Barvd: July 17th, 2012 Edition

Welcome to this year’s summer edition of Barvd. You’ve no doubt missed Barvd, because Barvd missed the spring entirely. But it’s here now, and it’s as disgusting as ever. Here we go.

A cookie is just a cookie, but a Newton looks like dried blood boogers wrapped in nilla wafers - first draft Fig Newton slogan

If you’re able to stop the phrase “Dried blood boogers” from entering your mind every time you see a Newton from here on out, you’re a stronger person than I.

My nose is bleeding into my stomach so I guess I don't need to go grocery shopping today after all.

Continuing on the theme of blood as “food”, I guess?

Depressed Abilify Lady / Mucinex \

Yeah, you’re thinking of the right ones:

Depressed Abilify Lady plus Mr. Mucus

The Depressed Abilify Lady’s hesitation is obvious, as well it might be. Mr. Mucus is, after all, a married…umm……phlegm?

Married Mr. Mucus

I just invented a diet plan where you sneeze on your food. The trick is doing it in front of people because eating your own snot is “wrong”.

It’s the quotes around “wrong” that really make this so awful.

If I ever come into a large sum of money, I'll hose it off and spend it anyway.

Ah, geez, that’s the worst thing since Ass Pennies.

Never ask for a happy ending at the end of an acupuncture session.

Oh. Oh god. Oh god. That is the least “happy ending” to Barvd ever. But with that You Look Nice Today trifecta, we’re out. Until next time.

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