Not Everything Is About Politics 

Thursday, July 20th, 2017

This slow-moving Dumpster fire on wheels isn’t a perfect metaphor for anything, not for anything at all.

The Kissing Defense Never Fails 

Tuesday, July 18th, 2017

In addition to being a gold medalist, Olympic sprinter Gil Roberts is also a real kissing aficionado. Now, he’s beaten the rap on a failed drug test with the unbeatable kissing defense. Roberts claimed that it was three hours of kissing his girlfriend Alex Salazar which led him to fail a drug test, due to medicine Salazar was (incorrectly) consuming.

The USADA’s expert, Dr. Matthew Fedoruk, noted that it was unclear how the medicine would come unbound from Salazar’s cheek and gums, but clearly that USADA expert is a nerd who has never made out with someone so passionately that he removed material from that person’s cheeks and gums. All the cool kissing boys and girls have done kisses this good.

Why Did the Colonel Make a Phone? 

Monday, July 17th, 2017

The very first thing I wonder about this KFC-branded phone from China is if the fingerprint scanner works when your fingers are covered in fried chicken grease.

You Should Care About Other People 

Friday, July 14th, 2017

I read this piece several weeks ago, but it keeps coming back to mind. Kayla Chadwick doesn’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people. Perhaps we can simply make it a statement. You should care about other people.

Massive Mammals Where They Don’t Belong 

Thursday, July 13th, 2017

Earlier this week, the Sri Lankan navy helped rescue an elephant who had been swept several miles out to sea. That’s really something, but the article also includes this note:

The rescue came six weeks after the navy and local residents saved a pod of 20 pilot whales who became stranded in nearby Trincomalee, a natural harbour that is popular for whale watching.

The multi-ton mammals of Sri Lanka really need to get it together.

Another Battle for the Net

Wednesday, July 12th, 2017

If you visited the site today, July 12th, you should have seen a pop-up something like this:

Pro-Net Neutrality Pop-Up

If you’re an American who’s already taken action here, or elsewhere, excellent. If you haven’t yet done so, now’s the time. The FCC is still taking comments about their plan to change rules regulating internet service providers, and your voice matters. In just a few minutes, you can use the EFF’s Dear FCC tool to stand up for Net Neutrality.

If you’re new to this issue, here’s a quick primer on Net Neutrality, from Battle for the Net:

What is Net Neutrality?

Net neutrality is the basic principle that protects our free speech on the Internet. “Title II” of the Communications Act is what provides the legal foundation for net neutrality and prevents Internet Service Providers like Comcast, Verizon, and AT&T from slowing down and blocking websites, or charging apps and sites extra fees to reach an audience (which they then pass along to consumers.)

Why is Net Neutrality Important?

The Internet has thrived precisely because of net neutrality. It’s what makes it so vibrant and innovative — a place for creativity, free expression, and exchange of ideas. Without net neutrality, the Internet will become more like cable TV, where the content you see is what your provider puts in front of you.

Net neutrality is something all consumers should get behind, and Title II oversight is the best way to achieve it. Speak up in favor of Title II oversight now. And if this all sounds familiar, it might be because this is hardly the first time we’ve fought this battle. A free and open internet is always worth the fight.

Umbrella-Sharing Is Probably Not a Viable Business 

Tuesday, July 11th, 2017

An umbrella-sharing startup in China has lost the vast majority of their fleet in very short order, which sounds like exactly what would happen to an umbrella-sharing startup. The story itself is amusing, but it also reminds me of one of my very favorite jokes from Seinfeld:

George: Who buys an umbrella anyway? You get ’em for free in the coffee shop, in the metal cans.

Jerry: (as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.

The idea of a life lived believing that the umbrella stands in public places are free for the taking always cracks me up. As if it’s equivalent to the take-a-penny/leave-a-penny tray by a cash register!

It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere, But Not Here

Monday, July 10th, 2017

I recently read the following headline:

5 Local Beers You Should Be Drinking Right Now

First of all, it’s not even noon yet! And second of all, even when it is drink o’clock, who has enough hands to quintuple-fist?

Let Us See Each Other Again 

Friday, July 7th, 2017

Twelve seconds of gunfire have left an indelible mark on a small town in South Carolina.

An Unholy Combination 

Thursday, July 6th, 2017

Pizza is great. Bikinis are great. The ’zakini is awful.

Model wearing a pizza bikini
Dear John, do I hope this is photoshopped!