As a young lad in the ’90s, I consumed soft drinks which now seem quite vile to me. I suppose that even at the time, I knew they were gross. Have you ever really looked at Mountain Dew?
As slightly vulgar teenage boys, we called it “dragon piss”. I imagine you can see why.
That does not seem like something humans should consume. In fact, it looks more like the radioactive ooze which might transform your average sewer turtle into a humanoid ninja. In reality, though, it just transforms your pearly whites into decayed teeth.
While Mountain Dew was cooler than stalwarts like Coke or Pepsi, for my money, the most iconic soda of the ’80s and ’90s was Jolt Cola.
[Photo credit: xxxxxCanManxxxxx at The Can Museum]
That branding was fantastic, but it’s almost hard to believe it was a real product. You could be forgiven for thinking it was a Hollywood creation, especially given its star turn in Jurassic Park, where it was the beverage of choice for duplicitous programmer Dennis Nedry:
Jolt was a real product, however, and they let kids buy it. Somewhat ridiculously, the packaging boasted of having “all the sugar and twice the caffeine”. More than a standard cola, Jolt was an energy drink before a market for such things even existed. We loved it.
Excessive caffeine ingestion led my idiot friends and me to come up with a song to perform as we imbibed our sickening sodas. The lyrics were mostly based on the slogans found on Jolt’s can, with a nod to Mountain Dew’s nickname as well. I suspect we may have created and sung this nonsense on just a single afternoon. Nevertheless, it was etched into my brain then, and there it has remained for nearly 30 years. Now, I am compelled to present it to you. Please note that a proper performance requires at least two vocalists:
Background chant: Jolt…Jolt…Dragon piss and Jolt
🎶 Twice the caffeeeeeine /
A real sugar high /
Pop-U-Lating the wooooorld /
It’ll take you to the sky.🎶
I mention all of this for two reasons. First, it bubbled up1 in my mind when I learned that Jolt is coming back in 2025. This time around, it will be a full-on energy drink aimed at adults, competing with Red Bull and Monster. While the company no doubt hopes to gain some sales due to nostalgia, I confess it holds zero appeal to me.
But second and more importantly, I’m writing about this in the hopes of solving a decades-old mystery, one which confounds me to this day. What in the name of hepped-up marketing drivel is “PopUlating the world” actually supposed to mean? If anyone can provide an answer, I’ll be deeply grateful.
Update (January 6, 2025): We didn’t really solve it, but some better alternatives were proposed.
Footnotes:
Pun acknowledged. ↩︎
