A Guide to Visiting Hawaii (Part 2)

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Hawaiian Toilet SignIn part 1 of this guide to visiting Hawaii, you learned about getting lei’d, Hawaii’s vowel shortage, and their currency exchange rate. Today, we’ll discuss evolution, as well as a few of the sites you may wish to see on your visit.

As it’s so different from the rest of the world, Hawaii abounds in science. At Volcanoes National Park on the Big Island, you can learn about the peculiar turns evolution took due to the islands’ isolation. For example, raspberries were not heavily eaten by animals in Hawaii, and thus had no need for defensive traits. Because of this, Hawaiian raspberry plants never developed deterring thorns. As well, mints in Hawaii lost their characteristic and protective ‘minty’ flavor, meaning Hawaiian mojitos are simply awful.

If you wish to explore the underwater world, snorkeling at Hanauma Bay on Oahu is a great option. Hanauma is Hawaiian for “sheltered bay”, which means this is actually “Sheltered Bay Bay”. That’s funny in print, but even funnier if you say it aloud. Listen to you, sounding all British-y!

You can also relax on dozens of fantastic beaches in Hawaii, in all the colors of the rainbow. Well, some of the colors of the rainbow. Specifically, red and green. And some colors that aren’t in the rainbow, like the traditional sand, and also black. So there are four beach colors in total. Still, that’s a lot more beach colors than most places!

Hawaii also has many historic sites, but don’t be fooled by imposters. When driving past the sign for the “Mark Twain Monkey Pod Tree” on the Big Island, I opted not to stop, because those are just common English words strung together to form gibberish. Supposedly, this is the site of a “monkey pod tree” American author Mark Twain planted well over a century ago. This is, of course, complete and utter nonsense. Monkeys do not come from pods, and like money, they do not grow on trees.

Speaking of Mark Twain, however, he was incorrect when he said “Buy land, they’re not making it anymore”. In Hawaii they are making more land. It’s an incredibly slow process though, so I suppose his point is still well-taken. Nevertheless, my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandkids are going to be awfully grateful I had the foresight to buy that timeshare on the currently-forming ninth island of Hawaii.

There’s plenty more to know about visiting Hawaii, but like flying a plane, it’s best learned by just throwing away the books and getting out there to do it on your own. The information in this guide has given you the essentials for your visit, so now you’re ready to have some fun.

Finally, since part 1 of this guide, I did some more research on Dick Cheney. It turns out he’s had several heart attacks, five, in fact. It seems possible his health problems may actually be related to a lifetime spent pumping hatred and greed through his own veins, instead of the travel plans of random strangers. I’m going to need to run some more tests, and possibly travel to Hawaii again, but I’ll be sure to report back with any conclusions.


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