Police Noted

On the web, there are really only two kinds of sites: those with stories about stupid criminals and those with pornography. For visitors who haven’t purchased access to my members-only area, this site is only the former.

Over time, however, stories of dumb criminals tend to run together into one depressing blur of stupidity. What can be more amusing is watching the official reaction to dumb criminals. When dealing with the media and filing their reports, officers must attempt to keep a straight face. Dry humor can be injected into the situation, however, often by simply reporting the facts.

For instance, last year there was a tale of a would-be ninja who wound up impaling himself on a fence. Police spokeswoman Renee Witt detailed the incident, explaining that the man “thought he’d basically be able to jump over this fence, and he didn’t quite make it”. Understated, to say the least. Even better, however, are the incident notes, which read “Clearly he was overconfident in his abilities”.

Meanwhile in Vail, Colorado, a novelty doormat is the source of much amusement. Charles Guadalupe’s doormat read “Come back with a warrant”. “So,” said Lt. Mike William of the Eagle County Sheriff’s Office, “we did”. Guadalupe was subsequently arrested for four cocaine-related charges.

Finally, while only tangentially related, this story is too good to pass up. In Wisconsin, a buck attempted to defend his territory after he spotted a rival deer. Such defense generally consists of head-butting, so the buck charged his rival. Unfortunately for the 180-pound aggressor, he sparred against a 640-pound concrete statue of a deer. Following his death (due to a shattered skull), the game warden’s tag describing how the deer was killed simply read “Lawn ornament fight – lost.”