The Worst of 1924 

Monday, January 6th, 2020

Last Wednesday, a new collection of works entered the public domain in America. That’s a very good thing, but not everything published in 1923 was good. Slate has taken the time to find some of the worst of it, based on contemporary reviews. For example:

The Right to Dream is about as untruthful as some lemon merengue pies. The froth, you know, looks diaphanously solid, but is as solid as sweetened water. Mix prussic acid with the meringue and you will have the idea of The Right to Dream.

So poetic! So mean!

Previously in terrible works entering the public domain: The Worst of 1923

That Does Seem Logical 

Friday, January 3rd, 2020

Speaking of New York City, A wind turbine came crashing down in the Bronx on Monday. Fortunately, no one was injured. Even better, the story gave us this quote:

  • A wind turbine shouldn’t be taken down by the wind.

It’s hard to argue with that.

You Were the Mayor, So I Guess You Were Responsible 

Thursday, January 2nd, 2020

As I now understand it, when an act of terrorism occurs in New York City, the current mayor is responsible. Got it.

Say, does anyone remember who was mayor on September 11th, 2001?

A Collection of Cuties

Wednesday, January 1st, 2020

Recently, I purchased a package of that delightful winter treat, the clementine. They’re easy to eat, and tasty, but this particular package really had some things going on. I didn’t notice what I’d picked up until after purchasing, but these were apparently “Cuties”, which seem to be made for small children:

A Cuties package, showing a clementine being bizarrely unzipped.

On the other hand, it’s possible the target audience is some sort of citrusphile fruit freaks. The imagery features unzipping that’s more than a little obscene, as well as eyebrows that look rather lustful. Frankly, the whole thing feels sexualized, and that’s just gross. Try to unsee it! I know I can’t.

Still, I’d already bought them before I noticed this, and returning them because they were “too sexy” seemed likely to get me on some sort of list. So, I cut open the net to place them all in a fruit bowl, so I could rid myself of the disturbing wrapping. When I did, I found that some of the clementines in the package had stickers on them.

These stickers appear to serve no real purpose, except perhaps to make me feel far less adult while I enjoyed a snack, and also to provide content for this site. Herein, a very brief review of the five Cutie stickers I saw:

Rudolph Cutie

A sticker which reads 'Rudolph Cutie'

This was the first of three stickers which were all appropriate for the Christmas season. Of course, if you take a look, you’ll see that Cuties don’t appear to have noses. As such, it seems as likely as not that “Rudolph Cutie” here actually has a giant, disgusting cyst. Barvd!

Jingle Cutie

A sticker which reads 'Jingle Cutie'

This sticker is fairly innocuous, though with the hat, it looks more like a “Santa Cutie” than a “Jingle Cutie” to me.

Stocking Stuffer

A sticker which reads 'Stocking Stuffer'

I like this sticker, because it alludes to the tradition of placing oranges in a Christmas stocking. I don’t know that a single small Cutie would make a great stocking stuffer, but a few could be nice.

Captain Cutie

A sticker which reads 'Captain Cutie'

Things took an abrupt turn away from Christmas with this pirate-themed sticker. I’m not sure what this has to do with much of anything, but at least we know this is one buccaneer who won’t get scurvy.

Mouthcandy

A sticker which reads 'Mouthcandy'

I really have issues with this final sticker. There are many modifiers for candy. We use “ear candy” for catchy music and “arm candy” for a young person accompanying an older individual on a date. There’s even “nose candy”, for cocaine. But mouthcandy? That’s just candy! It’s the default. You don’t need the “mouth” modifier. It would be like saying “heart blood”. That’s just blood!

Also, I’m not sure why this Cutie was dipped like a candy apple, but it’s very unappealing.

Conclusion

At the moment, I’m on the fence about purchasing more Cuties. Ultimately, if I can find a clementine that doesn’t make me feel like I need to wait until the lunch bell rings to eat it, that would be best.

Surely This Is a Good Sign 

Tuesday, December 31st, 2019

Don’t worry, Uber shareholders. I’m sure Travis Kalanick doesn’t know anything relevant, and he’s just dumping all of his Uber stock because he wants the company to grow and blossom without him.

Just This Once, for One Person 

Monday, December 30th, 2019

Please enjoy this beautiful story of Dr. Margaret McCollum and her late husband Oswald Laurence.

Instagram Face 

Friday, December 27th, 2019

The rising popularity of plastic surgery is more than a little horrifying.

Interview with the Zuckerbot 

Thursday, December 26th, 2019

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has declined to speak with the Guardian, so they built a Zuckerbot to interview instead.

Madison, the Superfluous Reindeer

Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

On a recent trip on the subway, I saw someone with a Christmas gift bag that made me very confused. I snapped a quick pic, but I didn’t want to be a total creeper, so it’s not great:

It’s blurry, but you should still be able to make out the fact that Santa’s sleigh is being pulled by 12, count them, 12 reindeer. I had to find out more.

Realizing that my subway stop was very close to a Paper Source store, I was able to find the product in question. Here’s a better picture of their “Snow Covered Street” bag:

As a result, I now have some questions for Paper Source.

Questions for Paper Source About These “Snow Covered Street Medium Gift Bags”:

  • Just how many reindeer do you think there are? We know the answer, and the answer is eight. We know all of their names. Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Comet, Donner, and Blitzen. Eight.

  • Are you counting Rudolph? Alright, then it’s nine.

  • Would you like help getting to ten? Fine. I’ve also heard of “Olive”, as in 🎶 Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names 🎶. It requires some clever/awful wordplay, but we’ll let you have it. Even with those two additions, you reach only a very shaky ten. As well, it’d mean you’ve got Rudolph in-line (rather than leading the pack), and without his distinguishing feature.

  • So, what are the names of the other two reindeer? I’ll say they’re “Madison” and “Logan”. Let’s go with some trendy-ass names for these ridiculous, superfluous reindeer.

  • Isn’t it likely that the average gift weight has decreased in recent years? Solid wood was replaced by plastics, and electronics have gotten smaller and lighter every year. Given that, Santa’s sleigh has surely gotten lighter. Is Santa now using more reindeer even as less energy is required, in some sort of make-work job scenario?

  • Alternately, has Santa, recently gained weight, like so many people? And as a result, are more magical flying reindeer necessary to get the sleigh off the ground?

In closing, those reindeer lack antlers and kind of look like dogs.

Denny’s Grand Slam 

Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

For one night, thanks to one ridiculous 17-year-old, an Orange County Denny’s was the coolest rock club on the planet.