Your Order Has Arrived, Maybe

Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Recently, friend-of-the-site Amy G. was informed of the delivery of a turtleneck poncho from J. Crew.1 Sort of. In an email with the rather ludicrous subject of “Best News Ever: Your order has arrived!”, J. Crew suggests possibilities for where the package might be found:

An email reading “Psst! Check your mailbox, doorstep…wherever!!!

It would seem that we’ve given up entirely on the idea that a delivery person comes, rings the doorbell, and hands us a package. Now, they leave it somewhere, anywhere, and hopefully we’ll be able to find it before it’s stolen by a porch pirate.

However, it gets worse. The next paragraph of the email says

Can’t find your package? Carriers sometimes mark packages as “delivered” when being passed off from one carrier to another. Please allow one additional business day for your package to arrive or reach out to the carrier directly with additional questions.

So this email is essentially pointless. Despite the excessive enthusiasm, J.Crew actually has no idea where the package might be. Worse, despite the presence of a definitive statement, the order may very well not have arrived at all. “Delivered” no longer has any meaning whatsoever.

Meanwhile, their social media team is so excited, they’re speaking in rhymes:

We hope you really, really love it! Share how you wear and pair it by tagging us @jcrew.

Me, I’d really, really love it if, when they don’t have anything useful to say, companies just didn’t say anything.


Footnotes:

  1. That might sound like a ridiculous garment, but she pulls it off! ↩︎


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