Barvd: 2014 in Review

Thursday, February 12th, 2015

Just over a year ago, the world was introduced to the Barvd emoji. Lamentably, however, there hasn’t been an official edition of Barvd since last January. Fortunately, plenty of awful was collected since then, so let’s take a look at 2014 in unpleasantness.

January

Gotta figure by this point, thousands of divorced dads have accidentally sexted their daughter
@scottsimpson

Thanks, Scott! It’s always good to kick things off with a truly horrifying thought.

February

There are lots of sounds you don't want to hear in the next stall over, but the iPhone camera shutter is pretty high up there.
@redkeg

I’m not saying you should visit RateMyPoo.com, because you shouldn’t. Hell, that’s why I didn’t even make that a link. But you should be aware that a bowel movement rating site exists, and allow that fact to color your impression of humanity.

March

Much like the Olsen twins on Full House, the role of 'weird lump on my bathroom wall' was played by 15,000 spiders
@scottsimpson

This horrifying tweet from @heidihitschildren was a runner-up in February, and helped Scott to his second appearance here in just three months.

April

My sleep-mind said 'Whatever, it's fine if the cat pukes on my back, I'll clean it up later.' Luckily I woke up enough to prevent that.
@commanda

The cat grosses me out, but the sleep-mind cracks me up.

May

Soup is a great way to eat wet meat out of a little bathtub.
@AlisonAgosti

Probably the worst thing about this is that it’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.

June

We have an intermission here, as much like in August of 2013, no one grossed me out in June of 2014. It seems like my gag reflex takes summer vacations. Ah well — moving on!

July

'My dad worked in a sub-zero meat locker. He said the worst thing about it was, farts would hang in the still air forever. Eight hours a day.
@mrgan

And now, a passage from my upcoming novel “Mumphrey’s Downfall”, set amongst the backdrop of world diplomacy and international intrigue:

  • “As soon as he said it, he knew he’d made a terrible mistake. Forks and glasses clattered to the floor, and then the room fell silent. His words hung there, like a fart in the freezer.”

I am currently accepting bids from publishers.

August

'90 percent of hotel beds have bedbugs. But look at your own bed. It’s entirely made of bedbugs. Now look in the mirror. Yes. You are, too.
@Moltz

It seems 2014 was a good year for gross-out tweets about bugs.

September

'Almost forgot: @magnetbox's foot says Hi
@ems

I particularly like the way Michaela’s tweet does not transcribe this as a quote from the foot. Rather, it is a simple statement of fact.

October

I guess sushi is okay, but it makes the microwave smell terrible and by the time the fish is cooked through, the rice is overdone.
@mccreath

Sushi does not work that way!

November

Old man at urinal. Both hands on hips. Possibly prehensile penis.
@biorhythmist

Just re-reading this, I had a visceral gag. Awful, Matt, just awful.

December

Special Garlic Dipping Sauce in a Keurig
@Clarko…@Clarko…@Clarko

Please allow my earlier comment, as well as @antichrista’s, to serve as a reply:

Jesus, Dude

Damn straight. Insta-Barvd of the year, is more like it. Thanks a lot, Clarko. Jesus Crist.

Closing Time

Sometimes, I stop and take stock of things. “Self,” I’ll ask, in these moments of introspection, “are you really spending time compiling all the gross things people put out there on social media?”. Yes. Yes, I am, so if you’ve seen an awful tweet, Instagram pic or other post, send it in or just tweet a link to @PBones.

Until next time!