It’s been quite awhile since I last did a headline review, but recently I’ve seen quite a good collection. Let’s have a look, starting with Florida:

These Florida monkeys could give you herpes. Here’s where they’ve been found

This reads like a tourism guide for the world’s worst attraction. In a way, I suppose it is.

Speaking of ill-advised vacations:

Undercover FBI Agents Helped Autistic Teen Plan Trip to Join ISIS

Well gosh, that’s awfully nice of them! And a good time was had by all? Oh. No. No, it’s completely terrible.

In lighter confusion, I have repeatedly been tripped up by multiple headlines like this:

The Big Problem With the Giant Stanley Cup

For over 130 years, the Stanley Cup has been presented to the champion of the National Hockey League. Only in recent months has a vessel from the company Stanley gained viral fame. Referring to it as a “bottle” or a “mug” would be much clearer. It would also prevent me from thinking that the NHL is considering removing more of the bands of winners from the world’s most famous trophy.

Finally, down in the D.C. area:

Car hits woman inside Bethesda Whole Foods, disrupts Sunday grocery shopping

Ah, yes, “car hits woman”, there’s the kind of nonsense writing you can expect when it comes to vehicular carnage. I don’t recall ever seeing a “knife stabs man” or “gun shoots child” headline, but once a person enters a car, they apparently surrender all agency.

Let’s have a quick look at the aftermath:

That Volvo is deep in there! I suppose if a car can go shopping like that, it could write a slanted news headline too.