Stealing the catalytic converter from the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile is just low, man.
Criminals, Don’t Be the Wurst ∞
“Imagine a huge, gigantic hot dog in the middle of your bay”
Wednesday, February 22nd, 2023
A Firmware Update Is Available for Your Power Cable ∞
Is it really worth turning charging cables into computers?
Tuesday, February 21st, 2023
Parts of the future are very dumb.
This Is Just Pathetic ∞
Also, algorithmically sorted content feeds are lousy.
Monday, February 20th, 2023
Previously, while discussing Elon Musk’s horrendous mismanagement of Twitter, I referred to him as “an overconfident idiot” and “a colossal freaking moron”. Based on this Platformer report, it seems he’s also an incredibly small man.
Ohio’s Real-Life Airborne Toxic Event ∞
It would be nice if life imitated more pleasant art.
Friday, February 17th, 2023
In 2021, some residents of East Palestine, Ohio served as extras in a movie about a train disaster. Two years later, they’re living the reality.
Bad Buildings Kill ∞
Zoning (Rest in) Peace
Thursday, February 16th, 2023
Over 40,000 people in Turkey have died as a result of the recent earthquake. For Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, this is an incredibly bad look.
All The Buns Are Blank
Damn! Remember when these buns had sesame seeds?
Wednesday, February 15th, 2023
On a recent trip to Trader Joe’s, I found myself concerned about my own mental health and well-being. The issue arose when I grabbed some “Classic Hamburger Buns” off the shelf, which I use to handle my burger-related needs, and indeed the needs of all manner of patty-based sandwiches:
[Photo credit: P. Kafasis]
I’ve purchased this product for many years. The Atomic Age design of the package, particularly the colorful ketchup and mustard, has long brought me joy. However, on this day, I was less than joyful. When I looked carefully at the buns, I found myself concerned. I felt almost as though I had slipped into another dimensions. Something wasn’t right. Something was missing. These buns were wholly unadorned. But…they’d always had sesame seeds on them…hadn’t they?
Flummoxed, I spent an unreasonable amount of time perusing the shelves. I thought perhaps there were two varieties of bun, one with sesame seeds and one without. I came up empty, however. I put the package in the top of my shopping cart and attempted to move on. I distracted myself by thinking about how the cart’s top shelf is a great place to put delicate items, so long as you don’t have a toddler in there. If you do have a toddler in there, it’s probably the absolute worst place to put your delicate items.
I couldn’t shake it though. Those damned buns were missing their sesame seeds, I was sure of it. I marched over to the in-store computer, and attempted to find the product. As I jabbed my finger at that laggy touchscreen, a helpful employee asked if he could assist me instead. I explained the predicament, and I saw his reality give out as well. Now we were both adrift in a sea of confusion.
Fortunately, the store had an internal system he could consult. In just a few seconds, he found a message which gave us our answer. In 2023, the FDA added sesame to their group of major food allergens.1 As a result, TJ’s had indeed denuded their buns. Vindication! With that, I checked out and headed home.
Later, as I tried to describe this unsettling experience to a friend, I tracked down a helpful reference image in an ancient product review:
[Photo credit: Brenda Sickles]
Ah, the buns as they once were. Look at them. They look spectacular! If you inspect carefully, you can see that Trader Joe’s tweaked the package every so slightly following the product change. The buns are now described as simply “Soft and slightly sweet”, with the previous text of “topped with sesame seeds” having been removed.
As I imagine some readers will know, the title for this post comes from the late, great Mitch Hedberg. The track “Sesame Seeds”, from his album “Mitch All Together” is surely the greatest 60 seconds of stand-up comedy ever performed on this particular subject. You can listen to the full track here, but here’s a partial transcript:
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”
I flatter myself to think that Mitch and I are a bit alike in having a good, but off-kilter, sense of humor. However, it’s clear that at least in this area, we differ greatly. They took sesame seeds off the market, or at least off one specific product, and I very much cared.
Footnotes:
This group was formerly referred to as the “Big 8”. The other items are: milk, eggs, fish, crustacean shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, wheat, and soybeans. ↩︎
Keanumycins ∞
It’s an incredible honor.
Monday, February 13th, 2023
Scientists who discovered a new antimicrobial molecule have named it after Keanu Reeves.
“The lipopeptides kill so efficiently that we named them after Keanu Reeves because he, too, is extremely deadly in his roles,” Götze explains with a wink.
This is way better than an Oscar.
That Is Not a Large Hole ∞
No disrepect intended, Itoh.
Friday, February 10th, 2023
In February 2021, a gibbon by the name of Momo gave birth, despite living alone in her enclosure in a Japanese zoo. Two years later, the mystery of her seemingly miraculous pregnancy has been solved. It seems her enclosure wasn’t quite as isolated as zookeepers thought.
According to Wikipedia, multiple health agencies suggested sex along these lines during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Good on these gibbons for listening to guidelines and practicing healthy sex.
One Timer Ought to Be Enough for Anybody
Really, why would anyone ever want two timers?
Thursday, February 9th, 2023
Maybe some day, in the distant future, humanity will harness the advanced technology necessary to run two timers at the same time.
I hope I’m alive to see it.
Update (February 9, 2023): As reader Miraz J. notes, belying the “dumbwatch” label I’ve given it, the Apple Watch is capable of running two (or more!) timers at once. This feature was actually added in 2021’s WatchOS 8 release, which makes it even more comical that the vastly more powerful iPhone can’t do it in 2023.