Metro News (March 28th, 2013 Edition)

Amusing tidbits from the March 28th, 2013 edition of that crummy-but-free paper, The Metro:

Somebody’s Guilty of Something, We Know That Much

Lawyers for the Colorado movie theater gunman plead guilty

You’re likely wondering what matter of legal misconduct these lawyers could have committed. The answer is “None” (at least that we know of). Instead, the Metro’s copy editor is guilty of dereliction of duty, as the story makes it clear that the defense for monster James Holmes has offered to have him plead guilty, to avoid the death penalty.

Lucky in Savings, Unlucky in Surgery

Feeling Lucky, Punk?
Well? Are ya, punk?

As your humble author has previously noted, discount eye surgery seems like a bad idea. A promotion that asks the a Dirty Harry-esqe question before they shoot lasers into your eyeballs is even worse.

Full Disclosure: I Still Like All of These Bands

Finally we have a concert announcement which, if not for the year embedded firmly in it, would seem to be from another era.

Seriously, This Line-up would have been huge 18 years ago.
Apparently, piñatas rot incredibly slowly.1

1995 called, and they’re amazed at how incredibly shitty we sound as a result of our slow but inexorable transition to cell phones with horrendous call quality. Oh, also, they want their headlining acts back.

Do You Want More?

If you just can’t get enough Metro-based comedy, be sure to check out the August 5th, 2009 edition as well.


  1. Six people will get that joke, and I salute each and every one of you. ↩︎