8 results found for “condoms”

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn’t Work on Pets Either

Wednesday, April 30th, 2014

I do a double-take every time I see this ad1 at Logan Airport:

It can happen sooner than you think. 50% of all pets born are accidents. Spaying or neutering your pet at 4 months can prevent those accidents and help save millions of cats and dogs from being killed in shelters each year. Prevent More. Fix at month four.

While the poster is actually encouraging owners to spay and neuter their pets, I always think it might be a “safe sex” ad. Something more like this:

It can happen sooner than you think. 50% of all pets born are accidents. Talk to your cat or dog about safe sex, and teach them how to prevent pregnancy and the diseases they can get from unprotected sex. Prevent More. Fix at month four.

The business of this would really make more sense. After all, spaying and neutering are a one-and-done procedures. But with kitty condoms and doggie birth control pills, veterinarians could be making money year after year.


Footnotes:

  1. A full-sized version is archived here. ↩︎

Ridiculous Products: Crown Jewels Condoms

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Condoms seem to come up frequently here on One Foot Tsunami, and twice they’ve been featured as Ridiculous Products, specifically Virgin Condoms and the Durex Variety Bowl. The world of contraceptives continues to churn out the hits.

Most recently, a British prophylactic manufacturer named Crown Jewels1 has created royal wedding condoms, in special packaging commemorating the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton2.

Crown Jewels condoms

A “triumvirate” (that means 3) of these “lavishly lubed”, “regally ribbed” heritage condoms sell for about $8 a box, and includes a disturbing portrait of the couple, “as they might appear on their wedding day”.

According to the Crown Jewels press release, the product is “a unique way to remember this great British occasion” and “[a]ll at Crown Jewels have worked tirelessly to craft these heirloom quality love sheaths.

Tastelessness of this product aside, I never want to see the phrase “heirloom-quality love sheaths” again. Fortunately, Lydia Leith is making royal wedding barf bags, so our collective nausea can be contained in noble fashion.

Without question, however, the most disturbing aspect of these condoms is actually found in the fine print on the Crown Jewels page, which reads:

Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs.

What the hell? What the hell is that?!


Footnotes:

  1. Slogan: “Condoms of Distinction” ↩︎

  2. A clever title for this post might have been “Lie Back and Think of England“, except that Crown Jewels uses that as the page title on their own site. ↩︎

Bed Bugs? Disgusting. Bed Bug Scientists? Worse. 

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010

Bedbugs are back in America. Disgusting though they are, they may not be the grossest thing about this article.

The classic bedbug strain that all newly caught bugs are compared against is a colony originally from Fort Dix, N.J., that a researcher kept alive for 30 years by letting it feed on him.

Apparently, a scientist let bedbugs feed on him for thirty years. A day or two, ok, fine, but thirty years?! Other biologists, like Steven A. Kells, are not quite so giving of themselves. Kells feeds his bed bugs with expired blood-bank blood wrapped in parafilm.

Coby Schal of North Carolina State said he formerly used condoms filled with rabbit blood, but switched to parafilm because his condom budget raised eyebrows with university auditors.

I know one thing. I would love to have been a part of that particular conversation.

The Quickest of Quickies 

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

I contemplated including this item in yesterday’s Winter Olympics WTFs, but really, no one should be surprised. If you put several thousand world-class athletes in a pen together, they start to get frisky.

That’s why the Vancouver organizers have laid in a stock of 100,000 condoms, which works out to 14 for each of the 7,000 athletes, coaches, trainers and officials housed in the Games’ two villages.

The distribution of free condoms at the Olympics goes back at least to 1992 and Barcelona. In 2000, Sydney organizers thought that 70,000 would be enough. They were wrong and had to send out for 20,000 more. Beijing also ordered 100,000 condoms with an Olympic motto: Faster, higher, stronger.

Even better, the U.S. Curling Association has their own brand of condom, “Hurry Hard” (a curling phrase used to encourage faster ice sweeping). Fantastic.

