One Good Turn Deserves Ignoring 

Monday, June 26th, 2017

As an infant in 1944, Mitch McConnell was stricken with polio. He and his mother were given assistance by the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis, to help him recover and lead a life nearly free of after-effects. The National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis eventually became the March of Dimes, and seven decades later it’s still working to improve the health of mothers and babies.

And yet in 2017, now-Senate Majority Leader has opted not to meet with representatives from the March of Dimes who wish to discuss his proposed changes to healthcare.

Be Careful Out There This Summer 

Friday, June 23rd, 2017

An Australian man was recently attacked by a sea eagle, which bit him in a very sensitive area. A local ornithologist believes the eagle thought it was going after turtle eggs, but these were huevos of a different sort.

I think this theory gives the bird too little credit however. Isn’t it possible the eagle is smart enough to be disgusted by the grotesqueness of the naked human form, and he was expressing his displeasure?

Update (June 23rd, 2017): Lamentably, today’s link has proven to be false. Thanks to loyal reader Josh H. for raising the warning. While this site is dedicated to the absurd, it also strives to relay only the truth. Fanciful satire is appreciated, but should not be passed off as reality, lest we dubbed “fake news”. We regret the error.

CNET, This Is Just Sad

Thursday, June 22nd, 2017

I recently received the following email in my inbox.

Obvious, CNET is looking to boost their traffic numbers. Begging me to come back via email is fairly pitiful, but it’s the subject line that really gets me.

Subject: We miss you please come back

The lack of any punctuation really just makes it more pathetic. I almost felt bad about immediately clicking the unsubscribe link at the bottom of the email. Almost.

Why Are Killer Whales Robbing Boats? 

Wednesday, June 21st, 2017

Because that’s where the fish are.

And When You Gaze Long Into an Abyss, the Abyss Will Present You With Phallic Sea Creatures 

Tuesday, June 20th, 2017

It’s easy to see why Popular Science is so popular, with a headline like this.

Perk of the Job 

Monday, June 19th, 2017

Every couple decades, a crew of painters gets to have a laugh in Sussex, Wisconsin.

Maybe Now Startups Will Stop Calling Themselves “The Uber Of…”? 

Friday, June 16th, 2017

Just when you think Uber can’t possibly get any worse, a new and terrible story emerges. Uber is the Donald Trump of ridesharing services.

Pairs Well With Smiley Faces 

Thursday, June 15th, 2017

Last week, lexicographer Jane Solomon posted an in-depth analysis of which emoji get paired with the gun emoji.

Hassle House 

Wednesday, June 14th, 2017

The town of Derby, Vermont straddles the U.S.–Canada border. I’ve been through it, and I took a moment to stand in two countries at once.

[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]

This was an amusing lark, even if it did feel a little weird on my bits. Living on top of that border, however, sure sounds like a tremendous pain in the ass.

Britney Spears’ Instagram Is Toxic 

Tuesday, June 13th, 2017

Russian hackers are posting comments on Britney Spears’ official Instagram account in order to control a network of malware, and the future is incredibly goddamned weird.