow Drone, Sonos, Sony Electronics, Svengali Magic Cards, Take Action, Target Optical, Tempur-Sealy, Trading Cards, Tylenol (and baby) pain relief, Umbrellas, Ulta Beauty at Target Brands, Unlocked phones, Vera Bradley handbags, Weber, What Do You Meme?, WonderFold.” ↩︎

One Foot Tsunami Is Not a Fast Food Restaurant Chain. Yet.

All burritos, all the time

Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

Recently, I received an odd email:

An email about burritos

I came across your website and just wanted to say how much I love the pictures of your burritos.

My name is Ara and I work at Wishpond, a lead generation company that specializes in helping fast food restaurant chains grow their clients base through effective online campaigns.

We recently launched a social sharing contest for one of our clients and they saw 287 new referrals in just 27 days. Can we chat about how we can do the same for you?

It’s hard to be certain after thousands of posts, but to my knowledge, there are no pictures of burritos on One Foot Tsunami. For a moment, I was unsure what on Earth Ara was talking about. However, after quick search for burrito it all clicked.

Just last week, I posted about Chipotle’s “burrito season”. Ara, in a not-even-half-assed attempt to kiss up, surely keyed the email’s opening sentence off that recent post. Heckuva job, Philipsy. What I can’t imagine is how Wishpond decided I was a good candidate for their spam in the first place. Still, I’m glad they did. It’s always nice to have goofy content fodder appear right in my inbox.

Living on the Eastside

I’m not sure what the minimum amount is to qualify as “funds”, but it’s got to be higher than $4.99.

Tuesday, December 19th, 2023

On December 7, I ordered a small gift on eBay. I needed it by December 19, and the listing indicated it should arrive to me between December 11 and December 15. Perfect. However, when it didn’t arrive on time, nor by this past weekend, I was a bit concerned. I poked at eBay, where I found an “I haven’t received this item” button. I clicked that, and requested shipping information via a polite message:

Hi there, I ordered this over a week ago, and expected it between the 11th and 15th. Alas, it hasn’t arrived. Do you have shipping information for it? Thank you!

Just a few minutes later, I received this amazing reply, reprinted exactly as it was received:

Hello Paul, you do realize it is holiday season? Item was sent out on the 8th of December from Las Vegas and you are on the Eastside of the United States, can you please allow a few more days for it to arrive and also let me know when you get it, being there is now a hold on my funds thanks

I really just had to laugh at this response. The seller managed to be condescending and rude, while also requesting my help so that they can get access to the $5 they’ll rightfully deserve just as soon as I have my purchase. Pick a lane!

As you might imagine, I had, in fact, not forgotten about Christmas. I also understand that shipping can be slow. I really just hoped to receive a tracking number, or some other way to estimate when the thing might arrive. I didn’t really get that, but I did get an amusingly churlish reply. That’s something, at least.

It’s the Most Email-Y Time of the Year

Parking officer Steve…GRABOWSKI

Tuesday, November 28th, 2023

Though it is not #GivingTuesdayNow, it is Giving Tuesday, now, as I write this. That means we’re nearing the end of one of the most annoying weeks of the year, the one that includes the annual Black Friday-Small Business Saturday-Cyber Monday-Giving Tuesday quadfecta.1

Though I received some teaser emails earlier, things kicked off in earnest for me on Thanksgiving morning, with a message from my Alliant credit card telling me “It’s Officially Gift Giving Season!”. Sure. Near as I can tell, this message was a reminder to…use my credit card to pay for purchases.

A credit card company email reminding me to use my credit card

To be clear, this card always pays me 2.5% cash back, on all purchases all year round. Aside from this inane email marketing aside, it’s actually a pretty great card, one which has given me thousands of dollars in rewards of the years. That’s why I use it whenever I can. I’m sure Alliant has some cardholders who don’t make use of their cards, but I’m not one of them, and sending me this reminder is just a waste of everyone’s time. At least it’s nicely personalized though, with my name appearing in all caps. I can feel the warmth.

Yesterday, in the early hours of Cyber Monday, I received an email from a charity I support with the subject “⏰ Last chance to make your early gift! ⏰”. Yes, at 8 AM on Monday, I only had 16 more hours to make an early Giving Tuesday gift. Alas, I missed out. Don’t worry though, because today, I can still make a regular Giving Tuesday gift. But if I drop the ball on that? Well, gosh, maybe on Wednesday, they’ll offer to let me make a late donation.

