Parodontax makes a mouthwash “designed for people with bleeding gums”. That’s quite the target market, one which instantly makes me think of this guy:

That’s good old ”Bleeding Gums” Murphy, from “The Simpsons”, and if he were still alive and also a real person, this would be the product for him.

However, I learned of this product via a very bad online advertisement. Have a look:

I can only say that a different typeface would really be wise, one where the uppercase ‘G’ has a horizontal bar, and thus does not look like the letter ‘C’.

Heck, they could use the one from their toothpaste box:

There’s no confusion there.

In and around Detroit, an organization named “Mother Waddles” advertises their car donation program heavily.¹ Through this program, one can donate a vehicle that’s no longer needed to Mother Waddles, and receive a tax deduction in return. Mother Waddles will then sell or scrap the vehicle and use the proceeds to help those most in need.

That’s a fine idea. However, I found the billboards they use to be somewhat problematic.

Particularly because of the included photograph, I can’t help but interpret this as stating “We’re going to give your donated car to the homeless, who will use it as shelter”. That’s a terrible way to read it, and it would likewise be a terrible plan. Nevertheless, I saw this billboard frequently on a recent trip through the Motor City, and each time that was the thought which came to mind.

As such, you can imagine how taken aback I was when I spotted this alternate version:

Even beggars can be, and should be, choosier than that.

Footnotes:

1. The organization’s namesake, Charleszetta “Mother” Waddles, seems to have been a tremendous force for good in the world.

   For over four decades, the Reverend Charleszetta Waddles, affectionately known as “Mother Waddles,” devoted her life to providing food, hope, and human dignity to the downtrodden and disadvantaged people of Detroit. Founder, director, and spiritual leader of the Mother Waddles Perpetual Mission, Inc., a nonprofit, nondenominational organization run by volunteers and dependent on private donations, Waddles believed that the church must move beyond religious dogma to focus on the real needs of real people.

   Nevertheless, her name is rather comical. ↩︎

This is a very, very bad slogan.

[Link]

However, the prevalence of STDs on college campuses coupled with the fact that this is a collegiate league means it’s probably also true.

For the 2018 holiday season, Macy’s created an ad called “Space Station”, featuring an astronaut in space who’s missing both her daughter and Christmas.¹ The astronaut video chats to stay in touch with her family. Her doleful daughter asks if she’ll be home for Christmas, but alas, she will not. The mother does have a cardboard snowman named “Sunny” her daughter likely made to take up with her.

This ad was featured prominently during the Thanksgiving Day parade, which included a new floating balloon for “Sunny the Snowpal”².

Sunny in real life

While I’m sure it was expensive to produce, it is also a very bad ad. When Christmas arrives and the astronaut is still up in space, her family video calls her. On the call, her daughter instructs her to get Sunny and “open it, open it, open it”. That’s perturbing, but she gamely rips open the poor snowpal’s guts, and plucks out a snow globe. Alright, I guess. The bigger problem is this:

Houston, we’re about to have hundreds of small problems.

Apparently, the snow globe was surrounded by tiny styrofoam pellets, which are now floating in the space station’s microgravity. In the ad, the astronaut cheerily feels like she’s enjoying snow. In reality, that would simply have to cause some issues, in the same way that crumbs would:

Koren: Which foods are the most difficult to prepare for space?

Kloeris: Anything that creates a lot of crumbs. Crumbs are very difficult to deal with in microgravity because they’re just messy. When they get loose, they can make it into the air filtration system. You have to find a way to clean them up, and that usually involves a vacuum cleaner.

But hey, maybe Macy’s can make a Gravity inspired follow-up, where the mother comes crashing back to Earth and ultimately reunites with her daughter just in time for Thanksgiving 2019.

Footnotes:

1. As always, the relevant video is archived here.↩︎

2. Here’s what the Macy’s parade web site lists as a “Fun Fact” about the balloon: “Sunny is an original character created for Macy’s 2018 holiday campaign”. Gosh, that is fun. ↩︎

Come on, Macy’s!

I’ve seen this nonsense before, but the extra day has always been referred to as a “preview day”. That’s idiotic, but it’s not as bad as this.

I’m so rationally angry right now.

Previously in things being right in the name: It’s Right in the Name

I recently spotted a billboard around Boston which was apparently advertising, well, leafy greens. I was driving on the highway when I first saw it, so I couldn’t snap a picture, but it later popped up within walking distance of my home. I made sure to grab a photo, so that you too could see Foxy’s “House of Chards” billboard:

Why?

Many readers will understand that this is a rather bizarre spoof of the Netflix series “House of Cards”. The otherwise-clumsy “Vegflix” logo on the right side really drives the idea home. Here’s a comparison shot from the actual television series, with Kevin Spacey looking none too pleased at being parodied:

“Foxy did what?!”

Setting aside the sheer pointlessness of advertising chard, I’m left to wonder why on earth Foxy would wish to associate themselves with the only show that makes the Trump presidency seem halfway palatable. I’ve found myself with no desire to watch the newest season of “House of Cards”, because I feel like I’m living it every single goddamned day. The biggest difference is that reality is even more vindictive, and also far stupider. Why would a produce company make this ad? The wordplay involved really isn’t that good, if it’s even good at all.

The ad’s biggest fault, however, is a bit more subtle. It hews closer to the original than might be advisable. You see, the official “House of Cards” logo contains a simplified inverted American flag, a subtle nod to the distress the fictionalized America faces due to the machinations of Frank Underwood. The spoof “House of Chards” logo replicates this. Without this imagery, the imitation might not be successful. With it, however, the billboard is sending a very dire message indeed.

Then again, perhaps it’s an intentional cry for help.