6 results found for “socks”

Ridiculous Products: Sexy Beyond Burger Costume

Tuesday, October 1st, 2019

Today marks the first day of October, which means it’s time to buckle down and decide what type of sexy you’ll be this Halloween.1 Will you be a sexy nurse? Perhaps a sexy pirate? You can even be a sexy Mr. Rogers.2 You know you have to be some kind of sexy, and the options are nearly limitless in the awfulness that is 2019.

New this year is a sexy Beyond Burger costume. This is problematic in multiple ways. In addition to its name likely being a trademark violation, it’s also the sexualization of a veggie burger. That’s more than a little bizarre, which I suppose pretty standard when it comes to modern costumes.

Initially, I thought the bestworst3 part of the whole thing was the headband. Multiple fake meat purveyors have had restaurants place little flags on their burgers, to serve as a tiny form of advertising. This costume goes with the more generic “plant based” phrase, which has become incredibly trendy in 2019, but the idea is the same.

However, this implies 1) That your brain is plant-based, which sounds sort of like an insult, and 2) That there’s a massive toothpick stuck right through your skull. The latter is actually rather on-point for a proper, scary Halloween costume, so maybe this horrible idea could be redeemed with a bit of stage makeup and effects.

There’s no redeeming the actual worst part though, which is this:

A stamp on the rear end of the costume says 'Certified Not Grade A'.

I guess the thinking was that since it’s not animal meat, your ass can’t be Grade A. But like the plant based brain, this too looks like an insult to the wearer. How about “Certified: Better Than Grade A”? Or “Certified: Hot!”. Anything would be better than this. Also, your ass kind of is animal meat, when you get right down to it.

This one detail alone is almost as bad as the previously featured Bad Ass socks. The total of all of it is much worse.


Footnotes:

  1. Alternately or synonymously, “slutty↩︎

  2. This may be a new low, and even more ridiculous than the Beyond costume. It’s also deeply, deeply weird, so weird that I don’t feel I can cover it properly. To each their own, I know, but if you’re a person who finds this appealing, I don’t know what to say to you. That hairpiece is something else. ↩︎

  3. I was torn as to which word to use here, and wound up creating a new one instead. I rather like it. ↩︎

Mid-Performance Marketing

Tuesday, March 31st, 2015

Since writing about Meh last year, I’ve been following the site. It’s offered the occasional good deal on something useful, incredibly slow shipping, and quite a bit of humor. They’ve also offered a VMP, or Very Mediocre Person, program. It provides free shipping, and other “perks”. Recently, they decided to reward all VMP members a pair of socks. I now present them to you, in all their mediocrity.

Mid-Performance Socks by Mediocre - Never settle for less than minimally adequate.
Mid-Performance

Machine wash in cold water with like colors. Store in a cool, dry place, like the desert at night. Conversion into puppets will void warranty. Do not give socks individual names. That's how you get emotionally attached.
50% Good

As a member of our VMP program, you're officially a Very Mediocre Person. That deserves a reward. But not too big of a reward. Free socks seems about right. So here. They're made by our friends at Foot Cardigan, like the ones they offer in their sock-of-the-month club for $11/month. But this gift isn't from them and they didn't pay us to say that. We paid for this. We deserve your thanks, not them. Just want to be clear about that. Anyway, socks! And thank you for being very mediocre.
It does indeed seem about right.

No two ways about it, Mediocre Laboratories’ messaging is on point. Lackluster, anhedonic point.

Ridiculous Products: Bad Ass Socks

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013

In this world, there are badasses. Faithful readers of this site may remember the names Nick Popovich or Hideaki Akaiwa, for instance. It seems unlikely either of those two characters would be caught dead in these socks:

Bad Ass Socks

When you’re a badass, you just don’t need to announce it to the world. The world will already know, and if not, they’ll find out soon enough.

However, boasting isn’t the biggest issue here. More problematic is the design itself. The arrow is unfortunate, particularly along with the awkward line break. Let’s look at the socks in action:

Bad Ass Socks in Action
[Photo credit: Reach The Beach Relay]

Well now, that just seems like an warning to the world: “I have a bad ass. Sorry!”.

More Tips from Roku

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

Following up on yesterday’s post, I spent some time contemplating the future tip emails Roku owners might expect.

Possible Future Tips From Roku

  • Tips from Roku: Eating food (A guide to chewing)

  • Tips from Roku: Lather, rinse, repeat, but stop eventually

  • Tips from Roku: Socks first, then shoes

  • Tips from Roku: See the world by opening your eyes

  • Tips from Roku: Fire hot!

