Have a Delicious Pour of Crab Whiskey 

Thursday, June 30th, 2022

Up in New Hampshire, a distillery is flavoring whiskey with invasive green crabs. At present, these efforts are not enough to get rid of these invasive crabs, with distiller Matt Power noting that “they would have to greatly increase their whiskey production to put a dent in green crab numbers”. So, uh, drink up for the environment 🥃?

Unconscious Air 

Wednesday, June 29th, 2022

In response to a one potential future for economy flights, Dan Kois has imagined a slightly less hellish option for air travel.

The Wonkeyed Bonus Pig Shall Not Be Forgotten

Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Over in Iceland, there’s a supermarket chain called Bónus.1 When I visited the Nordic nation six years ago, I became very fond of the company’s logo, which I call the Bonus Pig. It’s a piggy bank (for savings!), and it’s so round that it often takes the place of the letter “O” in their name.1 Feast your eyes upon the Bonus Pig:

If you’re thinking “That looks rather silly”, you’re not wrong. It is silly, and that is what makes it great. But my friend, this little piglet used to be so, so much sillier. Please, click the play button below to morph the Bonus Pig back to its former glory:

Just look at that incredible wonkeye. It is the epitome of glorious imperfection. From the moment I happened upon the Bonus Pig in 2016, I was smitten. I shared it on Instagram:

[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]

For quite some time, I also re-used one of their plastic bags:

[Photo courtesy of S. Hiraiwa]

Can you believe this was the logo of the largest supermarket chain in an entire country? It’s amazing. Here it is on one of their storefronts:

The little piggy who owned a market also flew on flags:

A few months ago I even received a Bonus Pig shirt as a gift.3 I wear it proudly and wonkeyedily:


Please insert your own pig snort sound.

Alas, the original Bonus Pig was sanitized in the past year or so. Some swine, no doubt thinking that they could “fix” the Bonus Pig, went and gave the little dude corrective eye surgery. Just as when the execrable SAP Concur killed off Hipmunk, joy has once again been sucked from the world. It is a travesty. This is not my beautiful pig:

Before too many days go by, I hope the designer in question says to themselves “My God, what have I done?”, and sets to work undoing this regrettable change.

For now though, my wonkeyed little friend can still be spotted in various places around Bónus’s website. If and when it eventually disappears completely from there, this page will remain as a memorial to what was lost.


Footnotes:

  1. Apparently, they’ve also got eight stores in the Faroe Islands. ↩︎

  2. Technically, it’s the letter “Ó”, but I’m not really down with diphthongs. I’m going with a standard “o” in this post, and in my life. ↩︎

  3. This shirt is a knockoff, so it’s particularly amusing that they kept the registered trademark ®. ↩︎

Damn Dirty Humans 

Monday, June 27th, 2022

When I saw the headline “Monkey in “bullet-proof” vest found dead after bloody cartel shootout in Mexico”, I thought I wanted to know more. I was wrong. I suggest that you not to follow that link.

Instead, live in the world I once occupied, a place where a hardened cartel member so loved his pet monkey that he gave him the bullet-proof vest off his own back in an unsuccessful attempt to save the simian. It’s much nicer there.

Let’s Not

Friday, June 24th, 2022

Over a decade ago, I spent a few extra bucks on some slightly more expensive trash cans from Simplehuman. Rather than using the absolutely cheapest refuse receptacle I could find, I thought I’d get something a little nicer. It’s been a fine decision.

In late May, I ordered some new trash bags from Simplehuman.1 They arrived quickly, and I put a couple in my trash cans, then moved on with my life.

Until three weeks later, when Simplehuman got in touch:

An email from Simplehuman that says “We'd love to hear from you” and requests a review

I would love to not hear from you, Simplehuman! I cannot fathom taking even 20 seconds of my life to leave a review for trash bags.2 I also can’t imagine needing a five star scale to rate trash bags. This is surely a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down situation, at most.

As for the invitation to get social, I’m going to have to decline that as well. Thanks anyhow, Simplehuman.


Footnotes:

  1. Along the lines of the razors and blades model, Simplehuman offers custom-sized liners for their cans. They cost a few cents more than standard trash bags, but look a lot nicer. ↩︎

  2. Don’t think I’ve failed to recognize the inherent ridiculousness in taking much longer than 20 seconds to write about all of this. I spend that time for you, dear reader. ↩︎

Global Nightmare 

Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

I can only chuckle ruefully at the idea of a massive ship taking exactly one voyage, from the shipyard where it was built directly to the scrapyard.

Your Mites Have Anuses 

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2022

Today in news you can use (to gross out others), the tiny arachnids that live and love on your face have anuses! Thanks for letting us know, science.

A World-Class Joke 

Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Internet Explorer is finally dead, and South Korean software engineer Jung Ki-young gave it a fitting tombstone.

It’s really quite the epitaph.

I’m Betting the Intended Text Was “Held On” 

Monday, June 20th, 2022

I simply cannot imagine that this was anything but a horrible autocorrupt:

The Local 12 Plumbers and Gasfitters Union is apologizing for a text message about Juneteenth that was sent to 2,000 members.

“The Federal Juneteenth Holiday, June 19th falls on a Sunday this year and is melon Monday, June 20th. It is an optional Holiday for Local 12 Members. Any Member who wishes to take Monday, June 20th, may take the day off,” it said.

I hope you have a good Juneteenth (observed).

It’s a Safe Bet That the Rangers Weren’t Stealing Signs 

Friday, June 17th, 2022

As most folks know, in baseball, it’s one, two, three strikes and you’re out. A strikeout is a fairly common way for an at bat to end, occurring many times each game. Striking out the side is a rarer event, wherein a pitcher strikes out all three batters they face in an inning.1 Much, much rarer still is an “immaculate inning”, which occurs when a pitcher throws nine straight strikes and strikes out all three batters. In Major League Baseball’s history of millions of innings, just over 100 of them have been immaculate.

Earlier this week, the Houston Astros managed not one, but two, immaculate innings in one game. Hapless Texas Rangers Nathaniel Lowe, Ezequiel Duran, and Brad Miller went down on nine straight strikes in the second inning, for the 107th immaculate inning of all time. Then, incredibly, the very same batters did the same in the seventh for the 108th, and most recent, immaculate inning.

They say that every time you go to the ballpark, you’re going to see something you’ve never seen before. If you were a Rangers fan at the game on June 15, 2022, you saw something no one’s ever seen before, and it wasn’t great for you.


Footnotes:

  1. Wikipedia states: “There is a disagreement as to the exact definition of striking out the side. Some feel a pitcher should be credited with striking out the side when all three outs in the inning were obtained via the strikeout, regardless of what other hitters that the pitcher has faced have done.” Those people are wrong.↩︎