An Obscenely Massive Box of Mozzarella Sticks

Wednesday, August 26th, 2020

On a recent, rare emergence from my home, I stocked up on some essentials at Costco. While there, I spotted this abomination:

I did not purchase this box, because mozzarella sticks are not something a person should have in their own home. They are a delectable shared food, perfect for splitting with other people when out at a bar or restaurant. You don’t shovel down a large number of them, even though you want to. You eat two or three, and you wish you could have one more, but you’re also glad you didn’t. A near bottomless box in your own freezer? That’s madness.

Though I didn’t buy this bad idea, I did stop to take the above photograph, because I was very confused by the quantity. As you can see, the box contains “approximately 82-92 sticks”. I understand that the box is sold by weight (a mammoth five pounds), but still, why is there such a wide range of possible sticks in the box? These are man-made! Surely they can be dialed in to a fairly precise weight can get them to a specific weight. It’s also strange to give an 11 stick range, and then tack an “approximately” on there as well.

I wonder how long this box lasts the average purchaser. I think I’ve eaten 82-92 mozzarella sticks in the past…decade? And I like mozzarella sticks! Costco is, of course, about buying in bulk. But at least for me, a reasonable bulk quantity of mozzarella sticks would be about 10.

Upon examining the photograph later, I noticed two additional bits of strangeness. First is the declaration that the food is made with “100% Real Mozzarella String Cheese”. This got me wondering what the hell string cheese really is, and it turns out, it’s just mozzarella cheese. Also, the process for mass producing it is unappealing at best:

Cheese being extruded from metal tubes aside, the most inexplicable thing in this whole package of insanity is the text just above the initial quantity estimate which originally caught my eye. Have a look, and you’ll see that it reads “Serving Suggestion”. I’m at a complete loss as to what this means. I count nearly 25 sticks visible in this picture, with several more presumably hidden at the bottom of the mound. Surely that is not the serving size. Do they just mean “We suggest serving them on a plate”?

At least there’s no trans fats. It’s practically a health food.


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