One Foot Tsunami: First 9-9-9, Then 9-1-1

Previous “Best Of” posts

First 9-9-9, Then 9-1-1

And after that, a personal injury attorney.

Wednesday, March 25th, 2026

Today is opening day for the 2026 MLB season, so let’s talk baseball. Actually, let’s talk food and drink at the ballgame, and the 9-9-9 challenge. This feat requires you to consume 9 hot dogs and slug back 9 beers within the 9 innings of a baseball game. It sounds both awful and incredibly expensive, so naturally, it’s quite popular.

The earliest reference to the challenge that I’ve found is a site called 999AllStar.com, which is sadly no longer online. Fortunately for us all, the invaluable Internet Archive has captures of the site back to 2004. They provide a delightful look into the past, and the site’s Rules page is particularly noteworthy. It contained a thematically appropriate nine rules, including:

Rule #2: You must have a designated driver to attempt the…Challenge.

Rule #4: One beer must equal a minimum of 12oz.

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT ARAMARK’S 9-9-9 CHALLENGE

Do they serve you all the dogs and beers at once?

It sure seems like it, so I hope you’re ready to enjoy some cold dogs and warm beers after about inning number four.
What’s the total calorie count on this package?

Even if “mini” means half-sized, that might be 1000-1500 calories for the hot dogs. Add in another 500-1000 calories for the beers.
Do they stop selling it after the first inning?

Probably not. So just how close to the end of the game do you think you can buy nine beers at once?
Do you get to select your beer?

Also probably not, though surprisingly, Coors Field does sell many non-Coors beers. That even includes arch-rival Budweiser.
Can you at least select a non-alcoholic beer?

Hey, teetotalers deserve the chance to overdose on sodium and nitrates too.
Do you get to keep the glasses?

I imagine you do. I cannot imagine what the hell a person does with nine miniature beer glasses branded with the logo of a single baseball team, adorable though they may be.
Just how much does this all cost?

Whatever it is, it’s too much.

Given the newly commercial nature of the 9-9-9 challenge, the folks behind the defunct 999AllStar.com really ought to consider making it refunct.² I doubt they sold much merchandise back in the day, but in 2026, they could clean up. Who wouldn’t want to wear this lovely t-shirt?

A shirt that details the challenge
Or, ya know, one with a better design.

You can take a gander at their old Merch page, but because it was 2004 and bandwidth hadn’t been invented yet, the images on it are hilariously small. If you squint, you may be able to make out the other items they had for sale, which included a baseball hat, a BBQ apron, and a baby bib. More than two decades on, I can still recognize the stink of CafePress. I’m shocked they weren’t selling thongs, too.

Anyhow, as a grassroots stunt invented by fans, the 9-9-9 challenge was good-if-inadvisable fun. I’m quite surprised to see a business getting in on it, however, even a business that makes its money selling food and drinks. They may have shrunk the portions, but it’s still some very excessive consumption.

Given MLB’s successful efforts to speed up the game, it seems particularly unwise to encourage fans to down nine beers, “flight-sized” though they may be. Unlike 999AllStar.com, Aramark has no rule requiring a designated driver. I punched some fuzzy numbers into several different BAC calculators, and they all showed that most people who complete this challenge would still be over America’s .08% legal limit to drive at the end of an average length game. But hey, maybe those tiny hot dog buns will soak up some of that alcohol.³

I’m calling it now. In a year or three, I’ll be here reporting on a wrongful death lawsuit against Aramark. When that time comes, the only surprise will be whether it relates to drunk driving, choking, or a heart attack.

Update (March 26, 2026): Then again, maybe it’ll be a class action lawsuit for deceptive advertising.

Footnotes:

In addition to Citizens Bank Park (Phillies):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

you’ll find Aramark’s 9-9-9 challenge package at Citi Field (Mets):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

Coors Field (Rockies):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

Daikin Park (Astros):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

Kauffman Stadium (Royals):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

and Oracle Park (Giants):

[Photo credit: Aramark]

These promotional images were edited down from massive 30+ meg files which Aramark provided via Dropbox. I am delighted to think about someone staging this little tableau for a team, replete with a napkin of the proper color, then resetting the entire arrangement five more times. The least I could do was to include all six delightful images here.

