Please take 21 seconds to, well, no, not enjoy, but endure, take 21 seconds to endure the following video. It is an ad featuring figure skater Tara Lipinski for a multi-billion-dollar product which will be revealed shortly:

This commercial has haunted me for days. Just like in the movie It Follows, I can only find relief by screwing you to pass along the curse. Sorry! But hey, we’re in this together now.

Below, I have transcribed all 68 words of nonsense that Lipinski utters:

“The one and only you is the human forged by the path that only you are on. Facing the not-knowing, putting one foot in front of the other. She’s not your trophies. Because our trophies sit on the shelf. It’s the bonds we forge with one another that can guide us to what we’re here to do, and to be who we are: the one and only you.”

Do you have any idea what this ad could possibly be pitching? On my first viewing, I surely did not. I was, however, deeply confused by the repeated pronoun switches. I suppose I still am. You. She. Our. We. Us. You. It’s a real mess!

But let us return to the matter of the actual product being shilled here. Below is the full 60-second ad, which will reveal it:

Every time that voiceover kicks in, I crack up. It’s just nonsense…drivel…blather…inject some botulism to fix your ugly face!

The fact that the ad goes for nearly twice as long to list caveats and side effects is darkly comic in its own right, but it’s that first 20 seconds, Lipinski’s speaking role, that’s really etched itself into my brain. I have accidentally memorized this monologue and worry I may never forget it. I find myself mumbling it at odd times. I fear it is driving me mad.

In the past, I would have marveled at the fact that a person wrote this. I would have been shocked that a professional writer felt this was good enough for a national television commercial. In 2026, however, it’s distinctly possible this drivel was generated by A.I. Still, even in that case, some number of people read it, or heard it, or in the case of Lipinski, spoke it aloud. Those real human beings all tacitly signed off on it by their participation. That’s plenty horrifying on its own.

According to their own boasting, Morgan & Morgan is “America’s largest injury law firm”. They have offices in all 50 states, and advertising to match.¹ In recent years, they’ve spent literally hundreds of millions of dollars on their utterly inescapable marketing.² It’s a nationwide scourge.

But let’s set aside the obnoxious oversaturation of these ads, as well as their generally low quality. Even given that, one particular Morgan billboard I recently saw was still notably awful. Have a look:

If you’re thinking that photoshopping founder John Morgan as Paul Revere and then having him announce himself really doesn’t make a lot of sense, you’re right. But even that is not the biggest problem with this dreck.

No, the biggest issue is that Paul Revere’s pronouncement was not a positive thing! The phrase “The British are coming” is used to sound the alarm.³ Wiktionary defines it as “a warning that enemies are about and a battle is about to begin” or “a statement of impending doom”. It’s certainly no way to introduce a law firm.⁴

How can someone be historically literate enough to know about Revere’s ride, yet ignorant of why this ad flat-out does not work?

Footnotes:

1. I can’t fathom why on earth I would care that they have lawyers in, say, Alaska, but they appear to view this as a point of pride. ↩︎

2. The aforelinked article includes this quote:

   Morgan also takes pains to dismiss any suggestion he lives or spends like a billionaire. “The truth of the matter is, I don’t live like I earn. All our homes are paid for. It’s probably two million a year that I live on. And that’s taking care of seven houses. Most of the money I live on is spent on paying the HOA, gardeners, and [stuff] like that. I don’t live extravagantly.”

   Oh, no, that’s not living extravagantly. He just has a modest seven houses. ↩︎

3. Though very much beside the point, it’s also not what Revere would have said. Instead, he would have said something more like “The Regulars are coming”. At the time, everyone in America was “British”. ↩︎

4. While thinking about this far, far more than the marketing team seems to have, I considered the notion that the warning might work if it were given to the defense attorneys against whom the Morgans will square off. That interpretation has its own host of problems, however, including the fact that it would cast the Morgans as the tyrannical (and eventually defeated) British, even as John Morgan is pictured as revolutionary Paul Revere delivering the warning. ↩︎

When you live in a rental property, it’s likely there’s a defined expiration date for the arrangement. A standard one year lease means that at worst, you need to gut things out for 12 months before moving on.

On the other hand, when you buy a home, that’s forever. I mean, not actually forever, eventually you’ll die or the rising oceans will swallow your house or you’ll sell the property and move elsewhere. Nevertheless, purchasing a property is certainly a hell of a lot more serious than renting.

That’s why I’m so horrified by Zillow’s “Homeowner Mates” ad.¹ In it, the narrator Sasha explains that she wanted a house, but couldn’t afford it on her own (she had $131,000 in “BuyAbility”, according to Zillow). Her friends Carol ($124,000) and Audrey ($117,000) shared both her interest in owning a home and her relatively anemic buying power. So, she asks, “Why not go all in together?”.

That is not a confident face.

Oh, for so very many reasons. From potential issues with budgeting to the headache of splitting expenses to difficult relationship dynamics, the idea of purchasing a home with one (or more!) unrelated people seems like a ticking time bomb. When things go wrong, it’s really going to be quite the clusterwhoops for everyone involved.

