Dion Waiters Is Already An NBA Champion 

Tuesday, September 29th, 2020

The NBA Finals start on Wednesday, with the Los Angeles Lakers taking on the Miami Heat. The best-of-seven series will conclude no earlier than October 6th, but no matter what happens, Dion Waiters should receive a 2020 NBA Championship ring.

Be Careful Who You Vote For 

Monday, September 28th, 2020

In New Hampshire, thanks in no small part to the ignorance of voters, a self-described “transsexual Satanist anarchist” is the Republican nominee for Sheriff of Cheshire County. Aria DiMezzo received more than 4,000 votes when she ran unopposed in the Republican primary. Friend-of-the-site Brent S. tipped me off to this story, and I found that Snopes has a detailed look:

She’s faced backlash, which she attributes to the fact that she’s the embodiment of an anti-Republican platform running as a Republican. But she faults voters for failing to find out anything about her before voting for her.

“I’m not an easy person to miss,” DiMezzo said. “I’m 6 feet tall. I carry a pistol. I’m trans and I have bright red hair. How did all of those people not know who I am? How did all those people go into a voting booth and vote for someone who they knew nothing about? I was never secretive about who and what I am.”

There’s plenty to critique here, but DiMezzo has certainly raised a worthwhile point that a candidate’s voluntary party affiliation is hardly enough to go on when it comes to voter education.

One Magical Front Door

Friday, September 25th, 2020

Recently, I bought some potato chips. More specifically, I bought 156 single-serving bags of potato chips from England. Now sure, ordering over $100 worth of junk food might seem crazy. But what you have to remember is that it’s 2020, and we each need to find a way to get through this thing. Also, the British really know their way around a salt & vinegar “crisp”, as they call them.

So yes, this happened:

Only a fraction of the haul
[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]

As absurd as this recent purchase might seem, however, it’s far from the most ridiculous thing going on here. First, let’s talk shipping speed. My order was dispatched from England in the afternoon on Monday, September 14th. It was driven from Bristol to East Midlands airport about two hours away, then flown across the Atlantic to New York City. There, it cleared customs, and was quickly driven to Boston. Just over 48 hours after it began its journey, the box was at my front door. That’s simply unnecessary, particularly for such a frivolous purchase.

Better still is the note DHL added to the last item of the tracking information:

This was not in fact the approximate location where I signed for the package. Instead, the delivery was left without an actual signature or even a ring of the doorbell. Thankfully, I noticed it before any snack fiends could make off with my precious cargo. If I hadn’t, however, I think DHL would’ve had a hard time defending themselves given this note.

They Shoulda Put Some Rings on It 

Thursday, September 24th, 2020

When I saw the headline “What if Earth had rings?”, my first response was “Well, that would be cool as shit!”. Of course, the lucky humans in this alternate reality barely even notice their rings, because they’ve never known anything else.

Back here on our poor, ringless Earth, it’s at least fun to read Live Science’s deep dive on rings, and to look at photorealistic which imagine how our sky might appear.

These glittering rings would neither rise nor set, and would always appear in the exact same place in the sky. These cosmic landmarks would be visible both day and night.


Hypothetical rings over Washington, D.C.

A Demi Adejuyigbe Interview 

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Demi Adejuyigbe is much more than just the “September Guy”, but for one day each year, that’s where he shines. Vulture interviewed him about this year’s September 21st video, which has now raised over a quarter of a million dollars.

That Was Yesterday

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020

Too late did I realize that yesterday was September 21st. As a result, I was unable to share this joyous holiday with you. That’s OK! We can still have a belated celebration, with the latest video from Demi Adejuyigbe.1

In 2020, it’s not safe to use a children’s choir or a mariachi band, but Adejuyigbe adapted in wonderful, over-the-top fashion. And that initial reveal? 👨‍🍳💋

Jubilant as this may all seem, like others before him, Demi has felt the burden of expectations when it comes to producing something year after year. In the hopes of staving off the need to do this again next September, he chose to hold 2021’s video hostage in the best way, requiring at least $50,000 in charitable contributions via sept21st.com. Adejuyigbe clearly should have set the bar higher, as it only took a few hours for we supporters to blast past that goal. Nevertheless, you can (and should) still donate. In the meantime, I’ve marked my calendar for 2021, so I don’t miss out.


Footnotes:

  1. As usual, archived here. ↩︎

A Second Chance for a Strange Chair 

Monday, September 21st, 2020

In what may well be the worst year of many of our lives (…so far), this story of a fish chair is a brief bit of relief.

Next Up, Quaker Oatmeal Fried Clams 

Friday, September 18th, 2020

I try not to yuck other people’s yums, but it was long ago established that adults should not drink Mountain Dew. If you are going to drink Mountain Dew as an adult, I can think of no worse way to do so than in a “DEW® Garita, the first official MTN DEW® cocktail”. It’s coming soon to a Red Lobster near you, and it is awful. Behold!

A bright green Mountain Dew based glass of awfulness
This picture was clearly not taken at a Red Lobster, as it is utterly lacking in dank

From the classy copper cocktail shaker to the smaller-than-the-rim-of-the-glass dish of Old Bay (?), to the sickeningly neon green drink itself, that photograph is, in a word, incongruous. Then again, so is a brand pairing of Mountain Dew and Red Lobster.

OK, Next They Need to Automate the Editing 

Thursday, September 17th, 2020

GPT-3 is an impressive artificial intelligence system, which can write text that sounds human. The Guardian used it to write an entire article.

We asked GPT-3, OpenAI’s powerful new language generator, to write an essay for us from scratch. The assignment? To convince us robots come in peace.

If I can get this system up and running for myself, I’ll be able to automate One Foot Tsunami, which would be a real time-saver.

Maybe We Can Finally Get Some Case Law on This Important Issue 

Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

A Malaysian man has claimed that his cell phone was stolen by a monkey, who was then caught on the phone’s camera.


Extreme Monkey Closeup

At present, the owner of the copyright on these photos and videos remains undetermined in a court of law.

Previously in monkey selfies: Monkeying With Copyrights