I’m afraid I must issue two demerits, however, because the Mets and the Astros images contain 10 beers, rather than 9. MLB’s social media post for this even notably excludes those two clubs. ↩︎
A hat tip to my friends Todd R. and Rich W., who played bass and drums respectively in the late-aughts Cambridge band “Refunct” that inspired this dumb joke. Click here to stream a track. ↩︎
Because my high school driver’s ed class needed to fulfill the “health” portion of the state-mandated curriculum, it contained a fair amount of information about alcohol. The intent was to discourage drunk driving, which is laudable. Still, our teacher Mr. Wilkinson was fully aware that many students were going to imbibe, so he shared the sage recommendation to avoid doing so on an empty stomach. His counsel was along the lines of “Eat some bread to slow things down”. It’s not the worst advice. ↩︎

A List of Chain Restaurants Whose Names Contain Unusual Structures

Obviously, words like “restaurant” or “grill” do not qualify as unusual.

Wednesday, March 18th, 2026

A list of chain restaurants whose names contain unusual structures, presented in decreasing order of how appealing it would be to eat in such a structure:

Castle (as in White Castle): A meal fit for a king! Apparently, “Fit for a king” was actually the slogan of Royal Castle, a White Castle knock-off that has been almost defunct for decades.
Villa (as in Taco Villa): A villa isn’t quite a castle, but it’s still a very fancy place to eat.
House (as in Waffle House and International House of Pancakes): Two different breakfast chains using “house” in their name is strange, but eating in a house is certainly normal enough.
Roadhouse (as in Texas Roadhouse): A roadhouse has always been a place where you could eat a meal, so this is fine too. I’m quite tickled at the idea of asking for a room for the night at Texas Roadhouse though.
Cabana (as in Taco Cabana): If I’m in a cabana, I think I’d prefer a tropical beverage over a meal, but it’ll do.
Hut (as in Pizza Hut): A hut is basically just a cabana that’s not near the beach. It’s not a particular appealing place to eat a meal, even if it’s a Classic.
Shack (as in Shake Shack and Harold’s Chicken Shack): To me, a shack seems worse than a hut. It just sounds dirtier.
Factory (as in Cheesecake Factory and The Old Spaghetti Factory): Unless it’s cranking out computer chips, a factory is liable to be grimy and unclean. Must it really be old, too?
Warehouse (as in Spaghetti Warehouse): Two different spaghetti-focused chains with weird buildings in their names! This was initially my pick for least appetizing place to eat, but I found worse.
Corral (as in Golden Corral): Don’t eat the cow pies.
Pit (as in Pita Pit and Buca di Beppo, which translates to “Beppo’s Pit”): A pit is pretty much just a hole in the ground, with some bracing that qualifies it as a structure. Surely this is the worst place to sit down for a meal.

It’ll Still Be Two Days ’Til I Say I’m Sorry

Actually, I’m not going to apologize at all. This dumb joke makes me laugh and laugh.

Thursday, January 1st, 2026

Last month, I found myself making a purchase from Groupon. I know, I was as surprised as anyone that the company even still existed. Seeking out a discounted version of Microsoft Office led me to that relic of the past, where a possibly trustworthy third-party named “2Go Software” was selling seemingly legitimate software licenses for Office. I successfully purchased, got the software set up, and went on my way.

Seven days later, 2Go sent me what is without a doubt the worst Barenaked Ladies cover I have ever received via email:

A message reading “Hi Paul K, It's been one week since you received your Microsoft Office 2024 Home & Business (Mac) license. We wanted to check in and make sure you've been able to install and activate your software successfully.”

I encourage you to attempt singing this yourself.

