Protecting What’s Important

Thank god someone is thinking of the logs and lumber in all of this.

As discussed last week, our inboxes are being deluged with COVID-19 related emails. From financial institutions telling me all about the marvels of online banking to hotels I haven’t stayed at in years assuring me they’ve got a room for me, every company I’ve ever even looked at wants to let me know that we’re all in this together.

Behind each of these emails, there’s a tremendously misguided marketer responsible for sending it. I like to picture them sitting, sweating, terrified at the idea of a customer one day thinking “Hey! I just realized LensCrafters never checked in on me during the pandemic! Those insensitive jerks!”.

Since mid-March, I’ve been running an informal contest to find the absolute most ridiculous emails sent in relation to COVID-19. I’ve spotted some good ones myself, and friends have provided more. Most recently, friend-of-the-site Quentin C. submitted a real doozy. The subject gets us off to a great start: “Protecting Logs and Lumber in Uncertain Times”.

Oo, tell me more, UC Coatings LLC!

During these uncertain times you may find yourself storing logs and lumber longer than usual. This can cause problems leading to degrade and loss, impacting your bottom line. U-C Coatings, the leader in wood protection, is currently operating during the COVID-19 pandemic and we are here for you. We feature a full line of products to help you protect your logs and lumber from checking, staining and splitting, minimizing your risk of loss.

They certainly checked all the boxes, including mentioning “these uncertain times” and letting us know they’re “here” for us. I’m not sure if they’re just letting me know they’re open, or also informing me that I can call them and sob if I need to. I mean, they don’t say I can’t.

It’s difficult for me to imagine the mindset of someone who thinks “We need to remind people to protect their logs!” in the midst of all this. But even if that were necessary, skip the lead-in. Just vaguely mention the economic slowdown, and this would be a lot less tacky. And as for being “here for me”? You’re not here for me! You’re there, for yourselves, to earn money. That’s fine – you’re a business! You can just say “we’re open”.

Have you seen your own amusingly needless email? I invite you to submit your own nomination for “Most Superfluous COVID-19 Email”. Good luck beating “wood protection products” though.