Things I Learned at My Local Sporting Goods Store

  • It’s not sporting to play with things like footballs or hockey pucks, which aren’t sold at this sporting goods store. It is sporting to shoot guns and crossbows, which are sold here.

  • If man-made nest boxes are available, wood ducks will gladly use them.

  • The Remington Model 887™ Nitro Mag is an armor-clad warrior for the most extreme conditions on earth.

  • Go on, shoot them right in their feathery little faces!

  • In total, the free 2010 calendar provided by Remington with all purchases features 12 different pictures of majestic animals that customers will enjoy killing.

  • They will brook no “Happy Holidays” in my local sporting goods store, where I was wished an emphatic “Merry Christmas”. They’re going to win that damned war on Christmas, one customer at a time.