The Hurry Hard condom logo

I applaud the encouragement of safe sex, but ‘Faster’? ‘Hurry’? Olympic athletes need to learn that some things shouldn’t be races.

Ridiculous Products: The Durex Variety Bowl

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Durex Fishbowl
Behold, the Durex Variety Bowl!

This preposterous purchase will give you 144 condoms, in several different varieties1, all in one convenient candy bowl. A gross of condoms. Gross. It’s quite a bargain though, as the Durex Variety Bowl costs just $29.99.

“But Paul”, I hear my male readers whining, “I’m not some sort of man-whore. How will I use all of these?”. To that I reply that perhaps you should become some sort of man-whore. Certainly any girl who sees this in your bedroom will assume as much anyway, so why not go with it? If she sticks around, you’ll enjoy carnal pleasures and possibly earn some spendin’ money while you’re at it.

Honestly though, when a girl sees this on a guy’s nightstand, won’t she be horrified? Or perhaps even worse, how about when a guy sees it on a girl’s nightstand? Hooray for safe sex and the cost savings of buying in bulk, but there are limits!

In spite of the incredible lasciviousness of this product, or possibly because of it, you may find it appealing. Perhaps you like a challenge. If you do decide to take the plunge, you’re likely to find yourself in a race against the expiration dates on these prophylactics. My advice? Spring for the express shipping. Every second counts.


Footnotes:

  1. According to Drugstore.com, they are:
       • Natural Feeling
       • Pleasure Max
       • Extra Sensitive
       • Her Sensation

    Who gets to name these things? That seems like a sweet gig. ↩︎

Overheard in Accenture’s Ad Review Meeting

Monday, January 11th, 2010

I spotted this as I was leaving Logan yesterday (ah, airport ads). I’ve got my doubts that it will be there for long, so I snapped a picture.

I’m not much for Tiger Woods jokes (they’re so 2009), but I find myself imagining what will be said in the upcoming review meeting for this ad campaign.

Tiger Woods ad with crocodile

  • “We know what it takes to be a Tiger?” What’s that exactly, bulk purchases of condoms?

  • You guys do know that ‘>’ isn’t actually an accent mark in any language, right?

  • Sometimes you get the gator, and sometimes the gator gets you, I guess.

  • Why does our list of services start with a bullet-point?

  • Man, Elin is scary without her make-up!

Ridiculous Products: Virgin Condoms

Friday, September 11th, 2009

Virgin Condom

It’s tough to believe this is real, but it was brought to me direct from Indonesia, so I can vouch for it. Heck, they’ve got a website and everything. Their site will even teach you that “Manjakani” isn’t Indonesian slang for “penis” (yet), but is actually a natural extract that tightens erectile tissue layers.

And geez, did you really think it was called a “penis condom”?

That name just kills me though. Is this a niche product? Condoms for virgins? Or condoms made exclusively for intercourse with virgins? Either way, I think I’ve got a slogan for them:

Virgin: Not for long!

Amusing Answers

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Earlier this week, I asked an ostensibly rhetorical question via my Twitter account:

  • Is there anything sadder than throwing out expired condoms?

Answers to my question poured in, and I’ve collected my favorites below.

I thought of including this joke in the original tweet, but opted for simplicity and a good setup:

“Tweeting about it ;)”

@majicDave

“Talking about it on twitter?”

@boucher

This one goes poetic:

“It’s the old adage: it’s better to have bought, not loved and tossed then never to [have] bought at all.”

@danagel

While Daniel is more pragmatic:

“Yes. Using them.”

@danielpunkass

This rabid badger might have some illegitimate offspring of which he’s unaware:

“Condoms have expiration dates? Uh oh”

@rabidbadger

And Chockenberry, as always, is delightfully weird:

“DUDE DONT YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE BALOONS WITH THEM WASTE NOT WANT NOT”

@chockenberry

The most disturbing, and also most amusing, however, was this:

“What about throwing up expired condoms?”

@davidcairns

Enjoy the mental image, folks!