Your Butt Is the Bomb

["Why fusili?” "Because you're silly."]
Allow me to open by quoting one Cosmo Kramer.1 Here’s the ASSMAN:

Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don’t walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you’ve ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It’s always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: ‘It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.’.

On that note, a 24-year-old man recently forced the evacuation of a French hospital, after doctors found an eight-inch-long WWI artillery shell in his rectum.

“He was in a state of extreme discomfort, having inserted a large object up his rectum,” said an investigating source.

“Emergency surgery was carried out, and the object was found to be an artillery shell dating back to the First World War.
“Worse still, it had not exploded, and so bomb disposal experts had to be called to diffuse the shell, with the fire brigade standing by.”

Staff and patients were evacuated from Rangueil Hospital, and a security perimeter was set up around the accident and emergency unit, before the pointed 1918 shell, which was almost 8 inches long and just over an inch in circumference, was declared safe.

It’s not yet known how or why the shell wound up where it did, though your first guess is probably the right one. He might want to obfuscate, however.

The patient, a French national, was set to be interviewed by police this week, as prosecutors contemplated legal action against him for handling ‘category A munitions’, according to an officer.

Surely the mockery he’s going to endure for approximately ever is punishment enough?

I initially tried to locate a solid non-tabloid link for this story, but when it comes to live munitions being shoved up someone’s butt, something like the Daily Mail probably is the best source. They even had the details on how this isn’t the first Frenchman to find himself in this uncomfortable position.

In 2022, doctors were left shell-shocked after an 88-year-old Frenchman arrived at a hospital with a World War I bomb stuck in his bottom.

The unnamed senior citizen arrived at the Hospital Sainte Musse in Toulon, southern France, in the hope of having the eight-inch-long artillery shell removed from his anus.

…

It is understood that the man had inserted it in his bottom for sexual pleasure.

Amazingly, it appears the octogenarian actually copped to exactly what he’d been up to. Perhaps with age comes a corresponding loss of shame.

Anyhow, come on, France. There have got to be better options. Ones with flared ends.

Footnotes:

The relevant video is archived here. ↩︎

Link: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-15519391/Man-24-sparks-evacuation-French-hospital-doctors-8ins-long-live-WW1-artillery-shell-rectum.html