Over at The Awl, Stephany Aulenback details her experience making apple pie without the apples.
Then add the Ritz crackers. Boil for 3 minutes, resisting the overwhelming urge to stir them and break up all the lumps. You will need the lumps later, when you want people think they are chunks of cooked apple.
It’s awful, and yet if not for my overwhelming laziness, I might briefly consider making this.