It’s time for another review of nonsense that’s appeared in my email inbox. Today, we’ve got three distinct offenders.

OpenTable

A recent email from the reservation service had the subject line “Where to book for National Couples Day”. I have to admit that it drew me in, because what in the hell is “National Couples Day”? Couples already have a day, and it’s called Valentine’s Day. They also have at least one anniversary, if not multiple.

National Couple’s Day is on the horizon, and while it may get less hype than Valentine’s Day, everyone benefits from throwing an extra date night on the calendar—even if it’s a friend date. Start your planning with the most romantic tables in Boston.

OK, once you start adding “friend dates” to this, you’ve really lost the plot. Get the hell out of here with this trash, OpenTable, and take your inconsistent apostrophe with you.

Capital One

Ah, yes. Fall is approaching. There’s a crispness to the air. The leaves are changing colors, pumpkin spice is appearing, and scammers are switching up their fraud tactics. What?

I skimmed this email, and I was quite tickled by one of their recommendations. It read “Never send money to someone you’ve never met face to face”. For quite literally decades at my day job, I have been paying people I’ve never met face to face, including one of my co-founders. Have I been getting scammed?

CVS

I recently had an appointment for a flu shot, because despite the beliefs of at least one dope who I can’t believe graduated from a prestigious medical school, science is real. I checked in at CVS around 10:10 AM, and I was back out the door just a few minutes later. It was great.

The email I received two and a half hours later, however, was not:

Please note the timestamp in the upper right corner. I’m a responsible adult with a digital calendar. I don’t need a reminder email for my vaccination appointment, but if I did, it sure ought to arrive before the appointment.

Instead, you already saw me, CVS. And as mentioned above, I did arrive five minutes before my scheduled appointment. Now, it’s over. My arm is a little sore, my immunity is increasing, and we’re done. Just like this post.