Criminals, Don’t Be the Wurst 

“Imagine a huge, gigantic hot dog in the middle of your bay”

Stealing the catalytic converter from the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile is just low, man.

A Firmware Update Is Available for Your Power Cable 

Is it really worth turning charging cables into computers?

Parts of the future are very dumb.

This Is Just Pathetic 

Also, algorithmically sorted content feeds are lousy.

Previously, while discussing Elon Musk’s horrendous mismanagement of Twitter, I referred to him as “an overconfident idiot” and “a colossal freaking moron”. Based on this Platformer report, it seems he’s also an incredibly small man.

Ohio’s Real-Life Airborne Toxic Event 

It would be nice if life imitated more pleasant art.

In 2021, some residents of East Palestine, Ohio served as extras in a movie about a train disaster. Two years later, they’re living the reality.

Bad Buildings Kill 

Zoning (Rest in) Peace

Over 40,000 people in Turkey have died as a result of the recent earthquake. For Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, this is an incredibly bad look.

All The Buns Are Blank

Damn! Remember when these buns had sesame seeds?

On a recent trip to Trader Joe’s, I found myself concerned about my own mental health and well-being. The issue arose when I grabbed some “Classic Hamburger Buns” off the shelf, which I use to handle my burger-related needs, and indeed the needs of all manner of patty-based sandwiches:

Buns without sesame seeds[Photo credit: P. Kafasis]

I’ve purchased this product for many years. The Atomic Age design of the package, particularly the colorful ketchup and mustard, has long brought me joy. However, on this day, I was less than joyful. When I looked carefully at the buns, I found myself concerned. I felt almost as though I had slipped into another dimensions. Something wasn’t right. Something was missing. These buns were wholly unadorned. But…they’d always had sesame seeds on them…hadn’t they?

Flummoxed, I spent an unreasonable amount of time perusing the shelves. I thought perhaps there were two varieties of bun, one with sesame seeds and one without. I came up empty, however. I put the package in the top of my shopping cart and attempted to move on. I distracted myself by thinking about how the cart’s top shelf is a great place to put delicate items, so long as you don’t have a toddler in there. If you do have a toddler in there, it’s probably the absolute worst place to put your delicate items.

I couldn’t shake it though. Those damned buns were missing their sesame seeds, I was sure of it. I marched over to the in-store computer, and attempted to find the product. As I jabbed my finger at that laggy touchscreen, a helpful employee asked if he could assist me instead. I explained the predicament, and I saw his reality give out as well. Now we were both adrift in a sea of confusion.

Fortunately, the store had an internal system he could consult. In just a few seconds, he found a message which gave us our answer. In 2023, the FDA added sesame to their group of major food allergens.1 As a result, TJ’s had indeed denuded their buns. Vindication! With that, I checked out and headed home.

Later, as I tried to describe this unsettling experience to a friend, I tracked down a helpful reference image in an ancient product review:

Buns, with sesame seeds![Photo credit: Brenda Sickles]

Ah, the buns as they once were. Look at them. They look spectacular! If you inspect carefully, you can see that Trader Joe’s tweaked the package every so slightly following the product change. The buns are now described as simply “Soft and slightly sweet”, with the previous text of “topped with sesame seeds” having been removed.

As I imagine some readers will know, the title for this post comes from the late, great Mitch Hedberg. The track “Sesame Seeds”, from his album “Mitch All Together” is surely the greatest 60 seconds of stand-up comedy ever performed on this particular subject. You can listen to the full track here, but here’s a partial transcript:

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”

I flatter myself to think that Mitch and I are a bit alike in having a good, but off-kilter, sense of humor. However, it’s clear that at least in this area, we differ greatly. They took sesame seeds off the market, or at least off one specific product, and I very much cared.


  1. This group was formerly referred to as the “Big 8”. The other items are: milk, eggs, fish, crustacean shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, wheat, and soybeans. ↩︎

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift

Did the world really need another place to buy trash?

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, an ad for “Temu” played several times.1 In it, a woman buys a flurry of products at what I can only describe as disturbingly low prices.

A dress for sale on the Temu app, for $8.99
In 2023, a dress should really cost more than $9.

But what exactly is Temu? The ad was not clear. Is it a fast fashion site? Do they sell used items? I couldn’t figure it out, so I visited the Temu website. In a word, that was a mistake. Though the company had spent millions of dollars on advertising during America’s single biggest night of television, their site was the worst kind of spammy garbage. It had pop-up offers, flashing messages, countdown clocks, and a wide variety of very cheap and very crappy products. Once I ascertained that the company was a reseller of all manner of disposable crap, I quickly left, expecting never to return.

The next day, I found myself inundated with their web ads, likely a result of that initial visit to their site. One particular item being advertised really caught my eye, and led me to open Temu site once again. This is the “Creative Silicone Bicycle Tail Lights, Waterproof Bicycle Accessories Suitable For Night Riding”:

A glowing light which resembles human testicles, hanging from a bike seat
🙊 Barvd

Now you might be thinking “Are those…bike nuts?! Truck nuts…but for a bike?”. I urge you to get your mind out of the gutter. No. Of course they are not glowing bike nuts. Perish the thought!

No, that is clearly a lovely upside-down glowing heart, and it’s just in time for Valentine’s Day. For the low, low price of $3.59, you can show your cycling sweetie how much you care, all while helping them stay safe. I can’t think of anything more romantical.


  1. The ad is archived here. ↩︎


It’s an incredible honor.

Scientists who discovered a new antimicrobial molecule have named it after Keanu Reeves.

“The lipopeptides kill so efficiently that we named them after Keanu Reeves because he, too, is extremely deadly in his roles,” Götze explains with a wink.

This is way better than an Oscar.

That Is Not a Large Hole 

No disrepect intended, Itoh.

In February 2021, a gibbon by the name of Momo gave birth, despite living alone in her enclosure in a Japanese zoo. Two years later, the mystery of her seemingly miraculous pregnancy has been solved. It seems her enclosure wasn’t quite as isolated as zookeepers thought.

According to Wikipedia, multiple health agencies suggested sex along these lines during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Good on these gibbons for listening to guidelines and practicing healthy sex.

One Timer Ought to Be Enough for Anybody

Really, why would anyone ever want two timers?

Maybe some day, in the distant future, humanity will harness the advanced technology necessary to run two timers at the same time.

A request for Siri to set a time for five minutes, to which it replaces “There's already a 1 hour timer. Replace it?”

I hope I’m alive to see it.

Update (February 9, 2023): As reader Miraz J. notes, belying the “dumbwatch” label I’ve given it, the Apple Watch is capable of running two (or more!) timers at once. This feature was actually added in 2021’s WatchOS 8 release, which makes it even more comical that the vastly more powerful iPhone can’t do it in 2023.