At Least He Can Still Go to the Same Church

Wednesday, August 26th, 2015

We open with a montage of newspaper articles, quickly showing JIMMY McGINTY’s criminal arc.

JIMMY is caught.
(“NOTORIOUS MOB KILLER JIMMY McGINTY ARRESTED!”)

He turns state’s evidence and aids the prosecution.
(“McGINTY TESTIFIES AGAINST LEFTY HANNIGAN”)

The trial brings down the last vestiges of the Boston Mafia.
(“LEFTY HANNIGAN SENTENCED TO LIFE”)

Finally, he disappears.
(“WHERE IS JIMMY McGINTY NOW?”)

CUT TO:

INT. STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Open on the CHEF, a older man with pale, freckled skin and bright red hair noticeably peeking out from under his chef’s hat. He is wearing an apron and a bushy mustache that is quite clearly fake.

The CHEF approaches—

A TABLE dressed in a red checkered tablecloth, with a candle lit atop it.

—Where a lone female CUSTOMER, sits wearing a simple gray dress. She is persuing the menu.

CHEF
(in a ridiculously over-the-top Italian-American accent — think “It’sa me, Mario!”)
Buonasera, bella! What-a you like-a to have tonight?

CUSTOMER
(hesitant)
Well, I’m not sure. I thought this was an Italian restaurant…

CHEF
(with delight)
Oh, sì, sì! It is, it is!

CUSTOMER
(still hesitant)
But I don’t recognize any of these dishes. “Black pudding”? “Limerick Ham”? “Corned Beef and Cabbage”, now that’s an Irish dish!

CHEF
(shaken, slips into a very real Irish-American accent)
Ah, no, no, cailín
(Quickly recovering his over-the-top Italian-American accent)
Err, we Italians have-a that as well! But I-a tell you what. I’m-a gonna make you the specialty of the house! You-a trust me, no? After all, it’sa me, Mario! I own-a this place!

CUSTOMER
(relieved)
Well, alright. That sounds lovely. Thank you, Mario!

MARIO walks quickly to the back, through the inward swinging right kitchen door, then immediately back out the outward swinging left kitchen door with a tray he carries with two hands.

On the tray is a plate which appears to contain a large tortilla covered in chunky tomato soup, with grated orange American cheddar cheese cooked on top. It is a comically poor imitation of Italy’s most famous dish.

MARIO places the tray on the CUSTOMER’S table with a flourish.

CHEF
Buon appetito!

CUSTOMER
(Staring at the plate, extremely hesitant)
Uh…
(Now staring intently at “MARIO”, noticing his red hair and fake mustache)
What do you call this dish, “Mario”?

MARIO
(a ridiculously over-the-top Italian-American accent)
Ah, you are not-a the first person to ask! In fact, a-so many a-people ask, I name-a the restaurant after a-my reply!

PULL BACK TO RESTAURANT EXTERIOR, REVEALING THIS SIGN

That'sa Pizza!


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