Naming the Random Street Near the Dumpsters

I’ll gladly sign any petition to make Maranville Street official.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2025

While perusing my local subreddit recently, I read about a delightful monkeyshine perpetrated by user u/AggravatingSmoke1829, whose real name looks to be Brendan. While I can’t vouch for the authenticity of Brendan’s story, I can say that I dearly hope it’s true:

During the COVID lockdown…I noticed a small, unnamed street next to the Hancock Village townhome complex near where I live, and since Google Maps lets you suggest edits, I thought it would be funny to send one for this random street near the dumpsters. I named it Maranville Street after one of my favorite old-timey baseball players, who has an epic name, Rabbit Maranville, and sent the edit without thinking much of it.

I was surprised to get an e-mail two days later from Google saying my edit was approved, and sure enough, Maranville Street was now on the map (it still is).

Not only did Google Maps accept this edit, it was eventually picked up Boston’s bus system. The MBTA’s 51 bus now has stops both at Maranville and opposite it. A year later, Brandon was quite shocked, and no doubt also amused, when he heard this stop announced as he rode the bus.

At present, it is still possible to find Maranville Street on Google Maps. I fear it may disappear sometime soon, so I will immortalize it here:

Maranville Street, on Google Maps

Over on Apple Maps, there is currently no Maranville Street to be found in Boston. I’m honestly not sure if that says good or bad things about the service. I can say that a search for “Maranville Street, Boston, MA” repeatedly returned a useless result in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, some 650 miles away:

A useless Maranville Trail in North Carolina, on Apple Maps

So, uh, keep up the work there, Apple Maps. Keep up the work.

Using the “Report Something Missing” option, I’m doing my part to make Maranville Street stick back up in Boston:

A report to Apple Map, in an attempt to get them to add Maranville Street, citing Google Maps and the MBTA as sources
🤞 Fingers crossed!

To close, here’s a snippet of Baseball Hall-of-Famer Rabbit Maranville’s Wikipedia page:

Maranville was known as one of “baseball’s most famous clowns” due to his practical jokes and lack of inhibitions. He used to don a pair of glasses to make fun of umpires and mimic the actions of hitters or pitchers who took an especially long time to get ready. Other stunts he pulled included throwing firecrackers, stepping out on hotel ledges, and swallowing goldfish. On a road trip to New York, Maranville had teammate Jack Scott cry “Stop, thief!” as Scott chased him through Times Square. Another time, his concerned teammates broke into his hotel room after hearing screams, breaking glass, and gunshots emanating from within, as well as Maranville groaning, “Eddie, you’re killing me!” An unharmed Maranville and two friends greeted the players like nothing was wrong as they wandered out of the room

It’s clear that “Maranville” is a very fitting choice for this bit of guerrilla street naming. Those are some mighty fine shenanigans, there, Brandon, and I salute you.

Getting Creative With PaintGems

I found a way.

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2025

Recently, I found myself desiring a new way to relieve a bit of stress. I wound up purchasing a kit from PaintGem, whose FAQ describes their product thusly:

Gem painting is a new type of craft where stunning artworks are created with colorful tiny gems. The process of picking up the gems and placing them onto the canvas is easy, relaxing and is perfect for stress relief!

It’s essentially paint-by-numbers, but with tiny plastic beads. When I phrase it that way, I realize it’s probably murder on the environment in miniature, and I’m sorry about that. I purchased a kit that included replicas of masterpieces from Van Gogh, Klimt, Da Vinci, and more. As I was checking out, this note on their site caught my eye:

An image reading “Relax through creativity”

I define the word “creative” about the same way Merriam-Webster does: “having the quality of something created rather than imitated : IMAGINATIVE”. Recreating famous artworks via bedazzling by numbers is imitative at two distinct levels, and seems the antithesis of imaginative. I did not expect to express my creativity, but that was fine, because I have a mildly popular humor blog for that.

When my kit came, I quickly got started on what seemed the simplest piece, a tiny reproduction of Mondrian’s “Composition” paintings. The piece’s large rectangles and plain swaths of colors were easy, and it was as relaxing as I’d hoped. The meditative nature of the activity appealed to me, giving me a chance to slow down and focus on something right in front of me.

