Previous “Questions” posts

Eee dont now

Monday, December 3rd, 2018

As I skimmed through the listing for a stamp roll dispenser on Amazon, I came upon this question and answer pair:

A question being unhelpfully answered with the text 'No, í dont now '.

This incredibly useless reply from “Magaly” has been cracking me up ever since. They managed to cram three typos into just four words, which is worse even than this previous train wreck. I have many questions.

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL AMAZON USER “MAGALY”

  • Why in the world did you bother replying?

  • Are you aware that it’s not mandatory for you to fill all empty text boxes on the web?

  • How did you manage to type an “í” instead of an “I”?

  • Isn’t it fun to pronounce this emphatically, as “Eee dont now!”?

  • Does a missing period count as a typo? If so, we’ve got four typos in four words.

  • Man, they really nailed that comma, though.

    Previously in stupid Amazon things: This Is Not Helpful, Amazon

Wine Personalized to My Tastes Is Actually Just Called “Beer”

Tuesday, August 7th, 2018

Last week, I received a spammy come-on to purchase some wine via the internet. The ad had more than a few issues.

An add that says 'Wine personalized to your tastes', with a swimsuit-clad woman lounging on a pool float holding a glass of wine she can't even drink.

SIX QUESTIONS FOR THIS SPAMMY EMAIL FOR HORNY WINOS

  • Is that woman lying down on balloons? Ah, no, I see. That’s actually a rather cool-looking pool float.

  • Do you folks sell pool floats? I’d buy that pool float.

  • Did they change the calendar recently? This email arrived on Friday, August 3rd, which was not part of any three day weekend to my knowledge. While I too enjoy three day weekends, a month ahead of time seems a bit premature to celebrate Labor Day.

  • Oh jeez, is that a cactus behind the pool float? Don’t put an inflatable pool float near cacti!

  • Say, you mention wine, but I don’t see any. Am I missing it? I see ass. Legs and ass. Definitely no face though, and also, no wine.

  • Oh, there the wine is, all the way on the left. Did anyone on the marketing team notice that there’s literally no way this ridiculously-posed woman can drink wine in that position?1

  • In closing, I’d like to know where I can buy that pool float.


    Footnotes:

    1. Perhaps she could use some sort of straw, but only if she’s some kind of anti-environmental monster. ↩︎

Iceland Airwaves Is Apparently NOT the Onboard Music Station for IcelandAir

Friday, October 7th, 2016

I recently visited Iceland for the first time, and my Instagram is looking fresh as hell1. My inbox, however, is not looking quite so gorgeous. That’s due to an email I received from IcelandAir, the airline that transported me across the Atlantic. With the apparent hope that I’ll fly with them again, they sent me this:

Six Questions for This Email From IcelandAir

  • Is Björk wearing Nickelodeon™ Floam® on her face?

  • You remember Floam, right?

  • Hang on, is Björk wearing a garbage bag on her head?

  • Those aren’t earrings, are they? They’re totally the drawstrings on a goddamned garbage bag!

  • Who books travel based on a marketing email received from an airline?

  • Is the answer to the previous question “Björk fans”?

In closing, “Björk” is a funny word.


Footnotes:

  1. Here’s a small sample:


    [Link]

    I


    [Link]

    mean


    [Link]

    come


    [Link]

    on.

    In a word, Iceland is stunning.↩︎

OK, Now It’s Christmas

Friday, December 20th, 2013

Earlier this week, the holiday season really kicked off, as my podcasting cohort Amy sent a seasonal floral arrangement my way. Perhaps in retaliation for the carpet-bombing of celebrity photos she received from me, she sent the “Santa Paws and His Best Reindeer™”, from the 1-800-Flowers “A-DOG-able®” collection. I did not answer the door bell when it rang, because honestly, who rings a door bell? Savages, that’s who. Anyhow, the delivery person opted to just leave these poor dogs in the snow.

I immediately shared it with the world via Instagram, because it’s…really something.

Santa Paws and his best reindeer
Really Something

However, this remarkable gift has left me pondering many things.

Seven Questions About “Santa Paws and His Best Reindeer”

  • Just how far from the original word, “adorable” can you get and have it still be acceptable? Whatever the answer, 1-800-Flowers is well past that point.

  • The dogs sit in a wicker basket, and inside is just a foam floral block soaked in water. Thus, the bottom of the basket is sopping wet. What exactly am I supposed to do here? Is this a tub arrangement? “Oh, you can’t use the downstairs shower, the flower dogs are in there”.

  • What year is it? Amy attempted to instruct me to “[p]lease save the dog’s glasses”. Here’s how that poor apostrophe was mangled:


    Santa Paws and his best reindeer
    “Please save the Doga S glasses”

  • What the hell makes this one Santa’s “best” reindeer, anyway?

