I Have Always Depended on the Kindness of Major Corporations

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

The eastern seaboard of the United States is getting battered by Hurricane Sandy, one of the largest storms on record. Yet I do not fear, for my favorite companies and services are here in my hour of need. Witness:

Wells Fargo

Wells Fargo Email

In an oddly-formatted email, Wells Fargo is letting me know that they’re helpfully waiving some fees for three whole days. It beats a kick in the teeth, I suppose, but I can’t say ATM fees were at the top of my list of concerns. Perhaps it would be nice to send this fee waiver after the fact. Still, they’ve got a phone number that’s up 24/7 in case of financial questions which need to be answered.

American Express

American Express email

American Express, meanwhile, has offered a brief note of concern for my well-being, and a vague promise of assistance as needed. If that help is needed, I should just call, visit their website, or tweet at them. I should definitely not, however, email them, as that would obviously be a ridiculous way to communicate. Of course American Express cares about me though. After all, if I die, who the hell is going to pay my credit card bill?

USAA

USAA Email

Despite the lousy grammar of the second sentence, I do believe my insurance company USAA wants the best for me, as it’s also the best for their bottom line. Even through that cynical lens, though, their message was earnest and believable, and their tips helpful.

Comcast

At the other end of the spectrum comes an email from one of the most-hated companies in the country. You can see by the extremely personal opening exactly how much of a damn Comcast gives:

Comcast Email

I’ve always believed I could count on my Internet and cable provider in times of need, but it’s nice to get this written confirmation. It’s clear they’re much more than just the company that gouges me each month; they’re the company that cares about me, and wants me to live a long life so that they can continue gouging me each month. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just be waiting for my disaster assistance between the hours of 9 AM and 3 PM.


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