A Wild Hair

“Do you, Sir? Well, for sure!”

Reader, I groom my eyebrows. A quiet ritual I have: a trimmer and I are alone present. Well, that and the constant fear of Mona Lisa-ing myself.1

You see, every few months, I notice that a couple of stray eyebrow hairs have grown longer than the rest. At that point, in the hopes of avoiding looking too much like a mad scientist, I trim those rogues down. Naturally, each and every time I undertake this task, I contemplate what would happen if I slipped. It would not be a pretty sight.

Fortunately, I have had no major shaving mishaps thus far in my life. However, in the distant past, I did once find myself with a different problem. At a time when I was more trusting and perhaps less vigilant, an evil eyebrow hair managed to grow to truly monstrous size before I finally noticed it. When at last I did see this mutant hair, it was necessary to pluck it completely from my head. It simply could not be permitted to continue residing there, lest it take over my entire face.

So with a pair of tweezers and a sharp “Ow!”, I brought the beast low. After that, I placed its corpse in a tiny, fancy box. As one does.

A long eyebrow hair in a lush box.

Perhaps that hair doesn’t look so humongous, nestled as it is in white gauze, but I assure you it was massive. In order to establish a proper record, I eventually used some hair gel to straighten it out on a sheet of paper to take proper measurements. Again, as one does.

An eyebrow hair being measured, appearing to be close to 3.5 cm long

The fiend had a length of nearly 3.5 centimeters. Yes, it was well over an inch and a quarter long, and that’s ridiculous! I don’t know how it evaded my defenses. Did it slip past those sporadic visual scans by laying low, in preparation for some sort of strike? Or perhaps it sprouted overnight. If asparagus can grow two inches in a day2, why not this sinister strand?

Having defeated the demon, I now wished to show it off as a hunting trophy of sorts. Swiftly, I was off to eBay. A few days later, I was able to properly show off my catch:

A LEGO fisherman minifig holding the eyebrow hair.

I think you’ll have to agree that at a mere $5.14 shipped directly to my door, this “LEGO Town Minifig Fisherman Green Vest & Pole” was worth every penny.

A LEGO fisherman minifig holding the eyebrow hair.


  1. If you’ve never noticed, have a look, that gal’s eyebrows are gone. Thought it’s sometimes claimed this was a reflection of the beauty standards of the Renaissance, the painting apparently did originally have eyebrows. It now seems they may have been a victim of time and overcleaning. ↩︎

  2. Gross! But also, true. ↩︎