Aptly Bylined 

Monday, June 18th, 2018

Keeping with a disturbing trend of penis-related news, Desmond James was recently acquitted of a rape charge in Connecticut. To prove his innocence, defense attorney Todd Bussert had Jones show his penis to the jury.

Previously in jurors being subjected to unwanted penises: That Last Line Is Really Something

Ethical Testicles 

Friday, June 15th, 2018

Earlier this year, the world’s first total penis and scrotum transplant was successfully completed. I find this deeply weird, but perhaps the most fascinating aspect of the whole thing is the ethical questions it raised:

Were the testicles also transplanted?

No. The reason being is that it was considered unethical as the donor’s sperm would have been transferred to the recipient.

“Those sperm-producing cells will stay in the testes for the life of the testes,” Redett explained. Basically, if you transplant the testes, you are giving the recipient the ability to pass on the donor’s DNA.

It makes sense.

Caterpillar Alert 

Thursday, June 14th, 2018

You know what they always say. If you don’t like the road conditions in New England, wait a few weeks for the caterpillars to clear out.

Those Stupid Sharks Don’t Know How to Keep a Secret 

Wednesday, June 13th, 2018

Great white sharks have a secret cafe, so now you know where to go the next time Starbucks closes all their stores for diversity training.

Prove Him Wrong, Bosses. Prove Him Wrong. 

Tuesday, June 12th, 2018

Indian engineer Rameschandra Fefar only managed to get in to work for 16 days in the past 8 months. However, he had a good explanation when questioned about his absences.

“I am Lord Vishnu’s 10th incarnation as Kalki,” he responded in writing. “I am doing penance at home by entering into the fifth dimension to change the global conscience. This work I cannot do in the office.”

That is a pretty good excuse.

Horse Wins! 

Monday, June 11th, 2018

On Saturday, Justify completed horse racing’s Triple Crown, and I couldn’t care less. But if someone’s going to mock this spectacle, well, that I’m up for.

Hockey Night in Las Vegas 

Friday, June 8th, 2018

I imagine most pro athletes would like to win their league championship at home, to celebrate. As the Washington Capitals learned yesterday (and today), winning in Las Vegas has its perks as well.

The threshold for who could venture on stage started to lower. Disbelief had yet to dissipate. “How amazing is it you can walk into a bar and the Stanley Cup is there, 10 yards away?” one Capitals employee asked, standing by the bar. He then escorted onto the stage a longtime Caps season-ticket holder who had gained entry, in part, by buying acceptable clothing off the back of a man on the street for 20 bucks. (He had previously been denied on the grounds of wearing sandals and shorts.)

The whole article is a great read.

Breaking Down Barriers With Writing 

Thursday, June 7th, 2018

Allison Langer teaches writing in prison, and it’s been a powerful experience.

Still a Better Lawyer Than Michael Cohen 

Wednesday, June 6th, 2018

Recently, Sesame Street sued the forthcoming puppet film “The Happytime Murders” over their use of the tagline “No Sesame. All Street”. They lost.

In a statement to TheWrap on Wednesday, STX’s representative in the matter, Fred, Esq. — who, we will remind readers, is a puppet — said that the company is “obviously very pleased” with the ruling.

Emphasis has been added to the above.

Better Never Than Late

Tuesday, June 5th, 2018

On June 1st, I flew from Boston to San Francisco. My flight left Boston just before 11 AM. Thanks to in-flight wifi, more than five hours after departure (and with less than an hour before landing) I got this gate change update from JetBlue:

I had cellular data and wifi up until I boarded my flight (at Gate C19), so it seems unlikely this was delayed. As best as I can tell, either someone or some automated system sent this hours after it was relevant, for reasons I can’t fathom.