In the background, however, my brain was apparently still churning on that word “creativity”. When I had nearly completed the piece, I stopped. A terrible, terrible, terribly funny idea had struck me, but I wasn’t sure if I could bring myself to go through with it. I paused my work and vacillated for a full day. Ultimately, however, I worked up the courage to press forward.

I’m glad I did, because my finished piece is already sparking tremendous buzz. Critics have said “[I]t might make people uncomfortable”, “This is the WORST!”, and “I’m impressed AND I hate it”. One person asked “How can you live with yourself?!?”.

Without further ado, allow me to present my completely original work entitled “A Fly in the Ointment”:

A Mondrian-inspired design consisting of black borders surrounding white, blue, red, and yellow rectangles. However, one yellow rectangle has a single errant dot of blue, like a fly in the ointment.

Choke on my originality, Mondrian, as well as every person whose eye twitches when they see this. I’m not sorry. Great artists never apologize, maybe.

OK, I’m a little sorry.

The iPhone Mankini

Among its many faults, this product is too Borat-adjacent.

Wednesday, November 12th, 2025

Yesterday, Apple unveiled what seems unlikely to be their newest hit product, the iPhone Pocket. Produced in collaboration with the Issey Miyake design studio, this goofy accessory features “a singular 3D-knitted construction designed to fit any iPhone”. It will also hold “all pocketable items”, I suppose in the same way that a bag will hold all baggable items.

Here’s a look at the iPhone Pocket in action:

The iPhone Pocket in use

And here is just part of the pretentious press release for this silliness:

Born from the idea of creating an additional pocket, its understated design fully encloses iPhone, expanding to fit more of a user’s everyday items. When stretched, the open textile subtly reveals its contents and allows users to peek at their iPhone display. iPhone Pocket can be worn in a variety of ways — handheld, tied onto bags, or worn directly on the body.

…

The design drew inspiration from the concept of “a piece of cloth” and reinterpreted the everyday utility of the brand’s iconic pleated clothing.

Upon seeing this, long-term Apple nerds will undoubtedly be reminded of iPod Socks. That goofy fabric-based product was at least affordable, however, with a package of 6 different colors running $29. A single iPhone Pocket, meanwhile, costs an eye-watering $150, and you’ll need to select just one color:

The iPhone Pocket color options
The iPhone Pocket in Lemon, Mandarin, Purple, Pink, Peacock, Sapphire, Cinnamon, and Black.

The iPhone Pocket has a longer size which runs an even more egregious $230. You should note that it’s only available in the more staid sapphire, cinnamon, and black colors. I’ve got a pretty good idea why the long strap design has no lemon version:

The iPhone Pocket is a bit too Borat-adjacent for me
I’m sorry, but also, this is Apple’s fault.

This has been dubbed a “limited release”, so if for some reason you’re interested in the iPhone Mankini, act fast. Also, please write in and tell me why.

Tahoe’s Terrible Icons

MacOS 26’s new icons are a step backwards.

Wednesday, November 5th, 2025

On the new MacOS 26 (Tahoe), Apple has mandated that all application icons fit into their prescribed squircle. No longer can icons have distinct shapes, nor even any fun frame-breaking accessories. Should an icon be so foolish as to try to have a bit of personality, it will find itself stuffed into a dingy gray icon jail.

The left side of the example below shows the old icon for Audio Hijack as it used to appear, while the right shows it rotting away in a Tahoe prison cell:

Audio Hijack’s old icon, in standard view and in icon jail

While Apple had previously urged developers to use squircle icons on our apps, they’ve now taken things much further to ensure compliance. It’s a shame.

Apple updated their own app icons on Tahoe, for both the squircle shape as well as the new “Liquid Glass” interface. Mostly, these icons seem dumbed-down, with a loss of detail. For example, here’s Safari’s old icon from MacOS 15 (Sequoia) on the left, and the new Tahoe icon on the right:

Safari’s icons, old and new

To me, the new icon just feels blander, and that’s widely true for all of the updated icons. A small number, such as Screen Sharing and Audio MIDI Setup, may be improvements. Most, however, are not. Let’s review with direct comparisons, all of which again feature the older Sequoia icon on the left and the new Tahoe icon on the right.

