Coors Marketing’s Home Run

I suppose any baseball fan can appreciate this, not just fans of the regrettable Angels.

Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Last month, baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani cranked a long fly ball in the first inning of a game against the Mets. Though the shot missed being a home run by a few feet, it did break part of a screen at Citi Field.1 In the words of Mitch Hedberg, that’s way more satisfying.2 As you can see below, the screen in question was displaying a beer ad at the time:

A broken screen in a baseball stadium, with a large black square in place of part of the image.Note the large black square above the “C” on the right can.

Shortly after, the savvy marketing team for Coors put up what may have been nothing more than a gag tweet:

A tweet showing a Coors Light can with a blacked out corner and the slogan “Hits the spot.”, as well as the text “Looks like we got a new can design thanks to the best player in baseball. Thoughts?”

The joke went viral, rapidly getting over a million views. Whether it was the plan all along or not, the company then brought the can to life. Somehow finding a way to offer an even worse deal than you get on a brew at a ballgame, Coors provided fans the chance to pay $17 to purchase an empty beer can:

A rendering of the can, stating “Do not open. Does not contain beer. Not for consumption.”

Despite the price, people did just that, so much so that the commemorative item is completely sold out. Sorry, folks who sit in the three-way intersection of the Venn diagram of Coors Light fans, Angels fans, and people who are bad with money:

A rendering of the can, stating “Do not open. Does not contain beer. Not for consumption.”

If you simply must have this can, perhaps you can eventually find one on eBay. Alternately, you might consider just buying yourself a regular six-pack of Coors Light and a black Sharpie.

Footnotes:

  1. The video tied to this tweet is archived here. ↩︎

  2. This joke is also archived. ↩︎

Please Allow Me to Stop Crushing It

There’s a limit on how much crushing is reasonable in one day.

Thursday, September 21st, 2023

Recently, I had an exceedingly active morning. It started with an early tennis match, which was followed by a very long run. Shortly before noon that same day, my Apple Watch hit me with this coaching message:

Apple Watch message that says ‘Off to a great start. Keep crushing it, Paul. Your Move and Exercise rings are way ahead for this time of day.’

The phrase “Off to a great start” carries with an implication that one should keep doing the same thing. For my part, however, I was done with physical exertion for the day. Here were my daily stats at that exact time:

Apple Watch showing 1806 calories burned and 170 minutes of exercise

So hey, you can go straight to hell, Watch. I will not “keep crushing it”. I will, in fact, eat a bag of potato chips and take a nap. How about “You’ve crushed it! Take a well-earned rest.”? It’s just never enough for this dumb watch.

Listen, I know I could turn this stuff off (Watch app > Activity > “Daily Coaching”), but there are two good reasons to keep it on. Number one, I do want to get reminders if I might miss my daily goals. Even more importantly, number two, it’s very nice to have a safe outlet for all of my righteous anger.

Asteroid Moving Strangely ∞

How would YOU react if a spacecraft deliberately smashed into you?

Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Last year, NASA deliberately crashed a spacecraft into an asteroid. It was a good thing.

Nearly a year has passed since NASA deliberately crashed a $300 million spacecraft into an asteroid. In a first-of-its-kind feat, the agency’s Double Asteroid Redirection Test (DART) craft slammed into the space rock Dimorphos at 14,000 miles per hour on September 26, 2022. Dimorphos orbits another asteroid called Didymos, and while neither object posed a threat to Earth, the feat showed the world that NASA could nudge an asteroid and alter its trajectory—an action that might come in handy if a planetary defense scenario were to materialize in the future.

The test was a success, and potentially means we won’t need to send Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, or any oil drillers into space to save the planet in the future. However, following last year’s impact, a high school class in California has discovered that the asteroid’s orbit around Didymos has degraded more than initially expected. In short, Dimorphos is acting strangely.

I can relate, Dimorphos. I can relate.

The Email of Three Lies

“That’s not a twist-off…”

Tuesday, September 19th, 2023

Harvard University sits in the middle of Cambridge, just across the river from Boston. One of the most well-known landmarks on campus is this sculpture of John Harvard:

The “John Harvard” statue[Photo credit: dog97209]

Except, well, it isn’t a sculpture of John Harvard at all. It’s often referred to as the “statue of three lies” because:

  • 1. It’s not a representation of John Harvard.

  • 2. It lists John Harvard as “Founder”, though he was not.

  • 3. It lists the school’s founding as 1638, rather than the correct 1636.

The reason for the first lie is that no one knows what John Harvard looked like. As for the other two fallacies, I’ve no idea why they’ve remained for nearly a century and a half. At least it makes for good tour guide fodder.

I was reminded of this goofy statue thanks to the following email from CVS:

An email from CVS stating “The updated COVID-19 vaccine is here! Oh, and it’s free.”

Somewhat coincidentally, the email arrived shortly before a vaccine appointment I had already scheduled at a nearby CVS location. Though I was a bit concerned about that asterisk on the word “free”, I figured I’d give it a go. Just a few minutes after receiving this email, I biked over to CVS and checked in at the pharmacy desk.

