Everything Is Dumb, So Let’s Get Drunk on Roast Beef Vodka

Do curly fries and crinkle fries really have two markedly different flavors?

Here is a sentence which should never have been written:

  • Follow @Arbys and be one of the first to know when Arby’s has more vodka news.

And yet, in 2021, ArbysVodka.com is a real thing that is really happening. Thanks to friends-of-the-site Kelan C. and Kim B., I am aware of this abomination. Now, I’m awakening you to the misery of our reality as well. At noon eastern today, you’ll be able to purchase a bottle of Crinkle Fry or Curly Fry vodka, for just $59.99 (shipping included). Don’t worry if you miss out, as there will be a second “drop” on Monday.

Arby’s Vodka will surely be served at the finest establishments.

Marketing in the modern era seems to consist of little more than smashing words together until you find the right “collab” to go viral on social media. Muppets and insurance! Crocs pots! Dunkin Donuts dog toys! Can you even spot the fake? Now that I’ve seeded the idea, how much longer will we even live in a world where cookware featuring brightly colored rubber handles with holes in them doesn’t exist?

Because I enjoy novelty as much as the next moron, I can’t deny that I’d try Arby’s vodka if someone had it on hand. But am I going to pay $60 a bottle for it? No. No, I am not. No one should. It shouldn’t even exist.