Shortly after sharing this “Last chance” email with my pal Amy Jane, she sent me this text: “Beat the Giving Tuesday rush, Amy!”. I told her I couldn’t decide if that was an actual email subject line, or if she had just invented an even more ridiculous idea. Behold:

A credit card company email reminding me to use my credit card

It is all too real. I don’t know if Amy acted fast to beat the donating rush. I hope so, because if not, they could be unable to handle a donation today. She could be turned away at the door, and that would just be embarrassing.

The obnoxious email frenzy at the start of the holiday shopping season does have one redeeming quality, though. It’s a great time to unsubscribe from that handful of lists which managed to add me in the past year.

Footnotes:

  1. As far as I can tell, Sunday isn’t claimed. Yet. ↩︎

The Eight Most Terrifying Words in the English Language

“I’m from Amazon, and I’m here to help.”

Friday, October 27th, 2023

The healthcare system in America has some major problems. For interesting but unfortunate historical reasons, it’s needlessly tied to employment, so that if you lose your job you’re very likely also losing your healthcare coverage. It’s for-profit, which is no small reasons why medical expenses are one of America’s leading causes of bankruptcy. And it’s terribly difficult to navigate, with rules and regulations that lead people to feel lost.

Given all that, you might be down on the state of American medicine. But don’t worry. Amazon is here to fix it.

An email touting Amazon Clinic

I particularly love their list of things I might be worried about. COVID…my penis……or looking old. Yup, those are the important ones!

The Email of Three Lies

“That’s not a twist-off…”

Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Harvard University sits in the middle of Cambridge, just across the river from Boston. One of the most well-known landmarks on campus is this sculpture of John Harvard:

The “John Harvard” statue[Photo credit: dog97209]

Except, well, it isn’t a sculpture of John Harvard at all. It’s often referred to as the “statue of three lies” because:

  • 1. It’s not a representation of John Harvard.

  • 2. It lists John Harvard as “Founder”, though he was not.

  • 3. It lists the school’s founding as 1638, rather than the correct 1636.

The reason for the first lie is that no one knows what John Harvard looked like. As for the other two fallacies, I’ve no idea why they’ve remained for nearly a century and a half. At least it makes for good tour guide fodder.

I was reminded of this goofy statue thanks to the following email from CVS:

An email from CVS stating “The updated COVID-19 vaccine is here! Oh, and it’s free.”

Somewhat coincidentally, the email arrived shortly before a vaccine appointment I had already scheduled at a nearby CVS location. Though I was a bit concerned about that asterisk on the word “free”, I figured I’d give it a go. Just a few minutes after receiving this email, I biked over to CVS and checked in at the pharmacy desk.

Now, I will note that on the plus side, I did not have to pay for the vaccine. However, that was because I didn’t get immunized at all. The clerk told me all COVID vaccine appointments had been cancelled, because they had not yet received any supply.1

Back at home and sadly unstabbed, I glanced at the email again. That’s when I was reminded of the aforementioned John Harvard statue. You see, this email is false in multiple ways. Like the statue, it features its own trio of tarradiddles. Firstaball, the updated COVID-19 vaccine is, in fact, not here! It’s not here at all, and that’s a problem. Secondaball, the vaccine may or may not be free, as many people have had issues with getting insurance coverage. To their credit, they did at least put a caveat on that. But thirdaball?

That patient’s right arm really does not look like it matches her body. I don’t know if it’s a bad Photoshop, bad lighting, or what, but despite the nail polish and rings, that looks like a (possibly severed) man’s arm draped across her chest.

Footnotes:

  1. She also asked me “Did you get a text?”. I could only stare back as I bit my tongue against the snarky responses that sprang to mind. After all, it was CVS’s system that failed to alert me, and that probably wasn’t her fault. But no, no I did not get a text telling me my appointment was cancelled. If I had, I would not have shown up for said appointment. ↩︎

Something’s Fishy

Are they swimming in a water cooler?

Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

I don’t know about you, but I find myself receiving a lot of emails about scams I should avoid. Gosh, life in 2023 sure is fun, huh? Recently, one such email from Capital One had me scratching my head. Here’s a look:

You can’t see it in that still picture, but the fish up top are (mildly) animated, which is a little fun:

However, those fish are also confusing, and not just because how the hell are their masks staying on? Let’s reason this out. The shark is a scammer, right? He’s pretending to be a goldfish, surely for nefarious/dinner reasons. OK. Very tricky, shark!

