Things I Learned From the Cell Phones of Obnoxious Jerks

  • Rakesh has his citizenship test on Wednesday.

  • The flight is delayed ten minutes. No, ten minutes. TEN! Look, she’ll call you back.

  • Sprinkles the Religious Clown will certainly delight the children of your parish!

  • Sammy had himself a walk just before the trip, but he didn’t poop. [It was unclear whether ‘Sammy’ was a dog, or a young boy. -Ed.]

  • That is bullshit. No! That is – no. NO. NO. NO. NO! That is BULLSHIT! Hello? HELLO?!