I Am Not a Good Reference

Thursday, July 16th, 2009

My good friends the Sheltons are moving out of Boston and I’d much rather they stayed. Despite their knowledge of this, they’ve foolishly used me as a reference on their rental applications. A sampling of what I’ve enthusiastically told callers thus far:

  • Oh, sure, the Sheltons are great neighbors! Do you like porn? Because they’ve got a comprehensive collection, and they’re very generous when it comes to sharing. They’ve got all kinds too. Women, men, little people, goats, you name it.

  • For a recently-married couple, the amount of loud sex they have is probably only slightly above average!

  • If you ever need to borrow a power tool, the Sheltons will happily oblige. Just make sure you’ve got some bleach. OK, a lot of bleach.

  • They’re quiet, average folk who keep to themselves. They seem perfectly innocent and no one will ever suspect them of anything, until it’s much too late.

  • Sheltons? Never heard of ’em!

I am not a good reference.

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