But then, for what possible reason is the goldfish wearing a mask? Is every fish in this corrupt sea a scammer? Or do they have a “Fish Face/Off” thing going on? Perhaps the goldfish is attempting to trick the shark as well. Am I going to have to actively scam my scammers? The future is exhausting.

I fear I have put much more thought into this than the designer did. This little image could’ve been cute and clever, if only they hadn’t given the goldfish a mask. Instead, they did extra work, and blew it.

Email Marketers Live Very Different Lives

Or so I imagine, anyway.

Wednesday, January 18th, 2023

I work to maintain a manageable email inbox. This includes frequently declining to provide my email address when asked, as well as unsubscribing from lists without hesitation. And yet? And yet, the nonsense never fully stops.

Of late, I’ve received a steady stream of emails informing me of modifications to various privacy policies. I imagine this is due to some law somewhere having been amended. Now the absurd nature of our society is laid bare each week, with multiple emails telling me that a document I’ve never read, and never will read, has changed.

Aside from providing a bleak laugh about our terrible future, however, privacy policy update emails aren’t really any fun. Better are those messages which at least provide some sort of amusement. For instance, in mid-December, I received the following:

An email with the subject line “Tis the season for earning AAdvantage miles.”

Ah, yes, the most wonderful time of year! With much mistletoeing, and hearts all a-glowing, when American Airlines miles are earned by dining out at random restaurants and paying with a specific credit card.

The next email sent by the same sender was more uplifting. In fact, it was perhaps the best news I’ve received in a long, long time. I’m sad for the rest of you, however, because 2023 is not your year. No, no, per the American Airlines AAdvantage Dining Program:

An email with the subject line “It’s the year of Paul.”

Sorry, non-Paul chumps and chumpettes.

Last up, I received an email from the home of the Whopper, Burger King. Though I haven’t eaten meat in more than two decades, I do find myself in a Burger King once every year or three, as they’ve long had a few vegetarian offerings. Still, I don’t recall ever signing up for…well, anything. I imagine I received this as the result of placing an online order at some point in the past:

This email informed me that a “Linked (Credit) Card” would now work for loyalty identification, to “earn Crowns not only for in-app and bk.com orders, but also for in-store purchases”. Now, that’s really news I can use, because a close look reveals the fact that I currently have a woeful 0 “Crowns”:

Yes, I believe even that “1+” dot should be empty for me. But my favorite part of this particular missive was the subject line, which badly misunderstand the meaning of its own very first word:

An email with the subject line “Important update to Terms and Conditions for Royal Perks

“Important” to whom, Burger King? “Important” to whom?

Maybe These Are The Last Checks I Ever Buy

Will my check writing frequency continue to decrease? I hope so!

Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

Three months ago, I wrote about the rather early reminder I received encouraging me to order new checks. At the time, I noted that in the 9+ months since I’d ordered my checks, I had used a total of 10 of them. Recently, I received another email from everyone’s favorite Vericast business:

Well, Harland, it turns out it’s also been a while since I wrote a check! In fact, since I mocked you in my previous post, I’ve written exactly zero checks. That means I’m averaging fewer than one check per month. I now need to revise the estimate from June. It now looks like I’ll be due to order checks in 2038. Surely we won’t still be writing checks then, right?

Let’s Not

What's the best case for trash can pics? “Not too gross”?

Friday, June 24th, 2022

Over a decade ago, I spent a few extra bucks on some slightly more expensive trash cans from Simplehuman. Rather than using the absolutely cheapest refuse receptacle I could find, I thought I’d get something a little nicer. It’s been a fine decision.

In late May, I ordered some new trash bags from Simplehuman.1 They arrived quickly, and I put a couple in my trash cans, then moved on with my life.

Until three weeks later, when Simplehuman got in touch:

An email from Simplehuman that says “We'd love to hear from you” and requests a review

I would love to not hear from you, Simplehuman! I cannot fathom taking even 20 seconds of my life to leave a review for trash bags.2 I also can’t imagine needing a five star scale to rate trash bags. This is surely a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down situation, at most.

As for the invitation to get social, I’m going to have to decline that as well. Thanks anyhow, Simplehuman.

Footnotes:

  1. Along the lines of the razors and blades model, Simplehuman offers custom-sized liners for their cans. They cost a few cents more than standard trash bags, but look a lot nicer. ↩︎

  2. Don’t think I’ve failed to recognize the inherent ridiculousness in taking much longer than 20 seconds to write about all of this. I spend that time for you, dear reader. ↩︎

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