There are a few lateral moves:

Image Playground

Image Playground’s icons old and new

Image Playground is Apple’s AI image generation app, though its new icon doesn’t really convey that. At least they got rid of that awful catdog.

Photo Booth

Photo Booth’s icons old and new

I like the new concept for Photo Booth’s icon, but the execution is lifeless.

Mission Control

Mission Control’s icons old and new

Meanwhile, Mission Control’s functionality is a difficult concept to convey. I liked the old color indicators, but the new version at least includes the window control buttons.

Unfortunately, however, there are many new icons which are distinct downgrades.

Automator

Automator’s icons old and new

Apple’s scripting application previously featured an awesome little robot dude. On Tahoe, it’s barely clear that’s a robot at all. What a pity.

Calendar

I remember that 30 days hath November, April, June, and September. And I thought all the rest had 31, except February, which has 28, except in a leap year when it has 29. Which month is it that has only 24 days?

Chess

Chess’s icons old and new

This is just really bad. The board has been zoomed-in to the point of meaninglessness, while the glass knight looks fuzzy and amateurish.

Contacts

Contact’s icons old and new

The left-side tabs on the old Contacts icon were odd, but this new icon is even odder. Is the cover of that book made of glass?

Font Book

Font Book’s icons old and new

Hey, look, it’s Contacts, but far worse! This no longer looks like a book at all. It’s just a gray “a” blob.

Disk Utility

Disk Utility’s icons old and new

Several of Apple’s new icons for utilities feature the dumb wrench seen on the right, but this is one of the worst. In this case, the Apple hexagon the wrench is adjusting utterly fails to convey “disk”.

Migration Assistant

Migration Assistant’s icons old and new

Hey, speaking of icons that are now utterly devoid of meaning.

DVD Player

DVD Player’s icons old and new

I am both amused and aghast that Apple spent time updating this moribund application. For reference, it’s been over nine years since Apple last sold a Mac with an internal optical drive.

Image Capture

Image Capture’s icons old and new

The old Image Capture icon was no great shakes, but the arrow on the new one really threw me off. I honestly thought the new icon had not fully loaded.

Preview

Preview’s icons old and new

Look at the beautiful photorealistic glass on the loupe in the old Preview icon. They sucked the soul out of it, and ironically, the new Liquid Glass version barely looks like a loupe at all.

Stickies

Stickies’s icons old and new

The previous Stickies icon looked perfectly like a pad of sticky notes. The new icon looks like strange glowing glass sheets, hovering in the air.

TextEdit

TextEdit’s icons old and new

This change is simply awful. In isolation, the new icon is barely recognizable for what it’s attempting to be.

Digital Color Meter

Digital Color Meter’s icons old and new

This, however, is my pick for the single worst change. The new icon looks like art from a kindergarten classroom, and this app is not a kid’s toy.

Closing

Overall, Tahoe has been a solid update for me, particularly with the recent 26.1 release. These icons, however, make me sad. Perhaps one day, it will again be possible for icons to have shape and personality. We have the technology.

Grass Does Not Have Nipples

Perhaps Organic Valley should improve their packaging.

Monday, August 18th, 2025

Recently, a little birdie tipped me off to the following post from a local Boston “Buy Nothing” group:

A message asking “Does anybody want these 2 1/2 gallons of grass milk? It came with my groceries by accident. I guess I have no idea what it is but I don't wanna just throw them out if anybody wants them just let me know.”

It was immediately obvious to me that this poster was confused as to what exactly this product was. The item pictured is dairy milk from fancy-ass cows who only eat grass, and it’s a premium product. I am confident that this person instead believed they had “milk” which had somehow been made, or possibly expressed, from grass. I can only imagine what would have happened had they instead received errant pea milk.

The Buy Nothing Project’s About page states “We exist to build resilient communities where our true wealth is the connections forged between neighbors”. With that benevolence as a guiding light, surely another group member educated the poster about exactly what they had, right?