The ad itself even hints at problems ahead. Sasha starts the ad by dropping something as she unpacks, after being startled by a doorbell.² She then refuses to answer her housemates’ repeated questions about what she smashed, despite them asking not once, not twice, but thrice. These folks have only just moved in. They’re still reviewing paint samples, but trouble is already brewing. I foresee a very messy breakup for Sasha, Carol, and Audrey.

Aside from the terrible idea that is its central premise, this ad is notable for what it says about the state of housing in America in 2025. Namely, that we do not have nearly enough stock, to the point where this terrible idea is something people might actually consider. But rather than attempting to convince people to buy a partial share of a home, perhaps efforts could be focused on the shortage of housing. New construction is pretty much the solution to the housing gap in much of America, not normalizing the disaster waiting to happen which would be purchasing a home with other people to whom you’re not legally connected.

Footnotes:

1. The ad is archived here. ↩︎

2. This despite the fact that the trio had apparently ordered pizza to be delivered. Sasha’s nervous constitution is also worrisome. ↩︎

This week, Apple has unveiled a set of artificial intelligence features to the world. The new Apple Intelligence functionality is being touted with two new commercials that pitch a smartphone as a substitute for being attentive and caring. Like that idea, the ads are awful.

The more depressing of the two spots features a wife scrambling to cover her ass after forgetting her husband’s birthday.¹ While the children give their father thoughtful gifts to express their love, she stands in the kitchen making faces:

What is this awful face?

In slapdash fashion, the woman instructs her phone to make a slideshow of “woodworking with kids”. After it’s completed the task, she presents the result completely unchecked, for her husband to view. As the ad ends, she walks away in smug slow-motion, with a look that says “Phew! My phone saved me from having to put more than 13 seconds’ worth of thought into my husband’s birthday, which apparently it forgot to remind me of. Isn’t that great?!”

It’s not. It’s a sad, dehumanizing message. It didn’t have to be. Though Apple Intelligence has not wowed me thus far, AI photo collections look wonderful. Letting folks relive the past by surfacing forgotten images could be incredible. This, however, is anything but.

I don’t know, maybe a message of “You’re a lazy shitheel, but thanks to your phone, you can hide the truth!” will sell iPhones. Even if it does, however, it sure shouldn’t make anybody feel good.

Footnotes:

1. The ad is archived here. ↩︎

While carving up the information superhighway on my digital surfboard recently, the following image jumped out at me:

I stared at it for more than a few seconds before realizing that’s actually not supposed be the shadow of Satan behind this orange-jacketed man. It’s also not supposed to be an artsy indication that the man himself is evil. You see, that picture is part of a banner ad for Merrill Lynch:

Rather than considering sinning with a smirk on his face, this man is apparently navigating life’s turns with the bull at his back. Sure.

I get it, Merrill Lynch’s logo is a bull. I can understand why one random designer at the company would think “Yup, a bull shadow, that’s us!”. But surely this ad was reviewed by others. Not a single person spoke up to say “Uh, that looks like the devil”?

Hell¹, even the tail isn’t helping. Everyone knows that to tell a bull apart from Lucifer himself, you check the tail. Lucifer, of course, has a pointed tail, while a bull does not. And yet here, the tail’s end is partially obscured by the man’s head.

Thus, even now when I know exactly what this is supposed to be showing, the prince of darkness is all I can see.

Footnotes:

1. Ha! ↩︎

Parodontax makes a mouthwash “designed for people with bleeding gums”. That’s quite the target market, one which instantly makes me think of this guy:

That’s good old ”Bleeding Gums” Murphy, from “The Simpsons”, and if he were still alive and also a real person, this would be the product for him.

However, I learned of this product via a very bad online advertisement. Have a look:

I can only say that a different typeface would really be wise, one where the uppercase ‘G’ has a horizontal bar, and thus does not look like the letter ‘C’.

Heck, they could use the one from their toothpaste box:

There’s no confusion there.

In and around Detroit, an organization named “Mother Waddles” advertises their car donation program heavily.¹ Through this program, one can donate a vehicle that’s no longer needed to Mother Waddles, and receive a tax deduction in return. Mother Waddles will then sell or scrap the vehicle and use the proceeds to help those most in need.

That’s a fine idea. However, I found the billboards they use to be somewhat problematic.

Particularly because of the included photograph, I can’t help but interpret this as stating “We’re going to give your donated car to the homeless, who will use it as shelter”. That’s a terrible way to read it, and it would likewise be a terrible plan. Nevertheless, I saw this billboard frequently on a recent trip through the Motor City, and each time that was the thought which came to mind.

As such, you can imagine how taken aback I was when I spotted this alternate version:

Even beggars can be, and should be, choosier than that.

Footnotes:

1. The organization’s namesake, Charleszetta “Mother” Waddles, seems to have been a tremendous force for good in the world.

   For over four decades, the Reverend Charleszetta Waddles, affectionately known as “Mother Waddles,” devoted her life to providing food, hope, and human dignity to the downtrodden and disadvantaged people of Detroit. Founder, director, and spiritual leader of the Mother Waddles Perpetual Mission, Inc., a nonprofit, nondenominational organization run by volunteers and dependent on private donations, Waddles believed that the church must move beyond religious dogma to focus on the real needs of real people.

   Nevertheless, her name is rather comical. ↩︎