The Greatest Paycheck He Never Earned 

Friday, December 13th, 2019

Adam Ely is doing good work in Oklahoma.

Hip Hip Hooray for They 

Thursday, December 12th, 2019

Three cheers for the singular “they”, Merriam-Webster’s 2019 Word of the Year.

The Unknown Avian Haberdasher 

Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

In Las Vegas, someone is putting tiny cowboy hats on pigeons.

This is wrong, but you do have to admit the birds are making those hats work.

We Pay All Court Fees 

Tuesday, December 10th, 2019

Apparently, automated systems are scanning Twitter and creating copyright-infringing commercial products based on what they find. So, when an artist posts an image and someone replies “I want this on a shirt”, the bots make that so. A few (no doubt low-quality) shirts get sold, but the original artist is cut out of the loop.

After discovering these bizarre tip-offs, artists are weaponizing Disney and other huge corporations to fight back.

Just Stop Hiring Steve Harvey 

Monday, December 9th, 2019

Back in 2015, Miss Universe host Steve Harvey accidentally announced the wrong country as the winner of the beauty pageant. In 2019, there’s been another snafu.

Reservations About Reservation Systems

Friday, December 6th, 2019

For many years, I’ve used various services to make restaurant reservations online. It’s convenient to be able to book a table in just a few clicks, rather than attempting to once again spell “K-A-F-A-S-I-S” over a crummy cell phone connection. However, in the past year or two, I’ve started to become annoyed with even this process. A change has occurred, and I now frequently receive reminders about the reservation I myself made. These unnecessary reminders can come from the restaurants in question, as well as the services they use to manage reservations.

I work hard to be an organized individual. I use a digital calendar which syncs across my devices. Events on this calendar often have alarms attached to them, to remind me about them ahead of time. Ultimately, if I say I’m going to be somewhere, I’ll be there. It’s highly likely I’ll be there a few minutes before the agreed-upon time, solely so I can avoid getting there late.

All that is to say that when I make a reservation, I add it to my calendar, and then I show up. As a result, I’m mildly annoyed when I get something like this:

This is of course a silly thing to whine about. I clicked exactly one button to confirm my reservation.

Every so slightly more work is necessary for text requests, like this:

Here, I made a seven character reply, which is also pretty manageable on a good day.

The most annoying confirmations, however, have been via phone call. I avoid using my phone as a phone as much as I reasonably can. Heck, that’s why I book these reservations online. But because some people are flakes, all of us are punished. That sort of collective punishment is a violation of the Geneva Conventions, and yet here we are. Here we all are.

Ultimately, these confirmation requests are at most a minor annoyance. I also suspect that if I opted not to confirm things, I’d be just fine showing up. I can’t imagine the restaurant cancelling a reservation for not confirming, though I also don’t want to test that theory.

The newest offense, however, really is beyond the pale. After confirming a reservation the day before via text, I was en route to a dinner when I received this:

A text message saying 'You're due at Pagu in 30 minutes'.

I’m due? No. A library book is due. A baby is due. A customer is not due, even if they’ve made a reservation. If they’re going to be both infantilizing and insulting, they could at least throw me a phony “We can’t wait to see you!” at the end of this terrible message.

Oh, Don’t Worry, She’s Friendly 

Thursday, December 5th, 2019

After Eli Boroditsky struck an animal with his car, he brought it into his vehicle to try and help it.

“I thought it was a German shepherd or a husky,” he said.

Suffice it to say, it was not.

A coyote, which looks very much not like a German shepard or a husky, in the back of Boroditsky's car

Has this man ever even seen a German shepard or a husky? Or, for that matter, a Looney Tunes cartoon?

A Submarine That Doesn’t Fill With Water Seems Superior 

Wednesday, December 4th, 2019

For a car that doesn’t drive, or a submarine whose interior fills with water, a million bucks seems awfully high.

Evaluating the Milk Production of Cows Wearing VR Headsets 

Tuesday, December 3rd, 2019

The Moscow Times is a legitimate news source. Still, it’s hard to fight the feeling that this story is all an elaborate hoax.

It is difficult to believe this is real.


Monday, December 2nd, 2019

In the case of Wet Bandits v. McCallister, Kevin’s in big trouble.