Only time will tell just how much barrel-scrapping Roku will actually be doing.

Penguin Sweaters 

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

If you’re anything like me, you’ve often found yourself asking “What ever happened to iPod Socks?”. Well holy hell, they still sell them1. How is that even possible?

Real iPod Socks
These continue to exist

Whatever the logic or economics behind the continued existence of iPod Socks, penguins in New Zealand are no doubt grateful, as they’ve started wearing them:

Penguins in sweaters
The height of antipodean fashion

In actuality, those are custom-made sweaters, knit by hand and used to protect penguins from the effects of an oil spill. It’s so ridiculously cute, you may not be able to stand it. If you’re up for it, you can knit your own.


Footnotes:

  1. I say “still sell” rather than “still make”, because they must still be on their original production run, right? ↩︎

Pros and Cons: Vibram FiveFingers

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

I’ve done long-distance running for many years now, for exercise and fun. In the fall of 2009 I switched away from wearing traditional running shoes, instead opting to try the new Vibram FiveFingers (sometimes known as “Five Fingers” or “VFFs”), specifically the KSO model seen below.

Vibram FiveFinger KSOs

Perhaps you’ve seen some of the articles on barefoot running, or Christopher McDougall’s book Born To Run, and been intrigued by the idea. The FiveFingers are designed to match the physical experience of being barefoot, while still providing a protective sole for the bottom of your feet.

So after six months with them, how do I feel about the Vibram FiveFingers, I’m pretending you’ve asked? Allow me to answer your imaginary question, and review the Vibram FiveFingers, with a Pro/Con list. Hell, this is my site, I’m gonna do it anyway.

Pro: I’m wearing gloves, on my feet. Foot gloves!
Con: Whenever I talk about my foot gloves, people are all “What the hell are ‘foot gloves’?”.

Pro: I look like I have gorilla feet when wearing the FiveFingers.
Con: Unlike true gorilla feet, the Vibram FiveFingers do not grant me an opposable big toe.

Pro: I feel like some kind of awesome superhero when I wear the FiveFingers.
Con: While I have been running faster, a 7:30 per mile average would make me the slowest Flash ever.

Pro: Thin soles make the FiveFingers perfect for nighttime cat burglary and other skullduggery.
Con: Kleptomania is a serious problem, and these shoes are an unhealthy enabler.

Pro: Cute, fit girls want to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.
Con: Everyone else on the road wants to talk to me about my strange and interesting shoes.

Pro: I no longer need to wear socks when I run, which means ever-so-slightly less laundry.
Con: When I return from a long winter run here in Boston, it’s not possible to know if I’m still wearing the shoes or I just have hypothermia1.

Pro: Speaking of laundry, the shoes are machine-washable and can be air-dried, leaving them clean and stink-free.
Con: My all-in-one washer/dryer spins even during the wash cycle, so it always sounds like there’s an angry dwarf trapped in there.

Pro: The FiveFingers are extremely light and portable, making them easy to take when traveling.
Con: My stupid brain can no longer summon up an excuse to avoid running while traveling.

Pro: The snug, nearly-custom fit means you get to measure your feet to see what size you need. Who doesn’t like measuring their own anatomy?
Con: This also means you’ll wear a strange size, like a 41. That just sounds ridiculous!

Pro: The aforementioned nearly-custom sizing2 of the shoes means they’re unlikely to be stolen.
Con: The jealousy of people with ill-proportioned toes, or just extra toes, is an ugly thing to behold. Even uglier than their disgusting, misshapen feet.

Pro: The Vibram FiveFingers are relatively inexpensive compared to most running shoes.
Con: Nevertheless, I have effectively paid $80 to not wear shoes.

All in all, I think the Vibram FiveFingers are pretty great, and I’d definitely recommend them to other runners. You’ll need to ease into them, and at times you may be forced back into normal trainers due to weather, but once you start using the FiveFingers, you’ll find they’re great for running, hiking, and more.


Footnotes:

  1. The FiveFingers are actually just fine for me in the cold. I’ve run in single digit temperatures without a problem. However, snow and slush are more of an issue than with traditional running shoes. ↩︎

  2. My left shoe has two small tears in the upper portion. These don’t affect much, but they’re unsightly. However, my left foot is the bigger of the two, so I may have simply purchased a size too small. Next time I’ll likely try one size up. ↩︎