Thank You, Climb Again 

Friday, December 14th, 2018

Recently, The Atlantic compiled a series of photos of tourist attractions in China that take place at impressive altitudes. The first image really had me thinking about the guy who runs this store:

Photo of a convenience store on 100 meters up on the side of a cliff

I don’t know what the markup is at that convenience store, but it’s not enough.

Grog Build Wall. Build Wall Tall! 

Thursday, December 13th, 2018

At this moment, the following is real content on the Department of Homeland Security’s website:

It’s a “news” release entitled “Walls Work”, and frankly, it’s just weird. Did DHS get hacked? Did they recently hire a caveman copy editor? Is this the work of a disgruntled employee? Anything seems possible, including the idea that this is the average level of education in America now.

Humans Are So Creative

Wednesday, December 12th, 2018

Yesterday, Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before the US House of Representatives. When he wasn’t providing Tier 1 tech support for Steve King, or explaining why a photo of Donald Trump comes up when you search for “idiot”, he presented some interesting numbers and statistics.

I found this particular tidbit fascinating:

“Last year we served over 3 trillion searches, just as a fact, every single day, 15% of the searches Google sees, we have never seen them before. So this is working at scale. We don’t manually intervene on any search result,” Pichai said.

So much weird sex stuff is getting invented every day!

Previously in weird sex stuff: Loading Wood

Loading Wood

Tuesday, December 11th, 2018

Two landscapers in Connecticut having given me the biggest WTF of the day, thanks to this story. A female landscaper was working at a customer’s home alongside her co-worker, Robert Somley, when he took a break.

After about 20 minutes, the woman went looking for Somley and found him in the home, standing there naked watching pornography on a laptop, police said.

Uh, wow. Huh. That’s…something.

When the woman questioned what Somley was doing, police said, he responded that he needed to relieve himself before continuing work.

Oh, sure, that makes sense then. That’s totally normal, just standing watching pornography on a laptop, naked as the day he was born. You know, like you do.

Police said the woman left and went back to loading wood on the trailer. But, after a short while, decided that she, too, needed to take a break.

Yeah, why should Somley get to have all the fun? Surely this woman has just as much right to strip down in a customer’s home and watch pornography while on the clock!

When she went back into the home this time, she found Somley naked and dribbling maple syrup on his body, police said.

Wait a second. What was he going to do if this woman didn’t come back in? Was the maple syrup just for his own enjoyment?

Police said the woman confessed that this sight was a “turn on” for her and she demanded to be allowed to participate.

The word “demanded” here really cracks me up.

In addition to the syrup, police said the couple engaged in foreplay with blueberry jelly.

Folks, what did we just read? My word. But the real capper is that the only reason we’re hearing about this is that Somley illegally taped this sugary encounter, and refused to delete the video when his co-worker made her second demand.

Update (December 12th, 2018): Robert Somley is now in jail, after threatening the victim in this case. As well, he was apparently not on a job at a customer’s house, but moving stuff out of a home from which he’d just been evicted. Not that that really makes this much better.

Eel-Nose Is the New Cinnamon Challenge 

Monday, December 10th, 2018

The headline states “Young Seals Keep Getting Eels Stuck Up Their Noses, and Nobody Knows Why”. I believe that last part isn’t quite true.


This seal is high out of his mind.

I suspect I know what’s happening here. This is the hot new way for young monk seals to impress their friends. They don’t have Juuls to vape, or Tide pods to eat, so they’re snorting eels. It’s not even that original. Really, it feels like these are just ripping off the very similar condom challenge.

Tree of Blood 

Friday, December 7th, 2018

Thanks to a tweet shared by friend-of-the-site Daniel Jalkut, I’ve got a Barvd one-off to ruin your appetite today. As The Atlantic reports, this is an intact blood clot in the exact shape of the right bronchial tree.


It’s so very red!

That’s disgusting. It’s also oddly beautiful.

Puzzle Montage Art 

Thursday, December 6th, 2018

Apparently, mass-produced jigsaw puzzles often use the same patterns. As a result, artist like Tim Klein have started merging pieces from multiple puzzles to create new images.

A puzzle merging a churche and a merry-go-round
Tim Klein’s “Mercy-Go-Round”

Holiday Workplace Celebrations Gone Wild 

Wednesday, December 5th, 2018

I’ve never worked in a real office, so I have to assume every workplace party is like the ones described in this post.

Also, that “Frozen Flasher” entry is like a dirty version of “A Christmas Story”, and that’s deeply weird.

That Hot New Brand Palessi 

Tuesday, December 4th, 2018

I love to see snooty pretensions get taken down a peg, like wine snobs who can’t even tell the difference between red and white wine. As such, I greatly enjoyed hearing about Payless ShoeSource giving the world of high fashion a poke in the eye. Given the success of this stunt, I guess the real question is why Payless stopped.

Eee dont now

Monday, December 3rd, 2018

As I skimmed through the listing for a stamp roll dispenser on Amazon, I came upon this question and answer pair:

A question being unhelpfully answered with the text 'No, í dont now '.

This incredibly useless reply from “Magaly” has been cracking me up ever since. They managed to cram three typos into just four words, which is worse even than this previous train wreck. I have many questions.

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR UNHELPFUL AMAZON USER “MAGALY”

  • Why in the world did you bother replying?

  • Are you aware that it’s not mandatory for you to fill all empty text boxes on the web?

  • How did you manage to type an “í” instead of an “I”?

  • Isn’t it fun to pronounce this emphatically, as “Eee dont now!”?

  • Does a missing period count as a typo? If so, we’ve got four typos in four words.

  • Man, they really nailed that comma, though.

    Previously in stupid Amazon things: This Is Not Helpful, Amazon