Stop, I Don’t Collaborate. Listen.

Wednesday, June 19th, 2019

As the owner of a website with a decent Google PageRank, I frequently received unsolicited emails asking if I’ll post various content to this site. For the most part, I ignore these solicitiations completely, and hope in vain that they’ll stop showing up. However, I recently saw an email in my inbox that gave me a good laugh:

Email asking if I would accept a sponsored post from Papa John's

I am, in fact, not “[i]nterested in collaborating on a sponsored post with Papa John’s”.

I’m not sure if Paige is aware of several past posts about Papa John’s or not. Those who are will likely realize this would not be a very good fit.

Imperfection, Embraced

Tuesday, June 18th, 2019

Last week, I shared my philosophy of embracing our hilarious imperfections. I continue to urge you to have photographic fun with your IDs, your address book, and anywhere else you can.

As part of that post, I included a wonderful photo from my pal Merlin’s Costco card. When I spoke to Merlin to clear the use of my photograph of his photograph, he was able to find the card, and take a much higher-resolution photo of the terrible photo. Presented in high-resolution, here is Merlin’s bonkers ID photo:

It’s like they’re producing these cards on an Easy-Bake Printer. Viewed at this level of zoom, it’s practically a stipple portrait, though much lower quality.

While chatting, Merlin also pointed me to one of his favorite Twitter avatars, for someone who is truly leaning in to the imperfection. Society judges women on their appearance much more than it does men, so Emmy-nominated writer Megan Amram’s Twitter avatar is truly a brave stand.

My god. It’s awful, and in its awfulness, amazing. She is a loathsome, offensive brute, yet I can’t look away. Gloriously well done, Megan!

The Dapper Catcher 

Monday, June 17th, 2019

Yesterday, Kansas City Royals catcher Martín Maldanado had a special accessory to go with his usual catching gear.

[Photo credit: @MLB]

Honestly, it’s a good look.

More Than Two Years’ Worth of the Median Income in the US 

Friday, June 14th, 2019

In a purchase that simply reeks of Silicon Valley money, one basketball fan paid more than $138,000 for a pair of seats for last night’s NBA Finals game 6 between the Golden State Warriors and the Toronto Raptors. That is a truly terrible waste of money, particularly if it was a Warriors fan who paid through the nose (and mouth and ears) to see his team go down in defeat.

Take a Picture, Not a Bag 

Thursday, June 13th, 2019

A grocery store in Canada is looking to dissuade customers from using plastic bags by using shame.

Bag featuring an embarrassing ad for wart ointment

As the article notes, these might be too good. They may be better served by printing something more blunt on the bags, like “I have failed the environment”.

Embrace The Glorious Imperfection

Wednesday, June 12th, 2019

We all take plenty of bad pictures. Thanks to the digital nature of most photos these days, it’s easy to delete the images where someone blinked, sneezed, or just looked really dumb. However, I want you to consider another way. We should embrace our glorious imperfection, as exhibited by the inherent truth of a bad photograph.


The genesis of this philosophy began over a decade ago, when my pal Merlin showed me his truly fabulous Costco membership card. Please enjoy this terrible photo of a terrible photo, courtesy of the original iPhone and a dimly lit bar:

Having no idea what information on this ID might be useful, I’ve blacked it all out.

Years later, when signing up for Costco myself, I kept Merlin’s example in mind. Where he went with a diabolical genius laugh, I aimed for more of a deer-in-the-headlights look. Here is a very high-quality photo of a terrible photo:

Costco really does not use good printers for this.

While this sort of clownery is unlikely to fly on a driver’s license or passport, there’s nothing stopping you from looking intentionally ridiculous in other identification documents. Go on, live a little!

Fun With Your Address Book

Of course, IDs alone aren’t enough. In an effort to push the world beyond its vain ways, I have also expanded this philosophy to my contacts. Fair warning, if you’re a buddy of mine, I have likely set an amusing picture of you as your contact photo. That’s just the price of entry into the wonderful circle of friendship.

Every so often, I’ll take a moment to really notice one of these pics, and have a good laugh:

Scott finally proved them all wrong.

And if, god forbid, you call me? Well, the awfulness of using my phone as a phone will be lessened by seeing something like you cuddling up to Danny Devito’s sweaty, naked ass:

The explanation for this photo is, in a word, complicated.

Turnabout Is Fair Play

Of course, I’ve shown many of my friends the ridiculous contact photos I use for them. As a result, the practice has spread. Many of them share screenshots of my own contact in their address book, as seen in the examples below:

You may recognize that picture from this March post.

That veggie sausage was moving toward my facehole at a high rate of speed.

For this to work, we must all be willing to allow the spread of less-than-flattering photos. As my Instagram feed can attest, I practice what I preach, and I’m quite willing to post ridiculous photos of myself for comedic effect. Please enjoy these three examples. If you’ve got me in your contacts, I encourage you to use these pictures, or others like them.

Lean In

The real world is not what we see through Hollywood’s Vaseline-smeared lens or the false curated perfection of social media. The real world is a mess, and if we can’t laugh at it at least a little bit, we’re all lost. Embrace that terribleness. Lean in to it. You’ll have a lot more fun.

Love & Whiskies 

Tuesday, June 11th, 2019

Do you love rats? Sure, we all do. If you’re in San Francisco and have $49.99 to spare, take some time this week to check out the Rat Bar. For three days only, or until the Health Department shuts them down, you can drink among the rats.

This picture is not going to sell folks on the concept.

I urged a friend who lives in the city to get in there, stating that I’d check it out if I could. She retorted “that’s just what people who aren’t in the vicinity of a rat bar say to people who are in the vicinity of a rat bar”. The skepticism is not unwarranted, but long-time readers may remember that I’m in good with the rats, thanks to my pal Mojo.

Alas, I’m a continent away. Still, if you drop my name at the door, I’m sure the rats will get you fixed up just right.

This Is the Sad Place 

Monday, June 10th, 2019

When a great TV show gets popular, it’ll usually then gets dragged on and on until it’s no longer great, or even good.

That will not be the fate of NBC’s fantastic show “The Good Place”. Showrunner Michael Schur has just announced that the upcoming fourth season will be its last. While I have little doubt fans will be left wanting more, I much prefer this to having the show beaten into the ground solely for the purpose of generating more revenue. Television may not often be viewed as high art, but it can still be art.

Bees Can Count 

Friday, June 7th, 2019

It appears that bees are much smarter than you might think.

1977’s Tax Dollars At Work 

Thursday, June 6th, 2019

Apparently, on at least one occasion, the FBI tested a hair and skin sample in the pursuit of Bigfoot.