Previous “Baseball Bloopers” posts

Coors Marketing’s Home Run

I suppose any baseball fan can appreciate this, not just fans of the regrettable Angels.

Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Last month, baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani cranked a long fly ball in the first inning of a game against the Mets. Though the shot missed being a home run by a few feet, it did break part of a screen at Citi Field.1 In the words of Mitch Hedberg, that’s way more satisfying.2 As you can see below, the screen in question was displaying a beer ad at the time:

A broken screen in a baseball stadium, with a large black square in place of part of the image.Note the large black square above the “C” on the right can.

Shortly after, the savvy marketing team for Coors put up what may have been nothing more than a gag tweet:

A tweet showing a Coors Light can with a blacked out corner and the slogan “Hits the spot.”, as well as the text “Looks like we got a new can design thanks to the best player in baseball. Thoughts?”

The joke went viral, rapidly getting over a million views. Whether it was the plan all along or not, the company then brought the can to life. Somehow finding a way to offer an even worse deal than you get on a brew at a ballgame, Coors provided fans the chance to pay $17 to purchase an empty beer can:

A rendering of the can, stating “Do not open. Does not contain beer. Not for consumption.”

Despite the price, people did just that, so much so that the commemorative item is completely sold out. Sorry, folks who sit in the three-way intersection of the Venn diagram of Coors Light fans, Angels fans, and people who are bad with money:

A rendering of the can, stating “Do not open. Does not contain beer. Not for consumption.”

If you simply must have this can, perhaps you can eventually find one on eBay. Alternately, you might consider just buying yourself a regular six-pack of Coors Light and a black Sharpie.

Footnotes:

  1. The video tied to this tweet is archived here. ↩︎

  2. This joke is also archived. ↩︎

Can Fat Do That? ∞

Or more likely, are the machines just not very good?

Wednesday, August 30th, 2023

A few years back, Major League Baseball mandated that all stadiums have metal detectors to prevent attendees from bringing in weapons. After a recent shooting at a Chicago White Sox game, their effectiveness must surely come into question. It would seem they might need some work.

On Tuesday, ESPN Chicago reporter Peggy Kusinski said that the gun was snuck into the stadium by one of the women who was hit. The shooting was “an accidental discharge” by the woman whose injury was previously identified as “a graze wound.”

“She reportedly snuck the gun in past metal detectors hiding it in the folds of her belly fat,” Kusinski said in a post on X.

On the one hand, that might seem difficult to believe. On the other hand, I attended a baseball game just last night where I was instructed to keep my keys and full-of-metal cell phone in my pocket as I went through the clearly-not-very-sensitive metal detector.

Update (September 5, 2023): When I wrote about this, I made it a particular point to not convey anything here as established fact. Over a week later, there’s still a lack of clarity. One of the women involved denies bringing in a gun, and police have merely said they’re still investigating:

Chicago police earlier Tuesday issued a statement saying the claim that a woman had brought in a gun and suffered a self-inflicted wound was “not released or confirmed by the Chicago Police Department.” Police said the investigation was “still active and ongoing.”

Meanwhile, White Sox sources believe the shots came from outside the park, but of course they’re incentivized to think that.

Hopefully the mystery will be solved eventually.

Money Can’t Buy Taste

Be sure to get the optional death and dismemberment plan.

Friday, July 14th, 2023

Late last year, I bemoaned the relentless encroachment of advertising into every single facet of our lives. At the time, the ads in question were on the uniforms of the Boston Red Sox. Now, the arch-rival Yankees have made their own sacrifice at the altar of capitalism. It, too, is a vile sight:

New York Yankee uniforms with an ugly patch advertising an insurance company on the sleeve
[Link]

🙊 Barvd. I do hope they shot these photos in the bathroom, where there were at least convenient places in which the photographer could get sick.

To my ear, “Starr Insurance” sounds like the small-town shop that might have employed Ned Ryerson, but they’re apparently a massive multi-national firm.1 Now, they’re also the “Signature Partner” of the New York Yankees, with an ugly sleeve patch to prove it. Baseball fans likely know that the Yankees are unique among Major League teams in never putting player names on their jerseys. Later this month, however, there will be one name visible: that of Cornelius Vander Starr.

For nearly half a century, the Yankees have famously had a written “personal appearance policy”. They also seem to have an unwritten “no fun” policy. Here’s a quick recap of what the Yankees do and do not allow:

  • ❌: Beards

  • ❌: Long hair

  • ❌: Alternate “City Connect” jerseys

  • ✅: Advertisements plastered right on the uniform

The team is reportedly receiving $25 million a year from this sponsorship, which is certainly a nice chunk of change. Still, for a franchise valued at over $7 billion (with a “B”), it feels like a decidedly low-rent move.

Footnotes:

  1. While writing this post, I came across a theory about “Groundhog Day” that is just great. ↩︎

An Automatic Strike to End a Game ∞

Just the way the Sox drew it up, I’m sure.