Now, I will note that on the plus side, I did not have to pay for the vaccine. However, that was because I didn’t get immunized at all. The clerk told me all COVID vaccine appointments had been cancelled, because they had not yet received any supply.1

Back at home and sadly unstabbed, I glanced at the email again. That’s when I was reminded of the aforementioned John Harvard statue. You see, this email is false in multiple ways. Like the statue, it features its own trio of tarradiddles. Firstaball, the updated COVID-19 vaccine is, in fact, not here! It’s not here at all, and that’s a problem. Secondaball, the vaccine may or may not be free, as many people have had issues with getting insurance coverage. To their credit, they did at least put a caveat on that. But thirdaball?

That patient’s right arm really does not look like it matches her body. I don’t know if it’s a bad Photoshop, bad lighting, or what, but despite the nail polish and rings, that looks like a (possibly severed) man’s arm draped across her chest.

Footnotes:

  1. She also asked me “Did you get a text?”. I could only stare back as I bit my tongue against the snarky responses that sprang to mind. After all, it was CVS’s system that failed to alert me, and that probably wasn’t her fault. But no, no I did not get a text telling me my appointment was cancelled. If I had, I would not have shown up for said appointment. ↩︎

An Accidental Space Record ∞

So he’s got that going for him.

Monday, September 18th, 2023

NASA astronaut Frank Rubio was supposed to spend six months in space. Things did not quite work out that way, with Rubio’s return delayed by half a year. I’ve been finding myself alternating between horror and bemusement at how that might have played out.

  • “Well folks, I’m excited to be coming home next week! Oh…what’s…no? A delay? Huh, OK. Well, how long, a day or two? Oh. Oh I see.”

When Rubio comes home later this month, he’ll at least have earned a new American space record.

A Price to Be Paid ∞

Kim Davis has reached the “Find Out” portion of the proceedings.

Friday, September 15th, 2023

Eight long years ago, contemptible (now-former) Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis gained national prominence when she refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses. Rather than either performing her duties or resigning from her position, she decided to sit in contempt of court. She went to jail briefly, and emerged as a cause célèbre for Republican politicians.

Fortunately, in 2018, Davis lost her re-election for the role she had failed to properly fulfill. Now, she’s also lost a lawsuit she faced for violating the Constitutional rights of some Kentucky citizens. Though she’s certain to appeal, at present, she’s on the hook for $100,000 in damages, and likely some hefty attorney fees as well.

Still More on Food That Isn’t ∞

“Reconditioned food” is another horrifying thought.

Thursday, September 14th, 2023

After the third recent incident of Trader Joe’s needing to recall food because it had non-food in it, it seemed clear that this issue was more common than I had previously realized. Recently, friend-of-the-site Oliver Y. passed along a link headlined “Rocks, insects, plastic and other foreign objects often end up in our food. Here’s how it happens”. It contains an amusingly awful look at some past examples of recalls (“extraneous golf ball materials”!), but under-delivers when it comes to actual explanations.

Plastic pieces from frayed conveyor belts, wood shards from produce pallets, metal shavings or wire from machinery are all common. So are rocks, sticks and bugs that can make it from the field to the factory.

I had correctly guessed that metal came from machinery, but “rocks make it from the field to the factory” is far from a complete explanation as to how cookies came to contain rocks. Rocks! Where are the sifters?!

Anyhow, I’ll leave you with this.

“The thing is, there’s never going to be a day where there’s zero risk associated with consuming a food product,” Belk said.

Every action carries some level of risk, but I still don’t want it verbalized! Keep it to yourself, Belk.

In the Poorest of Taste ∞

Exactly how many people, at how many levels, approved this?

Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

Here’s a tip for other business owners out there: Never forget to avoid using 9/11 in your advertising.

Personally, I Prefer Big Dogs ∞

I also like them to live for more than 10 hours.

Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Over on Mars, NASA has been generating oxygen. That’s very cool!

When the Perseverance rover touched down on Mars in February 2021, one of the instruments it carried was a 40-pound, microwave-sized device called the Mars Oxygen In-Situ Resource Utilization Experiment, aka MOXIE.

MOXIE has been working over the last 2.5 years to extract the trace amounts of oxygen from Mars’ atmosphere, which is mostly carbon dioxide (95%) and nitrogen (3%). On its 16th and final run on August 7, the instrument made 9.8 grams of oxygen, bringing the total to 122 grams.

However, the current results from MOXIE aren’t exactly jaw-dropping on their face. In fact, the headline “NASA generates enough oxygen on Mars for a small dog to breathe for ten hours” sounds more than a little ridiculous. In truth, however, this system has worked even better than expected. In the future, it’s possible that large dogs could breath for weeks, months, or even years on Mars. Also, humans, I suppose.

Free Inside! One Jagged Metal Multigrain Cracker! ∞

Simpsons did it.

Monday, September 11th, 2023

Thanks to reader Chris M., I can advise my readers to watch out, because Trader Joe’s Multigrain Crackers with Sunflower and Flax Seeds may contain metal. The product has now been recalled, at least the third such recall in just over a month. I suspect the explanation for this one is a machine that broke in such a way that small pieces of metal sheared off into the food. That’s a lot easier to understand than food inadvertently containing rocks or insects.

Regardless of the cause, Trader Joe’s, you need to get your shit together, and then keep it out of your food products.

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