Oooh, a package from Amazon!

Ah! A disgusting-but-effective drain cleaning tool, perfect for the hirsute gentleman, has arrived!

Wait, that was the only thing in the box?

Calculations

Box dimensions: 6.5 inches x 8 inches x 26.5 inches
Product dimensions: 2 inches x 0.375 inches x 23.5 inches

Box volume: 1378 cubic inches
Product volume: 17.625 cubic inches

Approximate percentage of box volume used by the product: 1.28%
Approximate percentage of box volume left unused: 98.72%

Epilogue

Incidentally, the Zip-It works horrifyingly well. Unfortunately, I was too nauseated to capture pictures of all that it brought back from the deepest depths of hell and my plumbing. If you want to see it in action, go ahead and visit the Zip-It site. You will absolutely regret it.

Information Update

Phone calls and bank trips needed to initiate a change on my bank accounts: 3

Confirmation letters received to my “old address”, making sure this change was authorized: 2 (one for each account)

Confirmation letters received at my “new address”, informing me of the change: 1 (oddly, one letter for both accounts)

Changes of address I was actually making: 0

Number of letters I was removing from my name: 1

Understanding of why bank fees are so expensive, when it takes all this to go from Paul R. Kafasis to Paul Kafasis: High

TD Bank Redux

Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (predicted): 85

Number of days from when the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign to when they opened (actual): 107

Logic of putting a sign claiming to be open up first, and then finishing construction of the actual business: 0

Records

Encouragements to “go green”, and use paperless electronic bank statements: Nearly ∞

Cost savings to the bank when I did so: >$0

Cost savings to me when I did so: $0

Months’ worth of electronic statements my bank keeps readily available: 12

Cost to retrieve an older statement: $15

My understanding of the phrase “going green” in this context: “Reducing unnecessary use of paper, thereby saving trees”

Actual meaning of “going green” in this context: “Your green is going into the banks’ coffers”

Snail Mail

Birthday cards received via mail: 3

Percentage of cards received via mail which were sent by my mortgage broker: 33.3%

Scoring from 0 to 100, value given to “Has the lowest rate”, when shopping for a mortgage broker: 99.999

Scoring from 0 to 100, value given to “Sent me a birthday card”, when shopping for a mortgage broker: 0.001

Email

E-cards received from friends and family: 2

Other emails received from friends and family, with birthday wishes: 6

Emails received from assorted companies, and the automated emailing robots which represent them: 9

Ratio by which programmed robotic love outweighs human love, using email as a benchmark: 9:8

Gifts

Facebook, Twitter, and other non-email well-wishes received: Dozens

Facebook virtual gifts received: 0, thankfully

Coupons and gifts received from the previously mentioned companies and robots: 3

Savings ING Direct is offering me at the ING Direct Store, for bright orange and belogo-ed things like “mugs, bags, books, and more”: 15% off

Gratitude I feel for this particular “gift”: None at all.

TD Bank

Number of days since the new TD Bank put up their “Open 7 Days A Week” sign: 47

Number of days the new TD Bank has been open since erecting said sign: 0

Estimated number of days until the new TD Bank will be open, as predicted by the construction foreman: 38

Pontiac Silverdome

Cost to construct Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome, built in 1975: $220 million (2009 dollars)

Cost to purchase Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome in 2009: $583,000 (2009 dollars)

Price I would have bid, had I known it was on the market, just to say “I own the Silverdome”: At least $583,001

Number of chicks I would have gotten with the pick-up line: “I own the Silverdome”: At least 1

Car Alarms

Number of minutes a car alarm has been going off in a nearby lot: 13

Number of people who seem to give a rat’s ass: 0

Annoyance level, on a scale of 1-10, at the useless car alarm industry: 7.6

Number of Fenway Park Authenticated Bricks currently in my house: 2