Please take 21 seconds to, well, no, not enjoy, but endure, take 21 seconds to endure the following video. It is an ad featuring figure skater Tara Lipinski for a multi-billion-dollar product which will be revealed shortly:
This commercial has haunted me for days. Just like in the movie It Follows, I can only find relief by screwing you to pass along the curse. Sorry! But hey, we’re in this together now.
Below, I have transcribed all 68 words of nonsense that Lipinski utters:
“The one and only you is the human forged by the path that only you are on. Facing the not-knowing, putting one foot in front of the other. She’s not your trophies. Because our trophies sit on the shelf. It’s the bonds we forge with one another that can guide us to what we’re here to do, and to be who we are: the one and only you.”
Do you have any idea what this ad could possibly be pitching? On my first viewing, I surely did not. I was, however, deeply confused by the repeated pronoun switches. I suppose I still am. You. She. Our. We. Us. You. It’s a real mess!
But let us return to the matter of the actual product being shilled here. Below is the full 60-second ad, which will reveal it:
Every time that voiceover kicks in, I crack up. It’s just nonsense…drivel…blather…inject some botulism to fix your ugly face!
The fact that the ad goes for nearly twice as long to list caveats and side effects is darkly comic in its own right, but it’s that first 20 seconds, Lipinski’s speaking role, that’s really etched itself into my brain. I have accidentally memorized this monologue and worry I may never forget it. I find myself mumbling it at odd times. I fear it is driving me mad.
In the past, I would have marveled at the fact that a person wrote this. I would have been shocked that a professional writer felt this was good enough for a national television commercial. In 2026, however, it’s distinctly possible this drivel was generated by A.I. Still, even in that case, some number of people read it, or heard it, or in the case of Lipinski, spoke it aloud. Those real human beings all tacitly signed off on it by their participation. That’s plenty horrifying on its own.