Monday, February 27th, 2023

When the MLB season starts at the end of March, it will feature several rule changes. One of the most notable of those is sure to be the new pitch clock, which requires pitchers to deliver a pitch in a set amount of time and batters to be ready to face it. On Saturday, the rule led to a game ending after an automatic strike was assessed to a slow batter for Atlanta.

It was the situation that every child growing up playing baseball dreams of. Game tied at 6, bottom of the ninth inning, bases loaded and a 3-2 count. Atlanta infielder Cal Conley was at the plate, facing Boston relief pitcher Robert Kwiatkowski. Kwiatkowski stared in for the sign from his catcher and came set to throw a critical pitch on a full count.

Conley was charged an automatic strike for not being ready in time under the new pitch clock rules, and the strike out was called.

…

Not…exactly how kids dreamed of that situation unfolding when playing in the backyard growing up, but this is the new normal in MLB. Thankfully everyone has spring training to get adjusted before this happens in the regular season.

This particular incident is extra silly because spring training games don’t have extra innings, and thus the game simply ended in a tie.

Despite this foolishness, I’m quite excited about the pitch clock. I expect it will speed up game times significantly, particularly given what we saw last seasons in the minor leagues:

To people familiar with the myriad rule changes MLB officials tested in recent years, the pitch clock has long felt like the most foolproof way to rejuvenate the sport. In its first year in use across the minor leagues, it has reduced the average game time from 3 hours 4 minutes in 2021 to 2:36 in 2022, according to MLB data through Sunday. MLB matchups have not averaged a game time that brief since the early 1980s.

Substantially shorter games will be a boon for the sport. I just hope players adapt quickly, so these penalties don’t wind up playing a critical role in big moments.

The Mickey Mantle Letter

* The All-American Boy

Friday, December 2nd, 2022

Today, let’s discuss a truly one-of-a-kind piece of sports memorabilia, which I call “The Mickey Mantle Letter”. Back in 1972, to prepare for a celebration of 50 years at Yankee Stadium, the Yankees asked many former players to share an outstanding experience:

A letter from the Yankees asking Mickey Mantle to share an outstanding experience from Yankee Stadium.

In response, retired superstar centerfielder Mickey Mantle sent back this incredibly obscene reply:

I got a blow job under the right field bleachers by the Yankee Bullpen…It was about the third or fourth inning. I had a pulled groin and couldn't fuck at the time. She was a very nice girl and asked me what to do with the cum after I came in her mouth. I said don't ask me, I'm no cock-sucker. It is signed “Mickey Mantle - The All-American Boy.”

I’ve actually heard this hilariously vulgar story before, but I had no idea there was a physical artifact written in Mantle’s own hand. Now, incredibly, it’s available for sale. The current bid, at time of publication, is $24,826. Despite the sum involved, I hope whoever wins this auction donates the letter to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, where it can be displayed publicly. That belongs in a museum!

As a result of this auction, additional details have come out. However, I’m undecided if I believe them. Give the following a read, and decide for yourself. From the auction listing:

Subsequent to the catalog publication, we were contacted by former New York Yankees executive Marty Appel, who has first-hand knowledge of this letter, which he kindly shared with us:

“I was the Yankees Assistant PR Director then, with Bob Fishel my boss. We wrote to many ex-Yankees for a 1973 50th anniversary Yearbook feature on ‘greatest memory.’ That is my handwriting on ‘Dear Mickey’ and ‘Bob Fishel.’ Mick’s response is indeed his, in his handwriting, but it was meant to shock the very straight-laced Bob Fishel on whom he was always playing practical jokes. The item is authentic, but the intent was bawdy humor, not depiction of a real event. I called Mick when I received it and said, ‘We’re going with the Barney Schultz home run in 1964’ and he laughed and said ‘Of course.’ I held the letter for decades (never showed Bob Fishel), finally gave it to Barry Halper, and from there it slipped off to others over time.” – Marty Appel.

Is Marty Appel covering for Mickey Mantle or was the Mick really pulling a hell of a dirty prank? Is this a valiant attempt at whitewashing a hero’s legacy, or just the truth about a good joke? Honestly, I’m not sure which I’d prefer. The “PERSONAL” Mantle scribbled on the return envelope does lend a bit of credence to the idea that this was a farce, rather than the act of a man who simply did not give a fuck.

Still, I find myself not entirely convinced. If this was indeed a bit of tomfoolery, then Appel’s claim that he never showed his boss the letter is an absolute crime. At least the rest of the world eventually got to see.

Previously in auctions for inappropriate Mickey Mantle Memorabilia: A Valuable Apology

Boston Uniforms, Gross and Fly

It would be nice to have more cool designs and fewer ads.

Thursday, December 1st, 2022

In the continued quest to put advertising in every conceivable place, Major League Baseball teams are now permitted to sell placement on their actual uniforms. Back in April, the Padres were the first team to announce a partnership, one which will feature hilariously large Motorola patches. Sadly, my hometown Red Sox have now joined this vulgar parade.

A Red Sox uniform with an unseemly ad patch on one sleeve.