  • Is the reindeer a flower dog dressed as a reindeer, or is it just a flower reindeer?

  • Hang on. What the hell is Amy planning to do with these dog glasses, anyway?

  • Can you believe this is someone’s job?

I, for one, can not.

Five Questions for the TSA

Wednesday, March 6th, 2013

Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, Wiffle bats are free to be carried on domestic flights at last.

Acceptable and Unacceptable Bats

This change will come April 25th, 2013, when the TSA implements their updated Prohibited Items List (PIL). One of the many changes is the ability to carry on small and/or light bats. After looking over the full PIL1, I have a few questions.

Five Questions for the TSA

  • How is a box cutter any more dangerous than these knives?

  • Who the hell carries on ski poles, pool cues, golf clubs, or hockey sticks?

  • If someone carries on golf clubs, what the hell good will a maximum of two clubs do them?2

  • What is changing on April 25th to make these items suddenly safer?

  • Setting aside the reinforcement of cockpit doors touted even by TSA critic Bruce Schneier (which were ordered before the TSA was even created anyhow), have any of the changes to airline security the TSA has implemented ever had any impact on our real security whatsoever?

I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that last one.


Footnotes:

  1. The revision from the time of this post is archived here. ↩︎

  2. Maybe a perfect golfer could make due with a driver and a putter? ↩︎

Was That Really the Best Available Venue?

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

MSNBC’s photoblog recently had a post from the New York Yankees’ media day which raised some questions.

A-Rod Posing In A Bathroom

  • Is that…the men’s room? Well ladies, if you ever wondered what a urinal looks like, now you know.

  • Is the photographer taking those pictures with a cell phone?

  • Is the handicapped stall being used for storage?

  • Why is the resulting picture of Alex Rodriguez’s head so much bigger than everyone else’s? Skipping over the easy jokes, the answer may actually be that he stepped over the line.

  • Who do you think got to lay that strip of tape down on the bathroom floor?

Seriously though – the men’s room?

Update (March 5th, 2012): Nick Laham is the photographer pictured here, and has more on his blog.

As American As Apple Ple

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

Five years ago yesterday, Apple unveiled the very first iPhone. Two months earlier, this photo was snapped with a Sony Ericsson T637, at one of New England’s Building #19 discount stores1.

Apple Ples [sic]

Like everything at Building #19, these signs were very, very cheap.

Three Questions for This Typo-tastic Sign

  • Doesn’t it seem like, instead of giving up on the signs and selling them for pennies on the dollar, the manufacturer could just have painted that “L” into an “I?

  • Even without the typo, who exactly wants a sign that just says “Apple Pies” anyway?

  • Can you believe cell phone cameras were ever this bad?


Footnotes:

  1. Phones (and their cameras) have changed a lot since then, but Building 19’s website hasn’t. ↩︎

Bad Ads: Five Questions for Hot Pockets Sideshots

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

Hot Pockets, the microwaveable dinner of sorrow and remorse, has a new TV commercial. The ad, entitled Brothers, is touting their Sideshots sandwiches1. While most commercials are intended to be informative, this one leaves me with many more questions than answers. So, five questions for Nestle about Hot Pockets Sideshots:

  • Why does Buffalo Chicken have a stutter?

  • Why is Sloppy Joe so obviously stoned?

  • Despite boasting about tasting great, your anthropomorphized sandwiches are clearly terrified of being eaten. What sort of reluctant suicide food is this?

  • Are you aware that you’re singing your theme with the same blasé tone and inflection Jim Gaffagan uses in his Hot Pockets standup routine2, specifically when he says “Diarrhea pockets”?

  • Would it be possible to have your product look any more like a bowel movement?

    Hot Pockets Sideshots Cheeseburgers
    A steaming pile of sideshots.


Footnotes:

  1. Archived right here. ↩︎

  2. Archived as well. ↩︎

Questions About the Virgins

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

Yesterday I posted an offhand comment to Twitter:

  • 72 virgins doesn’t sound like my idea of heaven. It sounds like a lot of really lousy sex.

This referred to the belief held by some Muslims that in paradise, they’ll be granted 72 virgins. I’m not really interested in the religious aspects of this, but the concept itself strikes me as rather ridiculous. Some questions:

  • As indicated, virgins are going to be inexperienced sexually. Is that really much of a reward?

  • So maybe virgins are your kink. But are these women virginal just once? If that’s the reward, you’re really going to want to make it last. One a year might seem like you’re taking it slowly, until you remember that you’re there for eternity. How do you ration 72 across infinity?

  • Alright, perhaps these are magical virgins, whose virginity regenerates. If so, I want to know one thing: Just how evil was the poor schmuck who’s stuck washing the sheets in heaven?

I’ve obviously been thinking about this a bit too much.