Instagram Face 

Friday, December 27th, 2019

The rising popularity of plastic surgery is more than a little horrifying.

Interview with the Zuckerbot 

Thursday, December 26th, 2019

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has declined to speak with the Guardian, so they built a Zuckerbot to interview instead.

Madison, the Superfluous Reindeer

Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

On a recent trip on the subway, I saw someone with a Christmas gift bag that made me very confused. I snapped a quick pic, but I didn’t want to be a total creeper, so it’s not great:

It’s blurry, but you should still be able to make out the fact that Santa’s sleigh is being pulled by 12, count them, 12 reindeer. I had to find out more.

Realizing that my subway stop was very close to a Paper Source store, I was able to find the product in question. Here’s a better picture of their “Snow Covered Street” bag:

As a result, I now have some questions for Paper Source.

Questions for Paper Source About These “Snow Covered Street Medium Gift Bags”:

  • Just how many reindeer do you think there are? We know the answer, and the answer is eight. We know all of their names. Dasher, Dancer, and Prancer, Vixen, Cupid, Comet, Donner, and Blitzen. Eight.

  • Are you counting Rudolph? Alright, then it’s nine.

  • Would you like help getting to ten? Fine. I’ve also heard of “Olive”, as in 🎶 Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names 🎶. It requires some clever/awful wordplay, but we’ll let you have it. Even with those two additions, you reach only a very shaky ten. As well, it’d mean you’ve got Rudolph in-line (rather than leading the pack), and without his distinguishing feature.

  • So, what are the names of the other two reindeer? I’ll say they’re “Madison” and “Logan”. Let’s go with some trendy-ass names for these ridiculous, superfluous reindeer.

  • Isn’t it likely that the average gift weight has decreased in recent years? Solid wood was replaced by plastics, and electronics have gotten smaller and lighter every year. Given that, Santa’s sleigh has surely gotten lighter. Is Santa now using more reindeer even as less energy is required, in some sort of make-work job scenario?

  • Alternately, has Santa, recently gained weight, like so many people? And as a result, are more magical flying reindeer necessary to get the sleigh off the ground?

In closing, those reindeer lack antlers and kind of look like dogs.

Denny’s Grand Slam 

Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

For one night, thanks to one ridiculous 17-year-old, an Orange County Denny’s was the coolest rock club on the planet.

Merry Whatevs

Monday, December 23rd, 2019

Last year, I attended a delightful holiday party co-hosted by my friend Susie S. This party included a cinema light box with rearrangeable letters, the kind you’ve likely seen at some point in the past few years.

I decided to craft this message:

A sign reading 'Merry Whatevs'
Please note the use of the champagne emoji

This was an inclusive message, for any and all to be merry at the end of the year, regardless of what holidays one celebrates. I was thus quite surprised when it created a most ridiculous controversy, after Susie posted it to her Facebook page. As I have no desire to brew a further tempest in this teapot, I won’t link to the thread in question. However, I will share some choice quotes (all presented as they were posted, with typographical errors preserved).

  • [W]hy would you even repost something like this I respect your religion and I respect my religion

  • As a Christian, this is offensive. It’s not like we say “Merry Hanukkah, or Merry Kwanza”….no… we say “Happy Hanukkah or Happy Kwanza.” This is directly related to Christmas. And it is taking Christ out of Christmas 😞 please reconsider this as your cover photo. It is harboring negativity and anger in our country.

I was truly taken aback by these responses. Two different Christians seemed to feel they owned the word “merry”. That was really something to me. Frankly, it was terribly difficult to wrap my head around the idea of someone going through life so privileged, and so oblivious to that privilege, that they could believe someone using the word “merry” is offensive. And yet, there we were. There we all were.

Fortunately, many additional folks came in to defend this goofy thing which should have needed no defending.

  • This isn’t mentioning any religion at all. If anything I think it reads as “Enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate.” by saying MerryWhatever.

  • I find it kind and inclusive and joyful. Merry is a word that belongs to everyone.

  • It’s lighthearted. Some of the people at the party don’t have religious affiliations, I’m sure. ” Merry” is not a Christian word. In fact in merry old England the phrase they’ve always used is “Happy Xmas” not “merry”.

  • If your faith is threatened by someone’s greeting, then you may need to reexamine your faith and/or religious choices.

  • Love this! I want one! Inclusive and also highlighting the exhaustion of the holiday season!

  • I think it’s cheerful and inclusive, and doubly that it’s a damn shame folks don’t take it in the obvious holiday spirit with which it was intended.

Despite what a few ridiculous blowhards have been spouting on television for years, there’s not actually a war on Christmas. However, I’m now starting a war for “Merry”. After this incident, I’ve determined to apply merry to everything I can. So Merry Hanukkah! Merry New Year! Merry Martin Luther King Day!

Merry Whatever, everyone!

Airplane Pods 

Friday, December 20th, 2019

Airplane seats are terrible, and only getting worse. Things don’t have to be that way.

Impeached President Donald Trump 

Thursday, December 19th, 2019

Yesterday evening, the US House of Representatives voted in favor of two articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump. The articles of impeachment charge Trump with abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, in relation to his withholding crucial military aid from Ukraine to pressure the country for personal favors.

Despite a mountain of evidence, not a single registered Republican in the House had the backbone to put country over party. There’s little hope we’ll see better from the Senate, where a 67 senator supermajority would need to vote to remove Trump from office, and Republicans hold control. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has stated outright that he’s “not an impartial juror”, despite the fact that he must soon swear an oath to be impartial. It is likely Trump will be acquitted in 2020, and this nightmare will continue for at least one more year.

Nevertheless, this impeachment is important. Regardless of the outcome in the Senate, these articles of impeachment signal that illegal and unconscionable behavior by officials is dangerous for the perpetrator, and unacceptable to the system. I hope to be pleasantly surprised by a Senate that does what it clearly ought to do, but I doubt very highly that that’s what will happen. Still, at the very least, Donald Trump can now forever be referred to as “Impeached President Donald Trump”. It’s not nothing.

Objection, Assumes Facts Not in Evidence 

Wednesday, December 18th, 2019

Attorney Christopher G. Hook went more than a little overboard in threatening opposing counsel. The story of his menacing emails is somewhat disturbing, but the way the Washington Post summarized onne line gave me a good laugh.

  • “Haha,” he said. “F— you crooks.” He then told the attorneys to eat a bowl of male genitalia.

Perhaps. Alternately, he was instructing them to eat a bowl of detectives. Or perhaps he wanted them to consume a bowl of men named Richard.

Emotional Support Bees 

Tuesday, December 17th, 2019

In an effort to expose the ridiculousness of many “emotional support animals”, David Keller registered a swarm of bees.

Thousands of ‘Penis Fish’ Washed Up on a California Beach 

Monday, December 16th, 2019

“Oh come on,” you’re thinking. “Do these “penis fish” really look like a penis?”

A fish that really looks a lot like a human penis.

Yes. Yes they do.