In a word: Yuck. In an emoji: 🙊. Though MassMutual is a Massachusetts-based insurance company with 170+ years of history in the Bay State, they simply don’t belong on the team’s uniform. No one does. Alas, I have little doubt that this scourge is coming for the rest of the league as well.

In better uniform news, friend-of-the-site Casey L. and I were recently discussing mock-ups for alternate jersey for the Boston Celtics. He had found a fun jersey design created by a fan:

A Celtics jersey mockup, showing the colored lines of Boston’s subway system, as well as the system’s “T” logo.
[Image via @petemrogers]

This design plays off of Boston‘s public transit system (known as “The T”), including our four colored subway lines, two of which (Orange and Green) meet at North Station where the Celtics play. It’s a very nice idea. Unfortunately, it wasn’t an original one. I had actually seen and enjoyed this same image a day or two earlier, before learning that it was actually a fairly obvious knock-off of another artist’s better design:

A better Celtics jersey mockup, also showing the colored lines of Boston’s subway system, as well as the system’s “T” logo.
[Image via Reddit]

Happily, when “timbo_sport” came to defend their honor, it led me to check out more of their work. That brought me to my favorite design yet, their “Cutting Edge”:

A wonderful Celtics jersey mockup, showing the lines and towers of the Zakim Bridge.

This gorgeous design subtly references the cables and towers of the Zakim Bridge, which sits directly next to TD Garden, the Celtics’ home arena. Living just down the street, I’ve captured a number of decent pictures of this bridge. However, this (slightly cropped) 2013 shot from Eric Kilby does a superior job of showing both the bridge and the Garden:


[Photo credit: Eric Kilby]

Built as part of Boston’s infamous Big Dig, the Zakim was at one time the world’s widest cable-stayed bridge, and it remains an icon for the city. Paying homage to it on the Celtics uniform would be delightful. Maybe some day.

From an ad-marred shame, to a decent image that turned out to be a knock-off, to the original creator’s better execution, to the above masterpiece, it was quite a uniform roller coaster. Of course, I’ll be forced to see the livery I most disliked all season next year, while the looks I enjoyed most don’t actually exist. A man can dream, though. A man can dream.

The Great Potato Capers ∞

You say ‘Potato’, the umpire says ‘Ejected’

Friday, September 2nd, 2022

The Williamsport Crosscutters, a minor league baseball team, recently rebranded for one night. Their temporary new name was “The Potato Capers”.

An image of the Potato Capers jerseys
[Image courtesy of the Williamsport Crosscutters]

Why? Well, it was the 35th anniversary of what is perhaps the single most ridiculous pranks I can recall hearing of in (semi-)professional sports.

Don’t Trade With Tampa Bay

It's a safe bet that they’re smarter than you are.

Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Most years, the Tampa Bay Rays have one of the lowest payrolls in Major League Baseball. Despite that, they’ve frequently fielded a competitive team, despite playing in the same division as the powerhouse Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees. One way they’ve done this is by finding undervalued players and capitalizing on their skills while they’re still on inexpensive or team-friendly deals. Another way, apparently, is by taking advantage of idiots.

I’m sure many MLB GMs read One Foot Tsunami, and I urge them to heed my advice: If Tampa Bay shows interest in a player, just don’t trade them. They’re probably days away from breaking out as superstars.

Welcome to the Bigs ∞

Sometimes a game’s a stinker, but it can still be fun.

Monday, July 4th, 2022

Baseball has all manner of statistics to track the performance of players. You might have heard of the unfortunately ever-more-rare “quality start”, wherein a pitcher goes 6+ innings and gives up 3 or fewer runs. Today, you can learn about its opposite, the “quantity shart”.

It’s a Safe Bet That the Rangers Weren’t Stealing Signs ∞

Take a pitch, guys.

Friday, June 17th, 2022

As most folks know, in baseball, it’s one, two, three strikes and you’re out. A strikeout is a fairly common way for an at bat to end, occurring many times each game. Striking out the side is a rarer event, wherein a pitcher strikes out all three batters they face in an inning.1 Much, much rarer still is an “immaculate inning”, which occurs when a pitcher throws nine straight strikes and strikes out all three batters. In Major League Baseball’s history of millions of innings, just over 100 of them have been immaculate.

Earlier this week, the Houston Astros managed not one, but two, immaculate innings in one game. Hapless Texas Rangers Nathaniel Lowe, Ezequiel Duran, and Brad Miller went down on nine straight strikes in the second inning, for the 107th immaculate inning of all time. Then, incredibly, the very same batters did the same in the seventh for the 108th, and most recent, immaculate inning.

They say that every time you go to the ballpark, you’re going to see something you’ve never seen before. If you were a Rangers fan at the game on June 15, 2022, you saw something no one’s ever seen before, and it wasn’t great for you.

Footnotes:

  1. Wikipedia states: “There is a disagreement as to the exact definition of striking out the side. Some feel a pitcher should be credited with striking out the side when all three outs in the inning were obtained via the strikeout, regardless of what other hitters that the pitcher has faced have done.” Those people are wrong.↩︎

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