Everything’s Coming Up Mr. Potato Head 

Friday, July 3rd, 2020

I wouldn’t have thought you could buy a Mr. Potato Head toy at a store called “Canadian Tire”, but friend-of-the-site Ya’ir A. set me straight. Apparently, for a time on Monday, that was literally all you could buy at Canadian Tire.

Buying Multiple Smaller Cakes Destroys Your Volume Discount 

Thursday, July 2nd, 2020

Costco has stopped selling large sheet cakes, which can feed as many as 50 people. This appears to be a small effort to prevent mass gatherings. That’s reasonable enough, but what if you just want a $20 sheet cake for personal use?

I’m Here for Beef Stroganoff 

Wednesday, July 1st, 2020

Please enjoy this tremendous story about the late Carl Reiner, comedy fans, fathers, and sons.1


Footnotes:

  1. The link above goes to an easy-to-read Thread Reader version of the story, but for archival purposes, here’s the original Twitter thread. ↩︎

Cross Party Lines, but Stay Six Feet Away 

Tuesday, June 30th, 2020

Ludicrously, wearing masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19 has become a political issue in America. As a result, we get a ridiculous headline like “Dick Cheney crosses party lines to promote face masks”.

Purchasing My Very Own Custom Pumper

Monday, June 29th, 2020

Behold, the great Instagram ad I’ve yet seen:

Like you, I have questions about this ad.

Questions for Rosenbauer US About This Ad for a Fire Truck:

  • What list did I get on to receive this ad?

  • A follow-up, how can I make sure I’m never, ever taken off of said list? Is tapping the ad repeatedly enough?

  • Can private citizens actually purchase fire trucks?

  • What in the world does “Your first due is your most important message to battle” mean?

  • Is your marketing copywriter having a stroke? Quick, dispatch one of your emergency vehicles!

  • Do fire trucks actually need to advertise? How much competition is there in this space?

  • Let’s assume fire truck manufacturers do need to advertise. Are Instagram ads really an effective way to reach customers?

  • Wait a minute, is this the result of all my research on the yellow Multipurpose Machine?

Anyhow, keep an eye out for me speeding down the streets of Boston in my brand-new fire engine this Christmas. I’ll be the one who doesn’t actually stop for any emergencies.

Conan the Very Good Boy or Girl 

Friday, June 26th, 2020

If you described One Foot Tsunami as a site where discussion of important federal freedom of information law intersects with classified dog genitals, I’d say “Yeah, that’s about right”.

Previously in top secret canines: Declassified Dogs

Topping the Box Office 

Thursday, June 25th, 2020

In June 10th, a movie called “Unsubscribe” had its world premier on Long Island. It’s a 29-minute film which screened in just one theater, to a crowd of two, yet managed to “earn” $25,488 and come the number one movie in America. The combination of COVID-19 and a loophole known as “four-walling” made it all possible.

Second Thoughts 

Wednesday, June 24th, 2020

Apparently, strip clubs in Providence, Rhode Island, have recently received the go-ahead to re-open. Sure, that may seem like a ludicrously bad idea given the extremely contagious global pandemic that hasn’t miraculously disappeared, but I guess the crotch wants what the crotch wants.

Last week, the city’s licensing board approved a plan by four local strip clubs to offer outdoor adult entertainment under the new reopening rules aimed at preventing the spread of the coronavirus.

The new rules, however, are more than a bit onerous. All employees must wear masks at all times, lap dances are prohibited, along with any physical contact, and there will be plexiglass barriers up the wazoo. Well, not literally. Anyhow, they’ve managed to make a strip club sound even less appealing, and that’s a real trick.

As a result, strip club owners are now having “second thoughts” about re-opening. It also appears that dancers are uninterested in coming back to work. One strip club manager bemoaned the whole situation:

“You’re not making any money, you’re just going through the motions.”

That’s a shame for any businessperson. Then again, doesn’t “going through the motions” sort of describe the entire strip club experience anyway?

Previously in bizarre adult entertainment: A Failed Revolution

The SEC Had “Comments” for Hertz 

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2020

It appears Hertz’s rather preposterous plan to sell half a billion dollars in almost certainly worthless stock has hit a snag. The Securities and Exchange Commission has “comments” on the plan:

“In this particular situation we have let the company know that we have comments on their disclosure,” SEC Chairman Jay Clayton said Wednesday on CNBC’s “Squawk on the Street.” “In most cases when you let a company know that the SEC has comments on their disclosure they do not go forward until those comments are resolved.”

I find this usage of the word “comments” very odd. Why not say “concerns”, or “issues”? Regardless, it looks like Hertz is abandoning their plan. Some small measure of sanity has prevailed in this crazy world.

Now That’s Just Bad Luck 

Monday, June 22nd, 2020

Last week, Ford announced plans to unveil the all-new Ford Bronco on July 9th. There was just one problem: That’s O.J. Simpson’s birthday.`