In the fine tradition of “rat adoption”, the Bronx Zoo is offering a special on roach naming. This Valentine’s Day, for just $10, you can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your beloved. Along with the deep satisfaction of knowing a disgusting insect has been named after them, your sweetheart will also receive a fine digital certificate suitable for printing, then later crumpling up and throwing in the recycling bin.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Becky. Get out while you still can.
Perhaps you’re concerned that your lovely lady or gentleman friend may fail to see the incredible romanticism inherent in this present. Fear not! Just use this statement provided by the Wildlife Conservation Society, which explains just how wonderful and thoughtful your gift truly is:
The donation made in your honor will help the Wildlife Conservation Society conserve species big and small, beautiful and damned1. And as creatures known for being resilient, resourceful, and generally quite plentiful, cockroaches are a vital and unforgettable part of our ecosystem. That’s why it’s a great honor to have one named just for you.
That’s sure to go over well. It can’t miss!
Now, you should be aware that these insects live as long as 5 years in captivity. Fortunately, if the bug outlives your relationship (and let’s face it, it probably will), you can request that your cockroach be stepped on with a boot.2
Footnotes:
I have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I guess even species headed for hell deserve conservation efforts, sure. But what species are “damned”, exactly, and by whom? ↩︎
This is not part of the donation, and I don’t imagine they’ll actually do it, but you can always request it. ↩︎
