A Guide to Visiting Hawaii (Part 1)

Monday, July 19th, 2010

HibiscusIf you want to visit the small island nation of Hawaii, or even if you’d just like to learn more about it, allow me to be your guide. Even with today’s high-speed jumbo jets, Hawaii is quite far away from pretty much everything except Micronesia. In turn, Micronesia is far away from everything but Papua New Guinea, and Papua New Guinea is very far away indeed.

Nevertheless, Hawaii is a lovely place to visit, except for the Dick Cheney issue. You see, based on a sample size of my single trip, I’ve concluded that every time one ventures to Hawaii, Dick Cheney has a heart attack. When considering a trip to Hawaii, it’s important to bear this in mind, and really weigh the pros against the pros.

Upon first arriving in Hawaii and exiting the jet bridge, you may find yourself getting ‘lei’d’ by one of the locals. This term refers to the act of having intercourse at the airport, and it’s the custom in Hawaii.

Once you leave the airport, sweaty but satisfied, you’ll be impressed by the country’s natural beauty. You may also be confronted by one of Hawaii’s most perilous problems: flawed letter distribution, specifically an excess of vowels. Hawaiians have such an abundance that the sale of vowels to the producers of Wheel of Fortune actually accounts for almost 7% of Hawaii’s GDP. This vowel surplus is offset, however, by a dire shortage of consonants. This problem can most readily be seen in Hawaii’s unpronounceable street names, such as Kamehameha (Pronounced ‘Cuh-May-Uh-May-Uh’), Keeaumoku (‘Kee-?-?-coo’), or Waialae (‘Wuh-No-freakin’-clue’). Indeed, because of the difficulty in giving or receiving directions, the average Hawaiian wastes five full days each year in driving around lost.

The aforementioned lack of consonants appears again when you have dessert. You can enjoy a delicious “shave ice”, which is a snow cone-esqe indulgence. Sadly, a lack of letter d’s makes a confusion of this otherwise tasty treat, made from shaved ice.

While in Hawaii, you may find yourself referring conversationally to your home at some point. If you’re an American, be sure not to use the phrase “back in the States”. Doing so offends Hawaiians who think they’re actually part of the US. The upside of this misconception is that the exchange rate is great when shopping in Hawaii. All stores and businesses will accept your American currency at 100% of face value.

That’s the abrupt end to part 1, but stay tuned for part 2 of this guide to visiting Hawaii. We’ll talk some sweet science and discuss the so-called Big Island.


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