Barvd: 2013 in Review

Friday, January 17th, 2014

I was born by the river, in a little tent, and just like the river I’ve been barfing ever since. Yes, this installment of Barvd is a long, long time coming. We went through all of 2013 without a proper edition of Barvd, which almost certainly explains that hole you feel in your very being. However, just because a collection wasn’t published doesn’t mean the nauseating tweets and more weren’t being collected. So, herein, a retrospective showing the most vile post of each month of 2013.

January

I didn't respond to a catcaller today so he blew a snot rocket at me.
@ems

Was that an expression of dismissal, or just the catcaller’s second try?

February

I guess we should probably change the saying to 'I’m so hungry I could eat a horse on purpose'.
@sween

Ah, horsemeat jokes. Mostly forgotten now, yes, but topical and nauseating back in February 2013. With the horsemeat scandal long past, the question is, what are you eating now?

March

Another one of my dad's colorful expressions, said of an unattractive person: 'he looks like he's sewn together from ballsacks.'
@mrgan

It’s not actually possible to sew a person together from ballsacks, but rest assured, science is working on it.

April

If they can do all those gross violence things to the zombies on Walking Dead, maybe we can get a zombie nip slip as well?
@scottsimpson

Despite the grossness of a zombie nipple, it’s Mr. Simpson’s hopefulness that’s truly revolting.

May

When Beef Wellington's on a bagel, you can eat Beef Wellington anytime!
@meowrey

No! No you cannot! Not in the morning, nor in the evening, nor at supper time.

Also, if you didn’t grow up in America during the 90s, this handy reference will likely help.1

June

@lexfri I still have flashbacks to the self-serve slushie bar there. Unattended children just sucking on the spigots. Never again.
@amyjane

This was referring to a Sesame Street-themed amusement park aimed at young kids, which you’d have to assume is already a super bacteria breeding ground. Kids nursing from slushie spigots, however, is beyond the pale.

July

'No, half lemonade half iced tea is an Arnold Palmer. A Tom Arnold is half lemonade half Hormel chili.'
@badbanana

A Tom Arnold would probably look pretty much the same coming back up as it did going down.

August

Apparently, no one triggered my gag reflex in the month of August, and that’s perhaps the most sickening thing of all. Let’s move on.

September

'What is it about yoga mats that just attract lint constantly?'*picks up lint**lint turns out to be a live spider*
@eyemadequiet

Krang! Just reading that, I let out an involuntary yelp.

October

If a recipe calls for grated cheese and you don't have quite enough, don't worry! The grated knuckle will totally make up the difference.
@Erin_Murph

Can the health department be called to close a kitchen in someone’s house?

November

My long-haired friend Tom woke up with eye pain, realized one of his hairs was wrapped around his eyeball, all the way around it.
@mrgan

This one is so bad, Neven actually prefaced it with a warning. I did not. Hey, you knew what you were getting in to.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@jasonpermenter

There’s only thing fouler than drinking hot “special garlic dipping sauce”, and that’s eating Papa John’s in the first place.

That’s a Wrap

There you have it, “2013: The Year in Disgusting”. Who knows what the coming year holds in store for us? We shall see! If you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Footnotes:

  1. Archived as always. ↩︎