Things I Learned From a Baby’s First Birthday Party and Associated Toys

  • Placing an item on a kitchen grill will create a pleasant sizzling noise. This includes body parts such as the palm.

  • Airplane propellors can be easily stopped with the hand, without injury.

  • Far from being made by a mixture of hot air and corn kernels, popcorn is actually made by pushing a small two-wheeled plastic cart.

  • Kids love the beard. To these toddlers? I’m like some kind of crazy dog who can talk.

  • Infants are ungrateful little jerks who don’t even have the common decency to say “Thank you” when they’re given awesome gifts like sweet-ass trucks that even a fully-grown adult would love to play with.