I Am Not a Good Reference

My good friends the Sheltons are moving out of Boston and I’d much rather they stayed. Despite their knowledge of this, they’ve foolishly used me as a reference on their rental applications. A sampling of what I’ve enthusiastically told callers thus far:

  • Oh, sure, the Sheltons are great neighbors! Do you like porn? Because they’ve got a comprehensive collection, and they’re very generous when it comes to sharing. They’ve got all kinds too. Women, men, little people, goats, you name it.

  • For a recently-married couple, the amount of loud sex they have is probably only slightly above average!

  • If you ever need to borrow a power tool, the Sheltons will happily oblige. Just make sure you’ve got some bleach. OK, a lot of bleach.

  • They’re quiet, average folk who keep to themselves. They seem perfectly innocent and no one will ever suspect them of anything, until it’s much too late.

  • Sheltons? Never heard of ’em!

I am not a good reference.