First, Groupon tried to sell us on “Black Friday in July”, which is not a thing. Just days later, they tried to pitch “Cyber Monday on Tuesday”, which was wrong on at least two obvious levels.

Now, Lowe’s is trying to pull their own bullshit, with “Spring Black Friday”.

Isn’t it great how words have no goddamned meaning anymore? No. No, it is not. I’d say we shouldn’t give in to this nonsense, but it seems like that ship has sailed.

So instead, let’s just go completely nuts. Put on a sweater, go chop down a pine tree, and put it up in the living room. It’s Christmas in March! I’m planning a Labor Day barbecue in April, and you’re all invited. Just be aware that tomorrow is now Halloween, and I’m coming to your neighborhood.

Look, I know the “real” Black Friday in November is already completely made up. If they want to make up another one, fine, go for it. But at least come up with a new name. If they called it “Purple Friday”, my blood pressure would be a lot lower.