Previous “Things I Learned” posts

Things I Learned About Dog Treats

Friday, December 11th, 2015

Speaking of that dog, I learned some truly disgusting things while watching his furry butt recently.

  • Many dogs enjoy a treat known as a “bully stick”, which appears to be a bone, or some sort of jerky. Previously, these treats had been in a plain Ziploc bag, but they are in fact sold in proper packaging, by places like Petco.

    A package of Bully Sticks

  • In addition to “bully sticks”, said packaging also refers to these treats as “steer sticks”. Hmm.

  • The ingredients list the item as “beef pizzle”. Beef…pizzle…? Is that…is that a penis?!

  • That’s totally a penis! Jesus! Also, “beef” is a kind of meat. This is a bull pizzle, though the attempt at obfuscation is understandable.

  • The warning label on this treat is horrifying on so very many levels:

    Warning label which reads This is a pet chew. Not intended for human consumption. Always supervise your pet while chewing–remove any small, broken or splintering pieces to minimize the risk of choking hazard or gastrointestinal blockage. If chew becomes wet, some color transfer may occur. Feeding on upholstry or carpeting is not recommended. Provide fresh water to your pet at all times. Wash hands throughly before and after handling product.

  • To put it frankly, chewed bull penis mixed with dog saliva does not smell very good.

Things I Learned: Buying Chocolate

Tuesday, June 11th, 2013

While shopping at a fancy Australian chocolate shop, I stumbled upon this brochure:

Caring for Your Chocolate Brochure
That is some high-maintenance chocolate.

It taught me a great deal.

  • The ideal temperature for storing chocolate is 15 – 20 degrees Celsius, which means now you gotta do math.

  • You may think “It’s not that hot out”, but please, never leave your chocolates in a parked car. Your dog, sure, but not your chocolates, and definitely not your dog and your chocolates together, alone.

  • The name for that kinda-gross white powder that chocolate gets is “chocolate shock”. It’s ok to eat though.

  • Hey, be careful where you keep those chocolates. Cocoa butter in chocolate absorbs odors readily, so be sure to store them away from garlic, spices, and perfumed soap.

  • Note the number in the upper right of the brochure’s cover. Purchasing chocolates requires extensive education, and not one but at least three informational brochures.

Frankly, I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.

Things I Learned Watching ‘Let The Right One In’

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010
  • Don’t worry, that smell is just a hungry vampire.

  • If you want to say “Rubik’s Cube” in Swedish, it’s “Rubik’s Cube”. You’re well on your way to mastering a foreign language!

  • Geez, that creepy old guy was terrible at his job. Just awful.

  • Computer-generated cats really, really hate vampires.

  • Revenge on bullies seems ok, but that’s a bit much, don’t you think?

  • The American version of the book on which the film is based is called “Let Me In” because the publishers believed that “Let The Right One In”, the original title, was too long.

  • Publishers think everyone is as stupid as they are.

Things I Learned at My Local Sporting Goods Store

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009
  • It’s not sporting to play with things like footballs or hockey pucks, which aren’t sold at this sporting goods store. It is sporting to shoot guns and crossbows, which are sold here.

  • If man-made nest boxes are available, wood ducks will gladly use them.

  • The Remington Model 887™ Nitro Mag is an armor-clad warrior for the most extreme conditions on earth.

  • Go on, shoot them right in their feathery little faces!

  • In total, the free 2010 calendar provided by Remington with all purchases features 12 different pictures of majestic animals that customers will enjoy killing.

  • They will brook no “Happy Holidays” in my local sporting goods store, where I was wished an emphatic “Merry Christmas”. They’re going to win that damned war on Christmas, one customer at a time.

Things I Learned From the Cell Phones of Obnoxious Jerks

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
  • Rakesh has his citizenship test on Wednesday.

  • The flight is delayed ten minutes. No, ten minutes. TEN! Look, she’ll call you back.

  • Sprinkles the Religious Clown will certainly delight the children of your parish!

  • Sammy had himself a walk just before the trip, but he didn’t poop. [It was unclear whether ‘Sammy’ was a dog, or a young boy. -Ed.]

  • That is bullshit. No! That is – no. NO. NO. NO. NO! That is BULLSHIT! Hello? HELLO?!

Things I Learned Sitting Next to Tom Brown on a Plane

Monday, September 28th, 2009
Internet switch
  • Tom enjoys sales stickers on his laptop and the world enjoys knowing that his laptop is “VIDEO MESSAGING READY, with a BuiltIn Camera & Microphone [sic]”.

  • Tom’s screen gets very bright when he turns it up.

  • Halfway through a two-hour flight, Tom is willing to fill out a long web form and pay for in-flight wifi. He no doubt has important business to which he must attend.

  • Tom’s preferred user name is ‘thbrown007’. However, as Tom is about 5’7″ and over 200 pounds, he is both shorter and fatter than any version of the true double-oh-seven, James Bond.

  • Tom Brown’s favorite color? Brown. No, no, that would be a terrible favorite color. It’s actually blue.

  • Tom’s mother’s maiden name was ‘Buster’. I want very much for her to have hyphenated her last name after marriage.

  • Honestly, Tom’s screen brightness is really quite high.

  • Tom is a Texas Tech Red Raiders fan. Alternately, Tom is a fan of masked men on horses, enough to take the time to find a picture of one, download it, then set it as his wallpaper.

  • Tom has a daughter born in 1990, and he’s friends with her on Facebook. Alternately, he has a wildly age-inappropriate wife born in 1990, and he’s friends with her on Facebook.

  • Tom can spend many minutes optimizing his Netflix queue, until the Internet is finally switched off.

  • Tom did not in fact have important business to which he must attend.

Things I Learned From a Baby’s First Birthday Party and Associated Toys

Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
  • Placing an item on a kitchen grill will create a pleasant sizzling noise. This includes body parts such as the palm.

  • Airplane propellors can be easily stopped with the hand, without injury.

  • Far from being made by a mixture of hot air and corn kernels, popcorn is actually made by pushing a small two-wheeled plastic cart.

  • Kids love the beard. To these toddlers? I’m like some kind of crazy dog who can talk.

  • Infants are ungrateful little jerks who don’t even have the common decency to say “Thank you” when they’re given awesome gifts like sweet-ass trucks that even a fully-grown adult would love to play with.