💧 Money Quotes: August 10th, 2016 Edition

It’s time once again for Money Quotes, the best in ridiculous quotes from the news. While it’s been quite awhile since our last edition, the collection process has been ongoing, and the archives overflow with goodness. Please enjoy!

Recently at New York’s botanical garden, the so-called corpse flower bloomed. When the flower blooms, it attract pollinators which ordinarily feed on dead animals by emitting its own foul odor.

Kathryn, an 11-year-old plant enthusiast, said it smelled like her cat’s litter box but sharper. Her six-year-old brother, Toby, said it smelled worse than “one thousand pukes”

Ah, from the mouths of babes. “Worse than one thousand pukes” is really a hell of a great line.

Meanwhile, though this particular story is a few years old, out-of-touch politicians remain a constant. While trying to explain how inflation is calculated, and why food prices were rising faster than inflation, president of the New York Federal Reserve Bank William Dudley told a crowd “Today you can buy an iPad 2 that costs the same as an iPad 1 that is twice as powerful”. A man in the crowd was heard to retort:

“I can’t eat an iPad!”

Indeed you cannot, good sir. Indeed you cannot.

Speaking of eating (and over-eating), let’s turn to the NFL. After a successful season, running back Arian Foster gave each of his offensive lineman a gift: their own Segway.

The linemen screamed with delight when they discovered their new toys, and learned how to ride them with help from Foster, who has had one for a while.

The average NFL lineman weighs over 300 pounds, and is well over 6 feet tall. I just don’t think they “scream with delight”. But if they really did, well, that is just adorable.

Next, we go to space, which can often be very exciting. In this case, however, it’s dull. Very, very dull.

Asteroid 2005 YU55, a giant rock floating through space, looks like a giant rock floating through space, reports one astronomer, who observed the giant rock as it floated through space past the Earth on Tuesday.

It’s like the reporter was both bored and had a minimum word count to hit.

Finally, in stupid criminals, a man and woman were arrested after being caught engaged in sexual activity. Police believed this to be a case of prostitution (or as they called it, “engaging in sexual services for a fee”). However, the woman in question had a different spin on it.

The female told officers that they were not engaged in a sex for fee arrangement but instead that the male suspect was her boyfriend whom she had been dating for about seven or eight minutes.

The inexactness is what really makes this one. “Seven or eight minutes”! It’s glorious.