32 results found for “penis”

Barvd: 2014 in Review

Thursday, February 12th, 2015

Just over a year ago, the world was introduced to the Barvd emoji. Lamentably, however, there hasn’t been an official edition of Barvd since last January. Fortunately, plenty of awful was collected since then, so let’s take a look at 2014 in unpleasantness.

January

Gotta figure by this point, thousands of divorced dads have accidentally sexted their daughter
@scottsimpson

Thanks, Scott! It’s always good to kick things off with a truly horrifying thought.

February

There are lots of sounds you don't want to hear in the next stall over, but the iPhone camera shutter is pretty high up there.
@redkeg

I’m not saying you should visit RateMyPoo.com, because you shouldn’t. Hell, that’s why I didn’t even make that a link. But you should be aware that a bowel movement rating site exists, and allow that fact to color your impression of humanity.

March

Much like the Olsen twins on Full House, the role of 'weird lump on my bathroom wall' was played by 15,000 spiders
@scottsimpson

This horrifying tweet from @heidihitschildren was a runner-up in February, and helped Scott to his second appearance here in just three months.

April

My sleep-mind said 'Whatever, it's fine if the cat pukes on my back, I'll clean it up later.' Luckily I woke up enough to prevent that.
@commanda

The cat grosses me out, but the sleep-mind cracks me up.

May

Soup is a great way to eat wet meat out of a little bathtub.
@AlisonAgosti

Probably the worst thing about this is that it’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.

June

We have an intermission here, as much like in August of 2013, no one grossed me out in June of 2014. It seems like my gag reflex takes summer vacations. Ah well — moving on!

July

'My dad worked in a sub-zero meat locker. He said the worst thing about it was, farts would hang in the still air forever. Eight hours a day.
@mrgan

And now, a passage from my upcoming novel “Mumphrey’s Downfall”, set amongst the backdrop of world diplomacy and international intrigue:

  • “As soon as he said it, he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Forks and glasses clattered to the floor, and then the room fell silent. His words hung there, like a fart in the freezer.”

I am currently accepting bids from publishers.

August

'90 percent of hotel beds have bedbugs. But look at your own bed. It’s entirely made of bedbugs. Now look in the mirror. Yes. You are, too.
@Moltz

It seems 2014 was a good year for gross-out tweets about bugs.

September

'Almost forgot: @magnetbox's foot says Hi
@ems

I particularly like the way Michaela’s tweet does not transcribe this as a quote from the foot. Rather, it is a simple statement of fact.

October

I guess sushi is okay, but it makes the microwave smell terrible and by the time the fish is cooked through, the rice is overdone.
@mccreath

Sushi does not work that way!

November

Old man at urinal. Both hands on hips. Possibly prehensile penis.
@biorhythmist

Just re-reading this, I had a visceral gag. Awful, Matt, just awful.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@Clarko@Clarko@Clarko

Please allow my earlier comment, as well as @antichrista’s, to serve as a reply:

Jesus, Dude

Damn straight. Insta-Barvd of the year, is more like it. Thanks a lot, Clarko. Jesus Crist.

Closing Time

Sometimes, I stop and take stock of things. “Self,” I’ll ask, in these moments of introspection, “are you really spending time compiling all the gross things people put out there on social media?”. Yes. Yes, I am, so if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Until next time!

Help, I’m Trapped in a Blog Post Factory

Thursday, August 7th, 2014

You might have thought that wearable technology had reached its nadir with the dog pedometer of 2012. However, just two years later, we’ve hit a new low. Allow me to introduce you to Bondara’s “SexFit”:

The SexFit
Colors Pictured: Black & Pink. Colours [sic] Available: White & Pink.

Yes, gentleman, it’s a fitness tracker for your penis. It’s also a cock ring1 that’s equipped with Bluetooth and wifi. Why have just one type of radio wave transmitted all over your genitals when you can instead have two? In addition to stimulating a better erection, the SexFit will track you performance during sex, and provide feedback with an accompanying app:

The SexFit App

This is certainly something the world needs. After all, who doesn’t want to receive a letter grade after sex? And if you want to improve your performance, there’s no need to pull an all-nighter cramming. Just bone up with the “personal trainer vibration mode”, fellas.

It’s difficult to fathom how one might tactfully bring this into the bedroom. Women may be able to go “freshen up” but how exactly does a guy explain that he needs a moment to attach a flashing sex tracker to his penis? That’s not exactly “slipping into something more comfortable”. Lest you think that’s the most awkward part of the SexBit, however, be sure not to miss this note from their press release:

Much like other similar fitness tracker innovations, the SexFit allows the most dedicated users to share and compare their favourite [sic] sessions and impressive individual milestones with their peers on social media.

Hot damn, that’s classy!

My favorite part of all this may actually be relatively unrelated to the product itself. Have a look at the end of the URL slug on the Engadget post where I first saw this:

http://www.engadget.com/2014/08/07/bondara-sexfit-i-used-to-be-a-serious-journalist/

It may be a joke, or it may actually be a cry for help. Either way, one can’t help but feel a little sad for writer Daniel Cooper, who is no doubt wondering how it all led to this. Fortunately, covering this sort of absurdity is pretty much One Foot Tsunami’s raison d’être, so I don’t have to feel bad about it.


