Recently, I found myself in an exam room, waiting for my annual physical. As I fought the urge to rifle through the cabinets,¹ I allowed my mind to wander.

Responses I considered for when a doctor knocks on what is effectively their own door²

• “Just a second, I’m not decent!”

• “WHO IS IT?” (Aggressive)

• “Who iiiiiiis it?” (Coquettish)

• “Someone’s in here! Someone’s in here!”, à la John Mulaney in a public bathroom stall³

• <Hurried rustling noises>

• “Yessssss?” Lecherous and/or à la “The Yes Guy” from the Simpsons who had a stroke but might also be a lech⁴, and whose name is, apparently, Mr. Pettigrew

Alas, I ultimately chickened out on all of these. Maybe next time.

Footnotes:

1. Regrettably, this delightful-if-I-do-say-so-myself episode of “The Talk Show” is too ancient to be hosted on the official site. I’ve archived it here. ↩︎

2. Most doctors enter with approximately no pause whatsoever after their knock. To my doctor’s credit, he did wait for acknowledgement before coming in. ↩︎

3. The relevant portion of this clip is archived here. ↩︎

4. Finally, the relevant video is archived here. ↩︎