That Would Surely Be for the Public Good 

Monday, September 6th, 2021

Over in England, a man named Stephen Cooper confessed to shoplifting Viagra, among other crimes. In defense, his lawyer barrister Iain Haley had this to say:

Mr Haley said: “He formed a relationship and needed the Viagra to enable him to keep up with the young woman he had formed the relationship with. He is not a hardened criminal.”

I sincerely hope Haley took on this case pro boner, just so he could make that joke.

Turn Off Location Services on Your Phone and Just Get a Gun 

Friday, September 3rd, 2021

You know that thing when a ball gets stuck in a tree, and you throw another ball at it and that ball gets stuck too? And then you throw two more balls at it, and those also get stuck in the tree, and then the last three balls all start firing their guns to let you know where they are?

Sure, of course you do, and that’s exactly what happened during recent flooding in New Jersey.

Mitigating Ventilator Shortages With Butt Breathing 

Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

When I read a headline like “A breathing tube through the butt could be an alternative to mechanical ventilators”, I think “OK, but you first”. Still, given the fact that ICUs around the world to have often run out of ventilators due to COVID, this research could one day prove life-saving.

A Superb Shot 

Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Last week, a dildo was discovered attached to the Old Town Gazebo in Eureka, California. This was, of course, a very juvenile prank. Sure, it’s funny, but it’s not really something I’d bother to link.

However, the whole thing was elevated to high art by the pictures captured by “Lost Coast Output”. The fine folks there documented the removal of the sex toy (which was apparently screwed in place), and it gave us this gem:

Such exertion! It’s majestic.

The Atheist Chief Chaplain 

Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Greg Epstein is a Humanist, which means he embraces “a secular, values-based philosophy that focuses on people’s relationships with each other instead of with god”. For years, he’s served as the Humanist chaplain for Harvard University, which is a somewhat strange title for someone who doesn’t believe in god. Now, thanks to a recent promotion, things will be even stranger. The atheist will be the chief chaplain for the entire university. In that role, he’ll manage over 40 other chaplains representing more than 20 different religions and other traditions.

Eat Fast, Die Young, and Leave a Bloated Corpse 

Monday, August 30th, 2021

A recent study has claimed that every hot dog you eat takes 36 minutes off your life. That means that American hero Joey “Jaws” Chestnut has lost over a year of his life, just to wieners.

I Suppose Cars Might Be a Decent Source of Iron

Friday, August 27th, 2021

In and around Detroit, an organization named “Mother Waddles” advertises their car donation program heavily.1 Through this program, one can donate a vehicle that’s no longer needed to Mother Waddles, and receive a tax deduction in return. Mother Waddles will then sell or scrap the vehicle and use the proceeds to help those most in need.

That’s a fine idea. However, I found the billboards they use to be somewhat problematic.

A billboard that reads “Donate a car, provide shelter”, with a photograph of a man holding a sign that reads “Homeless”.

Particularly because of the included photograph, I can’t help but interpret this as stating “We’re going to give your donated car to the homeless, who will use it as shelter”. That’s a terrible way to read it, and it would likewise be a terrible plan. Nevertheless, I saw this billboard frequently on a recent trip through the Motor City, and each time that was the thought which came to mind.

As such, you can imagine how taken aback I was when I spotted this alternate version:

A billboard that reads “Donate a car, feed the hungry”, with a man eating something

Even beggars can be, and should be, choosier than that.


Footnotes:

  1. The organization’s namesake, Charleszetta “Mother” Waddles, seems to have been a tremendous force for good in the world.

    For over four decades, the Reverend Charleszetta Waddles, affectionately known as “Mother Waddles,” devoted her life to providing food, hope, and human dignity to the downtrodden and disadvantaged people of Detroit. Founder, director, and spiritual leader of the Mother Waddles Perpetual Mission, Inc., a nonprofit, nondenominational organization run by volunteers and dependent on private donations, Waddles believed that the church must move beyond religious dogma to focus on the real needs of real people.

    Nevertheless, her name is rather comical. ↩︎

The Time Has Come for Octopus Ultimate Frisbee 

Thursday, August 26th, 2021

Recently, scientists have observed octopuses propelling objects at other octopuses. In particular, female octopi seem prone to fending off unwanted attention from males by throwing at them. Between this and the spite punching, I’m not sure I could like octopodes more.1

As for the title of this post, it comes from this bit of the article:

On one occasion, the researchers did see an octopus throw a shell at – and hit – another octopus by flinging it with a tentacle like a frisbee, rather than by propelling material with its siphon.

I’m waiting, science.


Footnotes:

  1. They’re all valid plurals, and I refuse to pick a side. ↩︎

Come Ride the Spine Snapper 

Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

The world’s fastest-accelerating roller coaster has been taken out of service because it’s been breaking the bones of its riders.

Since December, at least six riders sustained bone fractures after riding “Do-Dodonpa,” a roller coaster that goes at “super death” speed in the country’s popular Fuji-Q Highland Park, the park’s operator said.

The ride apparently goes from 0 to 112 miles per hour in just 1.56 seconds, which sounds awful. Investigators aren’t sure exactly what’s causing the injuries, which have included broken necks and backs. Yikes.

That Seems About Right 

Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

The ridiculously named “Cyber Ninjas” have been conducting what has generously been called an “audit” of ballots in the 2020 presidential election in Arizona. There’s no evidence of any chicanery during last year’s election, but they’re still hoping to sow distrust and doubt in the fairly won presidency of Joe Biden. It’s a truly shameful effort, and it’s going to go on at least a little while longer. While a full report of this ludicrous display of dipshittery was due yesterday, it’s been delayed, because three of the five Ninjas have contracted severe cases of COVID-19.