Footnotes:

  1. Despite diligent research, I was unable to find a less crass term for that. Sorry, Mom. ↩︎

I Can’t Wait To See This One On Law & Order 

Thursday, July 10th, 2014

A 17-year-old teenager in Virginia is in trouble with the law, after he sent his 15-year-old girlfriend a video of his penis. Naturally, authorities have obtained a warrant to photograph the defendant’s penis. What? Why should that be a problem? It’s not as though America has a constitutional amendment prohibiting unreasonable searches and seizures.

What’s that? Oh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see. Ok, thank you.

I’m sorry, folks. I’m being told we do have a Constitutional amendment prohibiting unreasonable searches and seizures. Strange.

Well, just in case you’re keeping score, here’s how things currently stand:

Illegal

  • Exchanging sexual images to an apparently-willing partner1, if you’re both under 18. This is a felony for “manufacturing and distributing child pornography”.

Legal

  • Forcing a minor to get an erection, then photographing it. This is apparently not an unreasonable search, nor “manufacturing child pornography”.

I don’t have detailed knowledge of the facts here.2 However, even a cursory glance seems to show excessive charges and potential penalties, along with a proposed police procedure that appears at the least to be both invasive and unreasonable.


Update (July 11th, 2014): It appears the police have backed down, following global outcry.


Footnotes:

  1. According to reports, this began when the 15-year-old girl sent photos of herself to the defendant, and the girl’s mother filed the complaint, not the girl herself. ↩︎

  2. I do note that the 15-year-old girl has not been charged in any way. It’s not clear whether this is due to her age, her gender, or some other factor. ↩︎

Unabashed 

Tuesday, June 17th, 2014

Noted-crack-smoker-slash-D.C.-politician Marion Barry has a new “tell-enough” memoir, and the Washington Post has published a review. Amusingly, according to Barry, cocaine works much like cake and my thighs. There is, however, one key difference.

The cocaine was a powerful stimulant that went straight to my penis.

That’s probably more than most people need to know. According to the Post, there seems to be little contrition on offer throughout the book. Then again, given Barry’s track record of getting elected after many of his transgressions, perhaps none is needed.

I Like My Highways Like I Like My Coffee…Covered in Bees 

Friday, May 23rd, 2014

As if you needed another reason not to go to Delaware, 16 to 20 million bees were recently set loose, after the truck carrying their hives crashed. Surprisingly enough, officials were fully prepared for this eventuality.

[Police Sergeant] Shavack said the response to the bee release was not impromptu because state police had a “what-if” plan ready to activate.

The “bee swarm removal procedure” included a list of experts to contact, he added.

“We got a hold of one of those bee providers and he came right out,” he said. “He called for additional resources.”

It was literally someone’s job to say “Call in the beekeepers!” and that is amazing.

Previously in Bees: More Stings to the Penis, Please as well as Nicholas Cage’s A Man for All Seasons

Call in an Expert 

Monday, April 28th, 2014

A couple of weeks ago, rapper Andre Johnson was in the news for the worst of reasons: he reportedly cut off his own penis, then jumped off a building in an apparent suicide attempt. That’s truly awful, but perhaps predictably, Fox News managed to make it worse. Here’s the headline:

John Wayne Bobbitt weighs in on rapper Andre Johnson’s reported penis reattachment failure
“A cut-off penis?! Where’s the Bobbittphone? We need John immediately!”

I can just imagine that editorial meeting.

More Stings to the Penis, Please 

Monday, April 7th, 2014

Cornell graduate student Michael Smith recently published a paper based on self-experimentation he’d performed. His paper includes this note:

“Cornell University’s Human Research Protection Program does not have a policy regarding researcher self-experimentation, so this research was not subject to review from their offices. The methods do not conflict with the Helsinki Declaration of 1975, revised in 1983. The author was the only person stung, was aware of all associated risks therein, gave his consent, and is aware that these results will be made public.”

So, what exactly was Smith testing on himself? He was working to determine where on the body is the most painful place to be stung by a bee. He caused bees to sting him over and over again, then rated the pain. If it sounds hellish, well, that’s the life of a grad student. To really get a sense of the torture, here’s a map of locations where stings were administered:

Sting locations

Men may be surprised to learn that a sting on the penis is not nearly the most painful you can suffer. According to Smith:

“It’s painful, and there’s definitely no crossing of wires of pleasure and pain down there,” he says. “But if you’re stung in the nose and penis, you’re going to want more stings to the penis over the nose, if you’re forced to choose.”

Ouch all over.

Phallus-Obsessed Bushwacker Strikes Again 

Monday, December 2nd, 2013

It’s the “again” in this story that really kills me.

Don’t Walk, Asshole 

Thursday, April 11th, 2013

A prankster has struck in the Boston area, targeting pedestrian crosswalk signals in comical fashion. I’ve always been a fan of juvenile cleverness, so how could I not link to this?

A modified Don't Walk sign
[Photo credit: @oi_not_again]

“I definitely laughed a lot when I first saw it. It’s probably not the classiest thing, especially with students being around, but I did think it was funny,” said Emily McCory, a Boston University student.

Ms. McCory pretty much nailed it.

Today In Bizarre Foreign Cultures: Penis Snatching 

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

If you’ve been around this ol’ Internet, you’ve likely already heard of the Korean belief in fan death. Now, a story in the same vein of crazy is popping up around Africa: supposed penis snatching. No need to be squeamish, as there’s nothing graphic here, just mysticism.

If nothing else, be sure to look at the (utterly safe for work) conceptual illustration which accompanies the article.