Swing and a miss! No one corrected the misapprehension, but two people were happy to exploit this person’s ignorance. So much for forging a connection between neighbors.

Insignificant Figures

I don’t even really trust the “470 feet” part of it, but I’m willing to accept it.

Monday, August 11th, 2025

Since 2015, Major League Baseball has used a system called Statcast to collect data about the game, measuring things like the speed of pitches or the launch angle for hits. One of Statcast’s most popular features is “projected HR distance”, which purports to tell just how far away a home run would have landed if not for obstructions such as fans and back walls. These stats don’t have any impact on the game, but they do give commentators and fans more to talk about.

During the recent 2025 Home Run Derby, however, Statcast went a bit too far. In the first round of the contest, Brent Rooker and Cal Raleigh were tied with 17 home runs hit, meaning the distance of their longest home run would be used to determine which man would advance. However, each of their longest dingers had been measured at 470 feet, seemingly another tie. The announcers asked if Statcast could provide more precise distances. Shortly after, Raleigh was awarded the tiebreaker, with his 470.6 foot home run besting Rooker’s 470.5 footer.

You might be thinking “Can this system accurately estimate a 1/10 of a foot difference?”, and you would be right to be skeptical. That’s 1.2 inches or just over 3 centimeters, and it’s difficult to believe it could actually be that precise. But don’t worry, it got much worse.

A bit later, the following on-screen graphic was shown:

A Statcast measurement with 10 decimal places of precision
[Photo credit: @matttomic]

That table reads:

Brent Rooker: 470.5351740593
Cal Raleigh: 470.6171452141

You may remember significant figures from a high school science class. They’re used to describe the precision of a numerical result, with more decimal places indicating more precision. The basic idea is that because your measuring tools aren’t infinitely precise, you don’t report digits you can’t trust.

Someone at Statcast might need a refresher. While the above graphic lacks units, it’s talking about feet. That means they’ve provided a measurement down to ten-billionths of a foot. That’s smaller than the width of a single hydrogen atom, and it’s very, very dumb.

A Voice for Boston Radio

Boogie-Woogie-Woogie!

Friday, July 25th, 2025

While listening to the radio broadcast of a recent Red Sox game, I heard a tremendous advertisement. Though I’ve provided a transcript as a footnote¹, I urge you to take the 60 seconds needed to listen to the following recording:

I love so much about this, including, but not limited to:

Shouting the name “Kuhlman!” to kick it off
This is how I enter rooms from now on, just kicking open the door and yelling “Paul!”.
Ganking “It’s electric!” from the “Electric Slide” song
That song is apparently actually named “Electric Boogie”, as I most certainly did not know.
That voice
This announcer is most definitely not going for a “neutral” accent. He’s from Boston, kehd, and he’s not gonna letchu forget it.

Immediately after hearing this ad, I went digging for it online, and I was delighted to find it on Donnie White’s voices.com page. Donnie’s bio notes “I have a Boston accent…I am very energetic.” Yes. Accurate.
Colonel Klink as a cultural touchstone
Upon hearing this, I was probably 95% sure this was a character on a rather ancient sitcom. I was maybe 75% sure that show was “Hogan’s Heroes”. And I was about 50% sure that “Hogan’s Heroes” was about American soldiers in World War II POW camp. I thus was half-certain that Colonel Klink was a Nazi.

A bit of research proved all of that was correct, while also revealing that the show went off the air more than half a century ago.² Surely there’s a German reference that’s both more au courant and less problematic. “It’s German – like bratwurst!”?
The funeral home
As I listened live, I couldn’t believe that the ad didn’t change course after the words “funeral home”. Instead they doubled down on the joke, with a gag that I saw coming, yet still burst out laughing as it did. Bravo.

I don’t know anything about Kuhlman’s service, but their ad is fantastic. I sincerely hope they don’t cease and desist this loving fan page for their commercial.

Meanwhile, if you want more of the outstanding work of Donnie White, the aforelinked Voices.com page has you covered. It’ll give you a great idea(r) of his range.