Today, please enjoy some litter I picked up while out on a run.

As I passed it, I actually did a double-take, because I couldn’t believe I had seen the Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC) logo on an aluminum can. I ran back to pick it up and examine it, after which I pocketed it and carried it for a few miles so I could photograph it back at home.

I have questions about this product.

QUESTIONS I HAVE ABOUT CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH ICED COFFEE

• Is Victor Allen’s coffee a known brand name?

  I’ve never heard of it, but as the Buy Me A Coffee link currently in the sidebar notes 👉, I don’t actually drink coffee.

• Whose idea was this?

  Between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Victor Allen, there are two distinct brands listed on the front, but there’s nary a tiny × to be seen anywhere. Given that it’s not “Cinnamon Toast Crunch × Victor Allen’s”, I suspect the idea came from some third party. Without that collab-×, it can’t truly be a collab.

  The back of the can indicates it was actually produced by Horseshoe Beverage Company (“Your Partner for Shelf-Stable Ready-to-Drink Coffee, Cold Brew, and Functional Beverages”).

  

  Did Horseshoe simply license the world-famous CTC brand, along with the far lesser-known Victor Allen brand? Did General Mills put them up to this? I would very much like to know the origin of this madness.

• Does naturally flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee exist?

  The packaging reads “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee”, as though it were the most normal thing in the world. “Oh, sure, cinnamon toast iced coffee, right, of course. And now they found a way to use a bit of artificial flavoring to mass produce it, good for them!”.

  I’m tickled at the idea of making real cinnamon toast, and then somehow crumbling it up to use as flavoring for coffee. Report back to me if you try it.

• Wait, doesn’t “iced coffee” require, ya know, ice?

  This product is calling itself “iced coffee”, but until the buyer supplies the ice, it’s really just coffee.

• Where the hell is Chef Wendell in all of this?

  Do you remember that Cinnamon Toast Crunch used to be made by a cartoon baker? My research has revealed that there were originally three bakers (Wendell, Bob, and Quello), though I have no recollection of anyone but Wendell. Wendell appears to have cut the other two out of the business in 1991, but he’s been off-the-grid (and off the box) himself for well over a decade and a half. General Mills has not forgotten him though.

  Frankly, I suspect Wendell might be the man behind the curtain, pulling the strings. Just look at him:

  

  Those are the crazy eyes of a man who’s high on his own supply, mixing Cinnamon Toast Crunch into way too much coffee.

• Why are you doing this?

  Really, just…why? Whoever came up with this, I say to you, “No! Bad! Stop it!”.

You may not want to live in a world where “Artificially flavored cinnamon toast iced coffee” exists. Regrettably, however, it seems that you do.