Ridiculous Products: Fireworks

Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

In the past, my friend and colleague Cabel Sasser has had some great posts about ridiculous fireworks. You can give the posts from 2007, 2008, and 2009 a read. Sadly, Cabel appears to have passed away sometime last fall1, so as a tribute to him, I thought I’d share my own fireworks discoveries.

During a recent trip to West Virginia, my friend Drew and I stopped by Phantom Fireworks, just over the border in Pennsylvania. Due to bizarre state regulations, it’s legal to sell fireworks in Pennsylvania, but Pennsylvania residents may not purchase them. That means that Phantom is open only to out-of-state residents, so in addition to owning the prestigious fireworks.com domain, they have locations at the borders of New Jersey, Maryland, West Virginia, New York, and more.

In the United States, few things are as patriotic as blowing shit up. Indeed, fireworks share a place alongside mom and apple pie, and are enjoyed by Americans from sea to shining sea. However, having never been to a fireworks outlet before, I didn’t really know what to expect. After walking by signs warning severely against smoking and passing a fairly rigorous ID check, we gained access to several dozen aisles of absurd explosives. Here are some of the most ridiculous.

Fight Fire With Fire
Honestly, these are the worst firefighters ever.

Three Wolf Pack
A three wolf explosion – memetastic!

Tankinator
It’s already a tank. It doesn’t need a suffix.

Outer Space Jets
I don’t think you know how jets work.

SkyLab Missile
Ok, I’m sure you don’t know what Skylab was.

Soda Pop Fireworks
Warning: Do not attempt to drink fireworks.

Brew Haha
I enjoy how this one rips off multiple beer logos simultaneously.

Oh god, Drew, no!

US Presidents
There’s something inappropriate about using firecrackers in a salute to Abraham Lincoln, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

There were many more, but one post can only contain so many explosives. If you just can’t get enough, be sure to watch Cabel’s blog, as some believe his spirit will rise each July 4th to share another year of fireworks madness.

Update (July 5th, 2010): Cabel’s spirit seems to have broken his earthly blog, but that didn’t prevent a 2010 fireworks collection. It’s good to know that you can still access Flickr from beyond the grave.


Footnotes:

  1. Another theory is that he and his wife had a baby in the summer of 2009. Research thus far has been inconclusive. ↩︎


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