XFL Logos, Reviewed 

Friday, August 23rd, 2019

For reasons unknown, the alternative football league known as the XFL is coming back for round two next February. The original league was some sort of bizarre mash-up of “professional” wrestling and the NFL, and it famously folded after a single season in 2001. Now, many more millions of dollars are being spent to try this whole thing again.

Details about the eight teams were unveiled earlier this week, and SBNation got an expert designer and an idiot writer to review the team logos.

Tampa Bay Vipers logo
This is not a good logo.

I look forward to seeing XFL merchandise from these failed teams in the nearest Dollar Tree sometime in 2021. I won’t be buying, of course. But it’ll be nice to see them there.

Previously in failed professional football leagues: Another Body in the Graveyard of Failed Football Leagues

Steam as a Utility 

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019

Last weekend, Massachusetts had a tax-free weekend, where no sales tax is charged on purchases. This is a (nearly) annual effort by the state to stimulate the economy, by making it less expensive for customers to buy various goods. Though many take this opportunity to get new furniture and other goods, I didn’t buy anything of note.

However, as a result, I got to enjoy the dumbest thing I’ve seen in quite some time.

The Majestic Mattress Migration 

Wednesday, August 21st, 2019

Have you witnessed the annual migration of the air mattresses? If not, you’ve really been missing out on the majesty.


Look at them go!

Take 15 seconds and watch the tremendous video captured by Robb Manes.1 It honestly doesn’t even look real.


Footnotes:

  1. The video is archived here. ↩︎

Therapy Dogs at Work 

Tuesday, August 20th, 2019

Speaking of animals at work, why not enjoy a delightful collection of therapy dogs helping people.


Oh hi!

Who’s Winning the Seagull War? 

Monday, August 19th, 2019

Recently, officials in Ocean City, New Jersey decided enough was enough when it came to seagulls stealing food from beachgoers. To combat the problem, they hired birds of prey to scare off the seagulls. NJ.com set out to see how effective these raptors were.

But instead of ducking and covering like most do, I spent the muggy afternoon trying to see if the city’s $2,100-a-day program to scare away the seagulls by flying falcons, hawks and owls overhead was actually working.

The city hired East Coast Falcons to use a fleet of birds to keep away the aggressive gulls and plan to use them through the end of the season. I was there earlier this month with photographer Tim Hawk (no relation) to see the debut.

That “(no relation)” kills me.

Previously in animals scaring off other animals: Bird Bouncer

That Would Be Quite a Ruse 

Friday, August 16th, 2019

The world’s oldest person was Jeanne Calment, who lived to the age of 122. Or did she?

I’ve Said It Before, Costco Is Just Not Using Good Printers

Thursday, August 15th, 2019

Back in June, I wrote about embracing the glorious imperfection of a terrible photo of oneself. By way of an example, I showed off my ridiculously terrible Costco ID photograph, once again seen here:


.

Last month, Costco joined the future, allowing customers to present a digital version of their ID via their iPhone. I figured this could reduce the number of cards I need to carry, so I set it up. Little did I know that this would provide me with a much higher-quality


.

Despite my being a member for just a few years, the photograph appears to have been taken with a ’90s-era webcam. Still, compared to the physical version, this pic is practically high-definition. The addition of color really brings out the dumbness of my face. My favorite detail, however, is just how askew the backdrop is. You can even see the cement wall behind it! This one dumb snap continues to pay dividends, and I couldn’t be more delighted.

The Backfiring Vanity Plate 

Wednesday, August 14th, 2019

When computer hacker Droogie scored the license plate “NULL”, he thought it might prevent him from ever getting a ticket. Things have gone a little differently.

Previously in null-related Nonsense: Little Jenny Null

Signs of Provincetown

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

I recently took a day trip from Boston to Provincetown. While there, I saw an assortment of amusing signs I’m now delighted to share with you.

“No Ranger, I Don’t Have Any Cannabis. Just This Here Legal Weed.”

To reach Provincetown, I took the fast ferry across several bays, arriving by water. As I exited the ferry, I was immediately confronted with this sign:

A sign providing a quote note about cannabis endquote

Though cannabis is now legal in Massachusetts, it’s still illegal at a federal level. As a result, many travelers might be carrying legally, until they step foot on federal soil. This is thus a useful sign, in theory.

It immediately goes off the rails, however, with the asterisk. I suspect the word “cannabis” is generally known, but surely “marijuana” would’ve been understood by anyone who needs to know what’s what. As for “herb” and “grass”, well, I simply have to wonder what the hell decade it is. Also worth noting, green generally means go and is also the color of marijuana, but the green areas on the map represents the places where possession would be illegal. And finally, could we get some punctuation here? My god, the more I look at this, the more of a train wreck of design it is.

1, 6, 7, 12, 13, 18, 19, 24 Etcetera

Next up, I stumbled upon a wild sale going on at Lighthouse Candles:

That’s just too many candles! That means you can leave Lighthouse Candles with one (1) candle, or six (6) candles, but not two (2), three (3), four (4), or five (5). Fortunately, I realized there was another number of candles one could leave with, zero (0).

Fess Up, Lululemon

Back down Commercial Street, I had to wonder exactly how much of a “pop-up” a store can be when it has a permanent sign:

“Oh hi! We just popped up with 5000 of these dumb bags! Buy some yoga pants!”

What Does It Mean?

Finally, we have a sign from Arnold’s Rent-A-Bike. Last year, I mocked them elsewhere for their slogan. That was on-the-nose, and more than a little redundant, but it was at least straight-forward. This, however, I don’t even know how to interpret:

A sign that says Helmets available for quote-safety-endquote

I honestly don’t understand how I should interpret this sign. Are they using quotes on the word “safety” for emphasis? This is certainly wrong, though it’s not uncommon. However, no emphasis is needed there, and there are no other quotes anywhere else. As a result, it reads to me as being sarcastic, as if to express their disdain for bicycle helmets. Is that a thing people do? The cartoon family behaving recklessly sure seems to, I suppose.

Ultimately, I spent the entire 90 minute ferry ride home contemplating this sign. Even now, however, I’m still no closer to an answer.

One Hell of an Origin Story 

Monday, August 12th, 2019

I don’t know if Nathan Patterson will ever make the major leagues, but if he does, he’ll have an astounding story of how he got signed.