Don’t Do the Dew 

Friday, July 29th, 2022

Long (very long) time readers may remember the mistake I made in trying trying Four Loko. In a similarly comedic vein, Geraldine DeRuiter recently tried 21 flavors of Mountain Dew for some reason.

You are probably saying to yourself, “I did not know so many flavors of Mtn Dew existed.” That is a reasonable response. If someone can name more than three flavors of Mtn Dew off the top of their head, they probably aren’t fit to live in society. What I’m saying is that this project has ruined me.

Hey, at least it was far less expensive than not eating at Bros.

Being a Lifeguard Is Like Riding a Bike, Right? 

Thursday, July 28th, 2022

Just when she thought she was out, they pulled Robin Borlandoe back in for one last heist summer of lifeguarding. Over five decades since she last held the job, Borlandoe is once again working to keep swimmers safe, doing her part to alleviate the lifeguard shortage that has resulted in many public pools not being open for citizens to enjoy.

Adios, Choco Taco

Wednesday, July 27th, 2022

Folks, I am sad to report that the Choco Taco is dead. It was perhaps the most novel of ice cream novelties, but now, it’s been ripped away from us at the far-too-young age of 38. Oh cruel Klondike, why do you mock us?

A tweet reading “Unfortunately, the Choco Taco has been discontinued in both 1ct and 4ct packs. Over the past 2 years, we have experienced an unprecedented spike in demand across our portfolio and have had to make very tough decisions to ensure availability of our full portfolio nationwide.”

In truth, while I’ve enjoyed a few Choco Tacos in my life, I was never a die-hard fan. Still, just for fun, I took a little Choco Taco walk(o) earlier today in the hopes of tracking down one last serving of the dessert. Alas, the cupboards were bare. In store after store, I found freezer cases full of ice cream treats, but nary a 🍫🌮 among them.

Ah well. I’d wager some company or another will revive the product in the next 6-24 months, because there’s clearly money to be made and nostalgia to be exploited. At that point, I can snack on one and then be satisfied for many more years or decades.

Alternately, husband of Serena Williams and Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian might be successful in his mission to save the Choco Taco. In another stellar use for AI-generated artwork, Ohanian has already pledged that all marketing artwork will be created by artificial intelligence.

A tweet containing two not very good AI-generated Choco Tacos

One way or another, I look forward to the future of the Choco Taco.

Update (July 29, 2022): A few days later, I did manage to track down a Choco Taco. It was as mediocre-to-decent as ever.

An Embarrassment of Riches 

Tuesday, July 26th, 2022

Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray just signed a massive $230.5 million contract extension. That’s a whole lot of money. And yet, somehow, the contract is a little bit embarrassing. It contains an “independent study requirement”, stipulating that Murray is required to spend four hours studying football each week:

The contract specifically reads: “Player shall not receive any credit for Independent Study with respect to any time periods during which any material is displayed or played on an iPad or electronic device if (a) Player is not personally studying or watching the material while it is being displayed or played or (b) Player is engaged in any other activity that may distract his attention (for example, watching television, playing video games or browsing the internet) while such material is being displayed or played,” per Rapoport.

Something tells me noted obsessive Tom Brady’s contract does not include a provision of this nature. In fact, that contract probably ought to have the reverse, provisions requiring him to spend a few minutes with his family or eat a goddamned tomato.

Anyhow, at least Murray’s contract didn’t specifically mention “viewing pornography”. It’s nice that they went with the more polite phrase of “browsing the internet”.

Intentional Intergenerational Living 

Monday, July 25th, 2022

Around the world, housing prices have been rising faster than many can afford. Rather than accidentally moving into a retirement community, some are intentionally choosing intergenerational living situations. For instance, 27-year-old graduate student Siobhan Ennis is now paying $400 a month (along with some chores) to live in the bottom level of retired physics professor Michael Wortis, who’s old enough to be her great-grandfather.

‘We’ll be friends for life,’ Siobhan Ennis said of her roommate, who is 58 years her senior.

That’s very sweet. But realistically, when talking about an 85-year-old man, that may not mean a whole lot.

AI Takes on Corporate Logos 

Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I’ve previously linked to posts on AI Weirdness that used artificial intelligence to create new candy heart messages and new cereals. Today, let’s have a look at new logos for existing corporations.

A collection of 10 mock Jeep logos, created by artificial intelligence

Buy a Jeeep! Or a Jeper!

You Can’t Even Taste the Sewage 

Thursday, July 21st, 2022

Last month, I wrote about whiskey made (in part) from invasive green crabs. It gets worse, however, with a beer in Singapore being made with recycled sewage water.

“I seriously couldn’t tell this was made of toilet water,” said Chew Wei Lian, 58, who had purchased the beer from a supermarket to try after hearing about it.

Now there’s a ringing endorsement!

“If you don’t tell people it’s made from waste water, they probably won’t know,” said Grace Chen, 52, after sampling the ale.


Introducing Quadball 

Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Many years back, while passing one or another of Boston’s many institutes of higher learning, I saw a group of students running around holding brooms between their legs. I eventually determined that they were playing a real-life version of the game of “Quidditch”, from the Harry Potter books (and movies and theme parks and…).

Instead of flying, the players run with ersatz broomsticks positioned between their legs as they jostle, catch, defend and tackle to score points and win.

College kids playing quidditch (now quadball)

I’m all for new sports, and letting people enjoy things is usually a fine idea. Nevertheless, at the time, I found this more than a little ridiculous. I still do, and I’m just not buying this as a reasonable explanation for the “brooms”:

“The broom adds a layer of skill and complexity to the sport, through a handicap which works the same way you must pass a ball backwards in rugby, or can only kick the ball” in soccer, according to QuidditchUK, the sport’s governing body in Britain.

Anyhow, “quidditch” is now “quadball”, so it’s a little less goofy than it was before.

Don’t Trade With Tampa Bay

Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Most years, the Tampa Bay Rays have one of the lowest payrolls in Major League Baseball. Despite that, they’ve frequently fielded a competitive team, despite playing in the same division as the powerhouse Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees. One way they’ve done this is by finding undervalued players and capitalizing on their skills while they’re still on inexpensive or team-friendly deals. Another way, apparently, is by taking advantage of idiots.

I’m sure many MLB GMs read One Foot Tsunami, and I urge them to heed my advice: If Tampa Bay shows interest in a player, just don’t trade them. They’re probably days away from breaking out as superstars.

Wordle Is Coming to Meatspace 

Monday, July 18th, 2022

Wordle was one of the highlights of 2021, a simple and enjoyable word game that was (mostly) free of the rancor and divisiveness affecting so much of the world. Now, in addition to your digital devices, Wordle is coming to your living room.